Letters and Numbers

It amazes me how two number 51, or I don't feel the same, you were wrong this time, etc. It seems that wherever we go we can be haunted by these symbols and characters that follow us around. Taunting us, reminding us of our dreams, failures, almosts, and successes.

What about the number 28. While I could give you a textbook list of accomplishes and other important achievements, I still can't answer the basic question "who am I" and "what do I want to be doing"? I love my job, but my dream job is to be a missionary out in the field doing God's work. I feel like somewhere deep down inside me it's there....waiting....my potential. I just stay so overwhelmed and struggling to stay afloat that it keeps getting pushed back. So the biggest number i see is zero- which is about my confidence level these days.

So if you see me I don't necessarily answer or response it means I'm in my own little world trying to make a peace with myself that will allow me to face the world. It is much harder for some of than for others. And lately it's been a real struggle. I am not the type to talk through things, and did quite a bit of that earlier....it didn't work out so well. So please pray that this slump will go away soon. And if you know me on a more personal level.... please be patient and forgiving if it seems like I am bailing on you. It's not that I don't enjoy speaking or being with you..right now I am just haven't to work a little harder on myself for awhile.

Yes, I need help and prayers. I am not ready to talk it through yet though, so please be patient. And I know you will try to be because I am surrounded by amazing people. I just wish I could be amazing for them back.

It's A Great Day

It's been a great day. Yep. There's something about this time of year that I just love. It's hard to put into words. Usually I am able to write what I am thinking a lot easier than I am able to speak it. I've been really happy lately, and I have been trying find the reason or words to express why things have been going so great.

I have come to the conclusion that everything is what is so great. No, I'm not delusional. Yes, my life does have stress and the occasional crisis. The thing is that even during those times God has provided me with the support that I need to make it through those times. So I guess for tonight, the blog is short and sweet. Thank you God, I have been incredibly blessed.

Laughter and Intensity

I love to laugh. This is not something I have just figured out about myself, but it's a fact I thought I'd share. I'm sitting in a hotel room with the nice peace and quiet, and of course I have comedy on. I love to laugh. I have been having a conversation with a dear friend of mine about my fear of intensity. It's not like I want to run screaming from it, I'd rather just lie in a fetal position and wish the feeling away. So I'm trying to explain why I'm scared of things that are intense, when I realize that I myself and an intense person. Now, I'm incredibly laid back, but I noticed .... when I laugh- I laugh OUT LOUD. I don't know how many time I have been chided in church, before services, for laughing to loud. I dyed my hair red....bright red. So does this mean that I should be scared of myself, if I am intense?

I'd say that I've given this a lot of thought...but really I haven't. One thought just randomly led to the next. =)

So I guess the lessons to be learned from this blog
1. No mom, I'm not sorry, and I will continue to laugh loud
2. Yes, if you are intense... I may just shy away from you- or just sprint away as fast as I can.
3. Note how I mentioned the red hair..... I sure do wish I still had red hair.... I'm much better at feisty red head than bubbly blonde.

Now that your intelligence has dropped for reading this- have a great night!

True Love lyrics

Thanks to the one who suggested this song. It's amazing :)


True Love - SOJA

Just like the land that bear the name Africa,
Love is on my mind.
It’s for everyone no matter where you’re from,
Love, it cross all lines.
Like the feeling of all the seasons changing,
Love is a memory
And in these last days, when iniquity blazing,
Truth Love Speaks.

Chorus:I need true love
Do you know what you mean to me
Does it show as I live and I breath
In the valley of the shadow, I know you’ll be.
I defense, I conquer death
I conquer the enemy (envy).

What is love really if it only affects, one aspect of life?
That’s like a musician who only accepts, his own musical type.
That’s like a preacher who only respects sunday morning, and not
saturday night
That’s how a soldier can come to reflect,
that Love is more than a man and a wife.

In a time of plenty, Jah gonna keep I strong.
Things get how and I keep cool, yeah,
Jah gonna keep me strong.
When InI cup is empty,
Jah gonna keep I strong.
When InI cup is full, yeah,
Jah keep I from their temptation.

Happiness & Peace

The past 24 hours I have reflected on my blessings. Usually Thanksgiving is the day that people blog about their blessings, but I wasn't around the internet then.

Over the break I was finally able to go back to Oklahoma and spend some much needed time with my best friends back home. We laughed and had all kinds of fun. It was so nice to finally be able to spend a full weekend with them. I get tempted every few months into moving back to Oklahoma. It's not that I don't love my job, and the people that I am around- it's just that I still get homesick. Anyway, hopefully I will be making my way back down there soon. =)

I then got to go to South Carolina with some Amazing people. I was given the opportunity to travel to an area I had never been and observe God's amazing creation. The week allowed me to cook for others (which was great since cooking is a passion of mine), spend time getting to know the people I was with, and getting some much needed rest. South Carolina is a beautiful place, and I would recommend everyone to go there if they have the opportunity.

Since I have been back, I have been able to see some of my family and talk to with a friend I hadn't spoken to in what seemed like forever.

Even though I know God is almighty, I am still awed by the abundance of blessings that He has shown me lately. I am forever grateful for this. It brings an inner peace and happiness. As amazing as things are now, I can't imagine how wonderful it will be when I am with Him one day in Heaven.

Prayers for Classmate =/

This is a message I just received from a high school classmate. If you read this, please pray for E.J. and his family.


Hello everyone, just wanted to let all know that I had the misfortune of working an accident on one of our classmates today, EJ Grant. He was banged up pretty bad. Broken leg, hip, sternum, knee cap as well as having a collapsed lung. No head bleed. He was air lifted from the scene to Parkland Hosptial in Dallas. He went into surgery for his leg and has since came out and is doing good. He has a chest tube in for the lung. He is intubated because he is heavily sedated. He has responded to people so that is a great sign. I will be going to see him tomorrow, Monday the 29th. He has a long road to recovery. The doctor has said that he may not be back home before Christmas. Please pray hard for him and his family as they fight through this.

Transparency

Some say the eyes are the window to the soul. i know you can tell a lot about a person when you look in their eyes, but I never realized just how much they can give you away. For example, my eyes turn blue when I am extremely sad and crying... no idea why.

I generally would consider myself to be a guarded person. It is something of a survival trait that I have learned with my past. So I find it equally fascinating and disconcerting when someone is able to make an observation about part of you and your life that you thought had been guarded so safely.

A dear friend reassured me today that it was actually okay to let your guard down every once in a while. I think deep in my heart she might be right. I just don't have all the answers, well I don't have any answers, when it comes to this. That's not a situation that I want to be in. I like to at least have an idea of what the answers are going to be.

So after a lot of rambling here is what I have learned. Unlike my previous thoughts...while I may try to guard myself- there are people who have the ability to make observations about me that I am not sure I am even ready to face.

Loss

Unexpected loss. Since July, this has been a reoccurring theme in my world. In less than a minute I can think of 6 deaths and 2 near deaths that have happened. Add to this pain of losing a great friend, but knowing they're around the corner. This is a recipe for some pretty low times, and prayer. Lots of prayer.

I won't dwell much on the this blog, but here are some things I learned:

1. Lean on God.... when it feels like you can't breathe... lean on God

2. Seeing someone in pain from loss can open yours eyes to a love that you didn't know was there. This can leave you promising they will never have to go through that pain again alone.

3. Miles mean nothing when someone needs a friend

4. You can't always been in 2 places at once

5. Words will never comfort a loss appropriately

6. Life goes on... when you think you'll never smile again- the rain stops.

Music Speaks

Music speaks. It tells what the mind is thinking, the heart is feeling, and reveals some of the soul. Music is something that has helped me through some rough times, and has also been with me through the great times. Unfortunately that's usually how things are for me (really rough or really great).

This blog is going to be lyrics from the 6 songs stuck in my head. The part posted is usually the part that currently is thought-provoking for me, or I just love the rhythm...while the rest of the song may or may not be. They are in no particular order.

1. David Guetta "When Love Takes Over" - Looking out for you to hold my hand, it feels like I could fall. Now love me like i know you can, we could lose it all.

2. Gramophonedzie "Why Don't You" - You let other women make a fool of you, Why don't you do right, like some other men do?

3. Dierks Bentley "Up On the Ridge"- Let's blow out these city lights, Let's just leave it all behind. Get up where the air is still. You can hear the whippoorwill.

4. Kings of Leon "Use Somebody" - Someone like you and all you know and how you speak. Countless lovers under cover of the street. You know that I could use somebody. You know that I could use somebody. Someone like you.

5. Debi Nova- "Drummer Boy" - Drummer boy come play us a song. Everyone where-ever you from
Lovers hit us all and along. Marching to the same parampapampam. Drummer boy wher-ever you are. Hear the sound and beat of my heart. Let the rythm play till we’re done. Marching to the same drum, c’mon. Your groove is gettin me tipsy
Swing all around you like a gipsy Can’t help to move to your rimsha.

6. Kaskade- "Angel on My Shoulder" - So I turned & left, told myself, I could be as bad as someone else. But I found it hard, when an angel's on my right. But you held my hand, And took me right back down to hell. I have an angel on my shoulder, But a devil in my head.

So there you have it. A small piece of what's running through my mind. Scary huh.

In Progress

A work in progress -
When you really give thought to the name in my of my blog you realize that a work in progress doesn't always mean I'm positively moving forward. In fact, there are times when you could say that I am "working" my way straight backward and forgetting lessons I've learned. I sat for a long time tonight and tried to decide what is keeping me from working my way forward and to a better place. What be so huge in my life that would prevent me from having a sense of peace? I'm thinking to myself all the possible reasons: pride, selfishness, laziness, and suddenly it hit me: fear.

It is one thing to be shy, but I am beginning to have a different outlook on fear. If we are commanded that we ought not to fear death itself, what trivial thing could be so frightening that could paralyze a pretty forthright girl. Fear. As much as I would like to say that I have managed to progress into a better person, and blah blah blah... I'm still afraid.

A person can only be so strong on their own, The rest they must lean on God and his family to help you through. That is one of my favorite characteristics is that I will never do something so bad to be written off. I am bad about doing that with people, and it leaves me having lost some very good friends that just needed some better communications. I would love to set the fear aside and be able to say those unspeakable words.... I miss you, come back to me.

So I have been praying to make the conscious decision to lean on God and face my fears. I am not sure how this will turn out, so please just keep me in your prayers. I have a feeling that it will turn out very painful in the beginning, but full of love in the end. For when you lean on God...there's always love.

In the Night

Sometimes in the middle of the night I wake
I've dreamed your beside me, I'm safe
Like a hit in the stomach, I realize its a mistake
Awake, and alone, although still I'm safe

Safe maybe from the night
but when dawn rises
It will be a daily fight
Going on and blending in with other's lives.


If we are to learn a lesson in life from our actions, I'm ready. I want to learn my lesson so I can move out of this cyclical battle, and move on to being able to live this life of love that I read about. I'm not naive enough to know that struggles never come. But for the second time in my life, I was naive enough to think you didn't have to fight those struggles alone.

As like the time before I will remember that I am not alone. There is One who is strong enough that can help me through the struggles, and be a better person

Relationships & Love

Only hearts devoted to God and truth can experience abundant life and responsible relationships.

This statement is in a book i'm reading entitled Love More Sin Less. I am only to chapter 2, but so far the book has been fascinating. Usually if a book is going to talk about relationships, I am a little leery to read it. I feel like it will all say the same thing... date Christian, set boundaries, pray, etc. While these are all great directives, where is the book that is "relationships for dummies" and what to do when you are shy or been burned and so you are nearly impossible to approach.

Anyway, I love the focus on the book is not around relationships with certain people in your life, but in general how to relate to people. I know some of you are thrilled to hear this, you might be thinking my randomness will go away. Sorry, that might be genetic. :)

There are a large number of people out there who are terrified of the opposite sex. It's not nearly as uncommon as people would like to think it is. This can be because you don't know someone as well as you'd like, or someone maybe has been hurt really bad. It takes a lot of faith after you've been hurt like that to go back out there.

Speaking from someone who is currently taken steps out there after having been in that situation....it's not THAT scary. (Okay, well if I could find a way around it I would....but let's be honest)

i'm hoping this book will have all kinds of great information that I can use in how I interact with all people on a daily basis.

Good news for everyone else: I should start becoming less awkward to be around. I hope. If not, bear with me... it's a subject I'm shy with and have been burned.

Smile

"Then, when it seems we will never smile again, life comes back."

A young girl standing in the rain with her hands up in a gesture of "I don't know" - and this saying right below.

This was a greeting card that I bought years ago, at a time in my life when a smile on my face was a rare thing. It happened to bring a smile to my face that day, and it was so fitting that I bought the card, and kept it. I look at it every time I think I haven't smiled often enough, and it always brings a smile to my face.

=)

My New Favorite Song

The Messenger -Linkin Park

When you feel you're alone
cut off from this cruel world
your instincts telling you to run

listen to your heart
those angel faces
they'll see you to you
they'll be your guide
back home where life leaves us blind
love keeps us kind
it keeps us kind !

when you suffered it all
and your spirit is breaking
you're growing desperate from the fight

Remember your loved
and you always will be
this melody will always bring
you right back home

When life leaves us blind
Love, keeps us kind!
When life leaves us blind
Love keeps us kind!

Ohhhhhh Ohhhhhhh!
Ohhhhhhh Ohhhhhh!
Ohhhhhh Ohhhhhhh!

The Big Gesture

Living in the moment, a heated argument, hurt feelings, these and so much more can lead to a moment where the "big gesture" belongs. This thought has been racing through my mind for days now. The media has given the world a misconception of what the "big gesture" really is. As I'm watching this show on t.v. the guy goes running through the airport to declare his undying love for the girl. Reality, the gesture could be as simple as a text message.

Friendships are such an important part of a person's life. I used to fervently believe that a person could do just fine without the closeness of friends. In fact, a very wise man (my father) once told me that a fault of mine is that I tend to completely walk away and am able to cut someone out of my life entirely. He reminded me that this wasn't the way to build and keep relationships. Cognitively, I understand the concept and know that we as humans need people around us. God wouldn't have designed Eve if Adam would have been better off without her.

The disconnect between the heart-brain lately has been that after giving and giving and giving.... I think my heart tank is on empty. Yes, I realize that it's a very lacking description. There are times in people's lives that no matter the abundance of "I'm sorry" or "I love you" statements things can't be fixed. At what point does this occur. Since I know that I tend to walk away completely so quickly, the question for me now, is how long are you willing to wait?

We have those in our life that we see everyday, our co-workers, family, maybe even the neighbors. I can attest that geographical distance doesn't matter. My best friend in the entire world is over 8 hours away, and her wisdom and love are carried with me in my heart on a daily basis. Yes, money and schedules can interfere with how often we are able to visit one another in person, but there is never a question of commitment or love.

If an individual has the ability to haunt your mind, break your heart, and cause soul-searching .... is this a positive or negative?? All of these qualities are not negative in every situation. In fact, each can lead to personal growth and improvement. It's a line that separates the positive and the negative. No matter how many times someone argues there is a "grey" area... there is a breaking point. What is it? Do we wait for it? What if it's not even recognizable until it's too late? Yes, you can recover. I am living proof of that. Although it leaves a person skeptical and I guess a little too quickly to walk away.

Big Gesture & Line - what are you and where are you? I'd rather not find out too late. I have grown up since the last time I had to face you.... I think I am ready for you to make yourself known. I have dreams and goals... and right now you are affecting my reaching those. I'd rather that not be the case. Either make yourself known, or let me go.

hatima, destiny, suerte, destino

Do you believe in destiny? I am referring to the type where in retrospect you look at the poem by Robert Frost and you say I took the well traveled path or the road less taken.

I am starting to decide that I believe in destiny to a certain degree, but I also know that we make our destiny up to a certain part. As for the second part of that statement...I choose the non-existent path. Sure we could take the path well traveled and lead successful lives; or we could even take the path less traveled and have a few adventures along the way. I vote for taking the path that's no mentioned. I think with God's guidance, wise decision making, and a touch of destiny, your life could be fulfilled to an unimaginable place.

The majority of our lives we are asked what we think, who we are, what we want to be, etc. The questions never seem to stop coming. Once you are educated or established in a job it turns into, when are you going to settle down. After that, what about kids. I don't need to go any further. Anyone reading this has been asked these questions, and knows the feeling of wanting to just say "I don't know"

This is what intrigues me about taking a path not even carved out. It allows for us to not only make our mark on the world, but this way while we are determining exactly who we are, and what we plan to do when we grow up- we can say with confidence these were choices I made on a path I chose. Yes, God has always had a hand in guiding me. and I won't stray from that. However, think how amazing it will be! Think about the stories you'll have to share with family and friends, wisdom that you learned along the way.

I don't think this is necessarily for the weak hearted or for everyone. Taking a path not even carved out will take some time. In a jungle, you have to cut through the underbrush in order to make your own trail. There's also the canopy top keeping you from seeing straight up; but everyday scientists, adventurers, etc. pave their own way and end up discovering a new species or cure for some ailment.

I am not at a place in my life right now where I can answer those questions of "who are you" "what are you doing here" "when are you going to settle down".... I can give an honest answer of this: I am trying to discover who I am. It's a marathon, not a sprint. When I finally am able to reflect on it, I would like to see wisdom, adventure, and God all along the path I have carved.... and maybe even somewhere along the way someone with who to help carve the path.

Melody or Harmony

Even in the silence, I hear the song that you've written on my heart. The melody plays over and over. Sometimes, when i can manage the courage- I will try to harmonize with what I hear. Other times, the music is so beautiful on it's own, I just sit and listen trying to remember every measure so that it will replay accurately in my head later.

Music can bear your soul and tell the world exactly what you are feeling. Like magic, music can also let you lose yourself in it, and listen to only the music itself. What you feel is the rhythm of the drums, strum of the guitar, even the clapping of hands.

The music I listen to on a daily basis usually changes depending on how I am feeling. It does usually stay within a few genres.


As I am growing up, well let's be real, maturing in my job, I am learning to not wear my emotions on my sleeve. Nope, I am still not very good at this. Music has helped though. If I can listen to that type of music, or if I can write about it.... then I am doing okay. I was asked to speak in chapel earlier this week. I have never spoken in front of a group that large. I have never had to give a reason that would be interesting to the entire audience for "why am I here." Let's just say I had a blank canvas. There was no song playing in head, or in my heart. I was finally able to answer the question, but it took a lot of time.

It's one thing for me to wear an emotion on my sleeve- anger. I almost never can hide anger. The truth is, while anger might be what is predominately showing.... chances are that I am incredibly hurt, and anger is my way of coping with the situation. As an attorney we are trained to continue on no matter what. Well, sometimes in life, we have a disease or a mental condition that can prevent this. One of the ways I have been able to cope with what I have been diagnosed with is that I rarely open to people. It never seems to work out well. So I write....or I listen to Music.

So when you and I are in the same room, or quite possibly singing the same song and you are singing melody and I am pitifully trying to sing harmony, remember this- I realize I can't carry a tune. That may just be one of the ways that I am able to reach out to people. It's indirect, and some may say cowardly, but if you only knew how anxious some people truly get around others would you understand.

Music is like a window to the soul for some people. It allows you to get to know them on a level you might never have been able to by a simple conversation. As I close out, the current song playing is : When You Wish Upon A Star.

It's been a good night :)

A Rare Admission

Somewhere along the journey, I have forgotten one of my most profound realizations. This hardly doesn't seem right for someone who has chosen to title their blog "A Work in Progress." Nine years ago I realized that I had received more love in my life that some people will ever know. As awkward as I can be at times with people, God has continually shown me love through others.

Falling in love is something that tends to come unexpectedly, and can leave a handprint on the heart. It was this that made me realize how fortunate I was to have had that kind of love at one time. I was blessed to learn that lesson when I was 21 years old. It has allowed me to look at life with a smile, and know how lucky I am.

Everything so far is something that I have told people frequently when asked why I don't ever bother to really put myself out there. It's a standard answer that allows me to pacify someone who desires that I know what love is, without really having to answer a question. The rare admission is this- while I lived in Oklahoma I was fortunate enough to meet a few wonderful guys. I did them a disservice in the fact that because of my fear, a fear that paralyzes, I never gave it a full chance to turn a growing relationship into something that could have been amazing. To those- I apologize. As for here in Tennessee, I haven't even managed to find the courage to go on a proper date. Doing a self-check on my work in progress would leave me to give myself a pitiful failing grade.

So I guess, if I am a work in progress.. then I am supposed to be working on myself. I have tried this theory of opening myself to others. I still not sure if I am even good at it. I guess that is a questions you can ask the handful of close friends that I have. I already know the answer to if I have made any progress when it comes to opening myself up to the opportunity for love. I seem to find myself making a small step forward here and there, and then turning and running at the first chance I can get. Usually, that first chance is one that doesn't really exist...but I can pretend it's there. I know that it is causing me to miss out on a great deal of joy in my life. I am still trying to overcome the fear of being rejected or worse... not being rejected and doing something myself to mess it up.

Hopefully, somewhere along the way I will meet someone who can learn to love me, fear and all, and hold my hand to remind me that being scared isn't such a bad thing. A life without risk, surely shall be a life without many treasures. Because that, is something I want. A true love.
Love
Rae

Expect no more blogs of this type- I watched Letters to Juliet earlier....and well... I found myself typing

Let It Rain

As I am currently working on another article of some sorts.... tonight's blog will be the lyrics to newly discovered song:

It's called Let It Rain by Sara Bareilles

I wish I were pretty

I wish I were brave

If I owned this city

Then I'd make it behave



And if I were fearless

Then I'd speak my truth

And the world would hear this

That's what I wish I'd do, yeah



If my hands could hold them you'd see

I'd take all these secrets in me
And I'd move and mold them to be

Something I'd set free



I want to darken in the skies

Open the floodgates up

I want to change my mind

I want to be enough

I want the water in my eyes

I want to cry until the end of time



I want to let the rain come down

Make a brand new ground

Let the rain come down

Let the rain come down

Make a brand new ground

Let the rain come down tonight



I hold on to worry so tight

It's safe in here right next to my heart

Who now shouts at the top of her voice

Let me go, let me out, this is not my choice



And I always felt it before

That the world was filled with much more

Than the drowning soul I've learned to be

I just need the rain to remind me



I want to darken in the skies

Open the floodgates up

I want to change my mind

I want to be enough

I want the water in my eyes

I want to cry until the end of time



I want to let the rain come down

Make a brand new ground

Let the rain come down

Let the rain come down

Make a brand new ground

Let the rain come down



I want to let the rain come down

Make a brand new ground

Let the rain come down

Let the rain come down

Make a brand new ground

Let the rain come down



I want to let the rain come down

Make a brand new ground

Let the rain come down

Let the rain come down

Make a brand new ground

Let the rain come down tonight

Time Goes By

Memories

When I look at the stars at night I'm reminded of singing under them at camp, laying on a blanket laughing and picking out shapes, or trying to memorize what they look in the different places I visit. Each person sees something different when they look at the stars. The same idea falls for just about everything in life.

One of my favorite things is reading, well okay lately it's been sleeping, but both of them have a common appeal to me. Using your imagination to make a story come to life or in your dreams make your goals and dreams come to life- For instance, if myself and 3 others read the same story out of the Bible, yes, some of the themes will be common. What's so wonderful though is that each of us will read it based on our own life, and can make different observations that benefit us all. As for dreams, we each dream uniquely, luckily I dream in vivid color and usually remember them It makes for some funny stories in the morning.

Part of what we learned i psychology was that our memories are biased. Eye witness accounts are not necessarily the most reliable source of evidence. I remember a kiss once when I was younger. It was something that happened so spontaneous and unexpected that later than night I wasn't even sure if it had really happened.

Then there are the memories that are engraved in our minds, effects burned in our hearts, and recollection can still take your breath away. Writing about them, taking photographs, filming them... it may record the moment in time, but the memory itself- well that may be subject to change.

I have had to spend a lot of time at the hospital lately. It has brought back memories, and I have had the opportunity to hear memories from my mother. They are stories that I never got a chance to hear directly from my mamma, Evelyn Jean, (yep I was named after her.. they just added a A) While it has been sad, I know I will cherish the moments for a long time. Unfortunately, even if my mamma does completely recover, the Alzheimers will keep her from being able to share the stories herself.

It the quiet lately I have had a chance to re-think on some of my memories. And yes, they can bring back smiles, tears, and hopes of reliving some of them. As time goes by, time will tell.

Why I Write

Proverbs 4:23
Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

If I put my thoughts into words, I tend to read and re-read what I have written to make sure what I have written makes sense and is not as likely to cause more trouble for myself. The context of guarding your heart includes not allowing corrupt things to come from your mouth. Again, writing forces me to determine how badly I want that thought to be out there for the world to hear.

My best friend in the entire world is 9 hours away. I love my family, my job, and the people here. Nothing replaces my best friend. She was there for me when the love of my life broke my heart, when my best friend crushed my heart and trust for mankind, when I walked across the stage, and many other adventure since our friendship. To say that I miss her would be the understatement of the century.

I know that we end up where we are in life for a reason. There is a reason I am here, and I know that good works are being done. I can't say that if I were given a choice to go pick up my life in Oklahoma I would go back. It would be a hard decision, but right now- here is where I belong.

Having that said, I can now say without any guilt that I am so completely homesick. I miss being able to call up Dani Rose and say I've had the most awful day, week, month of my life and within 20 minutes she will have me giggling and remind me of some of the times in life that has been worse. She would understand, and be able to give me answer when I ask, "when is the friendship worth mending, or just walk away?" "Should I really wears heel to work?" or one of my latest questions... "why, oh why did I agree to get a kitten?"

Seriously, she knows how awful I have always been at relationships, work wise, friendships, dating, enemies... I always get confused and feel awkward, so I end up saying what I mean (I seldom lie) but it always comes out hurtful or without even getting my point across.

We get to talk, but we are both living incredibly busy lives right now. My plan is to find time to actually ask her the aforementioned questions and get some answers. I guess he question I would add to that would be... "blind date- yes or no?" and "can I pull of the hippie look ok?"

Until then here is where I stand... fairly heart-broken (sometimes it can hurt worse when it's only a friendship), sore feet, sweet little kitten named Sheba... and as for the blind date. Well, I'll do what I always do, bail. As for the hippie look... I kinda like it, and so it stays. =)

This is why I write. It lets me acknowledge the pain, and as my daddy says, "put on my big girl britches and deal with." Monday- bring it on!

While I may be a low-maintenance person who rarely opens up to how I feel....when I do, it's probably been because I've been hurting for awhile. I just haven't had the nerves to put it out there for the world to read.

Dani Rose- I WLL come find you soon.

Gravity

Gravity? Whey this title... I learned earlier this week that distance and time mean nothing in love. One of my dearest friends in the world lost his father this week. His father led a wonderful life, and raised an amazing son. He suffered a little in the end, and so as we all grieve his death it is a comfort to know that he has gone to our wonderful Father in Heaven.

The drive there was long and stressful one (thank you beloved car, that is living on it's last few hundred miles) and the drive home was exhausting. Usually the drive is a peaceful one, and I am able to reflect and celebrate the time I have spent with loved ones. Since this was not the case, I didn't get a chance to truly reflect on the time I was there. I have neglected to see this friend the last couple of trips down. Usually we are able to go to dinner, and he makes sure his little sister is behaving, and me make sure he is misbehaving some.

Here are some background details to set the setting for my favorite memory of Johnny Weeks. A long time ago, I fell in love. For the time in my life, the love was strong, amazing, and life-changing. Although it wasn't a true love. I know that now. There is nothing I would change during that time in my life. It holds some of my fondest memories. However, when a love so strong...well fades- sometimes it's not pretty. This is my dear friend comes in. In an effort to show me the world was still rotating and there was plenty of fun and life left out there, we started attending OU football games. I kept up with it some... but to be completely honest, I still had A LOT to learn about football. And I did =)

I still lived in my hometown at the time. So every weekend I would drive up to McAlester to meet and drive over to Norman. Every weekend Johnny would be there to wish us a safe trip, he would be smiling, and would always have something true and cheerful to say. I don't think he ever knew the true value of what his son was doing, taking me and introducing me to what would be one day my alma mater. The constant love and support shown every weekend by he and his son reminded me that there are others outside my immediate family and best friend Dani who could remind me of love. It was a love of friendship, but nonetheless, it may have saved my life.

This blog is dedicated to a wonderful man who he and his son impacted my life in a way that I am not sure either ever realized. I haven''t been able to put much into words today, and certainly not well... so here is my poorly written, but completely from the heart favorite memories of a wonderful man - Johnny Weeks.

It's a Cold & It's a Broken Hallelujah

"love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."

Funny how a movie about a huge green ogre can have some amazing music for the soundtrack. I was spending some quality time with the man in my life (he just happens to be my sweet lil nephew.. not quite 2 yet) watching Shrek and a song came on titled Hallelujah. It has quite possible one of my favorite lines for a song in it.. "love is not a victory march, it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah."

This might be one of the truest descriptions of love that I have ever heard. If a person is lucky enough to find love, actual love and not some lie... well they learn firsthand exactly how the road of love is. It's beautiful, heartbreaking, and when it's real... worth it all.

Radical Honesty- Brain Mouth Filter

I alluded to a book I'm reading titled My Life As An Experiment in my last blog. I have decided to blog about some of the thoughts I have on the book. It's fascinating! It's sort of an autobiography- he is a journalist who decided to start living out experiments and then writing about them. This particular chapter is about Radical Honesty.

As a Christian I know that we are supposed to live an honest life, and that includes the telling the truth part. This experiment goes beyond that. The author, A.J. Jacobs, in addition to telling the truth also says whatever he is thinking. He does admit in the chapter that he was not able to follow this 100%. He began research on the topic by speaking to Brad Blanton, the founder of Radical Honesty. One of the situations that intrigued me follows:

A friend of Jacobs lost his wife. In the process of coping, he started writing poetry. He asked Jacobs to read his poetry and give a professional response to what he thought about it. A.J. didn't particular think the poetry was great, but wrote the man back and told him it was wonderful. After having some guilt over not following his radical honesty commitment, he told Blanton what he had happened. Jacobs justification was that the man was going through a hard time, and needed some compassion in his life, not more unhappy news. The response he got amazes me, "authentic caring underneath your usual intellectual b.s. and overvaluing of your critical judgment. Your lie is not useful to him. In fact, it is simply avoiding our responsibility as one human being to another. that's okay. It happens all the time. It is not a mortal sin. But don't b.s. yourself about it being kind." Wow. To me, that's a new kind of thinking. To me, this goes along with the principal of whether or not those little white lies are helpful or not.

At one point in the relatinship between Jacobs and Blanton Jacobs sends an email to Blanton expressing his resentment over a responsive email Blanton sent him. The email Blanton sent back was this, "What you don't seem to get yet, A.J. is that the reason for expressing resentment directly and in person is so that you can experience in your body the sensation that occur when you express the resentment, while at the same time being in the presence of the person you resent, and so you can stay with them until the sensations arise and recede and then get back to neutral- which is what forgiveness is."

This is so applicable to our lives today, especially mine. It is so simply to send a text message, email, or Facebook message saying how unfair you think a decision is. Or worse, reading tone into a text message, and assuming the worst about someone. I am not a huge fan of confrontation, but I am a firm believer in not holding grudges. My very wise father told me that I am too quick to completely write someone off and remove them from my life once I have been betrayed by them. My previous thinking on the matter was this- I don't hold a grudge against them, I hope they do well in life. They just don't have to interact with my life. (this unfortunately has happened more than I would like to admit) Therefore I am working on, not necessarily being an antagonistic person, but working on not withdrawing from the world or completely writing off people. I still have major trust issues with people, but I guess that is something that I will have to continually work on and pray about.

Here is the part that I don't necessarily agree with. Blanton suggests that you don't just practice honestly, but say whatever pops into your brain when it does. An example, Jacobs mentions to a colleague during a business meeting that, yes, he had just tried to look down her shirt. (He does end up apologizing and explaining the situation) He also announces while he is in a room with his wife and parents-in-law that he is now bored... and walks out. This part of Radical Honesty could have major consequences. While I have not made these particular comments, I have unfortunately said what I was thinking at the moment to other colleagues at work. It's safe to say that I am still working on my cooperation with other offices. =)

So here is what I am left to think about: do I tell the person that while I would trust them with my life, I wouldn't let them near my heart with a ten foot pole. Or how about, yep... you've wiggled your way into my heart.. but I don't trust you as far as I could throw you. It's just a matter of time before you prove me right about the world again. Lastly, I guess at some point my nephew is going to catch on and actually understand when I say to him (in a sweet loving voice) I love you so much, but I that constant drool is annoying, and stop thieving my stuff. In all fairness... the last time he threw up on me, I managed to not vomit and successfully clean it up. Okay... I gagged a little. =)

I want to give the book proper credit, so here is where the information I based this blog on is from.My Life as an Experiment (One Man's Humble Quest to Improve Himself) by A.J. Jacobs. The other individual mentioned here is Brad Blanton, the founder of Radical Honesty.

Change is In the Air

CHANGE
So many things are going on in my life right now that it hardly seems fair to keep them to myself. I find it so interesting that people can hear one things or observe one moment in time, and assume that is how it is all of the time. For instance, I am reading this book, and in it the author describes how when someone cuts him off in the middle of the highway, instead of thinking "you jerk" think that it might be a possibility that he has a sick little girl with him, and it is you who are in his way.

That little story is just a beginning to some of the changes in my thinking that I am trying to have lately. I have learned a lot this summer. Not only have I learned and shared information about God's Word, developed relationships with others, but I have also taken the time to start to learn myself a little bit. The three pictures I have posted here are from very different times in my life. Although, you can see me in every single picture. After I finished choosing the pictures, I noticed that the pictures I had chosen all portrayed myself as a blonde. I guess that no matter what the hair color is, and how far I stray from the natural, I will always be a blond at heart. =)


This upcoming school semester is going to be quite a change and challenge for me. So here it is summed up in 3 sentences. I am no longer going to be the Dean of Students. I will continue to teach and be the Director of Disability Services. I am also the International Student Advisor.

I'm guessing some of you might want some more information. Well, here goes. While I loved being the Dean of Students, I truly feel like I can be benefiting the students in a different role. Tom & Missie are more than capable of carrying on the tasks. I would like to have a different type of working relationship with the students. I also see a growing need in the Office of Disabilities that this will give me time to focus on. One of my overall life wishes is to do foreign mission work. Having myself, with the help of Sarah, work with the international students only seemed like the next logical step.

These are changes that I am thrilled about. They did not come from one particular event, actions of one person, but through many hours in prayer and questioning if this is what I really wanted/needed. Sometimes people tend to forget that I haven't had much of my 20's to actually be my age. This is giving me the opportunity to do that. It is also letting me focus on developing better relationships with the students on campus to better serve the school.

As we grow older our priorities change about what we want in life. It just happens that right now my priorities have shifted. I think to serve the students in the best way possible, and keep myself in a good healthy place this is the best move. I have no idea how the next semester will proceed, but i am looking forward to finding out. Now is the time in my life where I want to develop the friendships that will last forever. I want to change other's lives for the better. Who knows, I may even step out there a little bit and go on a date (Missie, I know what you're thinking..and your blind dates will be limited ;P ) This is the time when I can have fun, and enjoying being who I am, and do God's work.

More than anything I love the students, and everything I do - I try to do what is best for them But for a little while.... I'd like to be known as Jeana Rae instead of Dean Wiley.

Em um bom lugar

Foreward:
I'm watching one of my favorite movies, and one of the best lines is coming up- so I'll share. "We must all fear evil men. but there is another kind of evil which we must fear most, and that is the indifference of good men." Wow. That is a powerful statement.
Boondock Saints

Blog:
The titel of the blog is "in a good place." I have learned in the past couple of months that no matter how healthy you feel physically, emotionally, or spiritually- your surroundings can have a huge impact on bringing you up or dragging you down. A wise woman stated that the only way to feel inferior is to let someone make you feel inferior. Eleanor Roosevelt said that. (Although that is not the direct quote, it's the principle of the issue).

Spending time away from home & returning has led me to create a lot of mental lists. My OCD kicks in at some point, and so I give in to the whims and create the lists just to keep myself from becoming to obsessive. These lists have been: what is it about my life down there, that I know needs to be alive in me here. Or what part of my life up here did I manage to sacrifice down there, and realize that I can truly live without. Are my priorities set in the wrong place? There are a lot of lists like this running through my mind.

Here is the biggest one: what is keeping me from being happy; or put another way, what can I do to be happy?
While this may seem to be a selfish statement, especially given the paragraphs above, for someone who truly knows me, they know a lot of my life is given with others in mind and little to myself. At the true core of myself I want to serve God, and do His will. My interpretation of that is that one day in the future I will do foreign mission work. If God has other plans for me, I will be okay with that as well. I have learned that in life we have to adjust, and so I pray that that I will have the wisdom to recognize and not fight what God's will is for me. I do well away from home. It's because I have the faith that my family is still walking in the Lord's path and they are supporting me.

To me, whether it be taking off on my own and serving God in a foreign field, or finding someone who shares the same love and passions I do to work with... it is in my future. I have felt for a long time now that there has been a weight on m chest holding me back. Something has been keeping me from acting like I am in my 20s. I realize that I am not so young, but when I think about why people my age are doing.... my mind comes up blank. I started this blog to find myself along a journey. All I have found so far is that my tolerance for a child's vomit is growing, I am strong enough to stand up and ask for what I want/need at work, but I have no idea what I want or need in my personal life.

I have had the pleasure to meet a lot of nice guys this summer, in fact an incredibly sweet guy. I wouldn't know what to do, or where to go and any thought of impossibility would make me stop cold. Friends.. I am great at that. I could be incredibly attracted to the person, and if I know I don't have to worry about crossing a line... there is no stress for me. If only I could carry that over.

My goal: the next blog will have something in it that I have accomplished as young girl my age. Not an employee, daughter, sister, etc... but as me. =)

By the way, I am open to suggestions for fun activities I should be doing. My mind is literally drawing a blank =(

Top 3 Questions

Not that I don't mind repeating myself... which incidentally I do, I thought I'd make it simple and just post answers to the 3 most likely answers I have been asked:

1. How was Brasil? It was amazing. The country is beautiful, and the people are so nice. Yes, I am glad to be back and see my family. Do I want to go back? Of course.

2. Am I dating someone? No. Not only am I not married, engaged, or dating... I don't plan on being- any time soon. I am single, and perfectly happy that way. I have amazing friends, and right now I'm not up for the risk.

3. How is work? Work is great. We are getting ready for the incoming Fall 2010 freshman. We are expecting some great students this year. They are remodeling the cafeteria that was above me. Now, I hear construction above me all day, and there is a cafeteria right outside our office door. Upside- if I get hungry... I hear the food is remarkably better.


Hopefully, this will help with curiosities.

Adventures & Shenanigans

Okay, I've been home for exactly one week- so here is my blog:

The campaign was amazing. It was unlike any campaign I have been on before. I am accustomed to medical campaigns, or working with the children's home. This was a door-knocking campaign. The group that went was made up of a random group of people, but it all worked out really well. We got to meet so many new people, take the Word to those who needed it, and build relationships in the process.

When I left for the trip I had a walking boot on my left foot. I was in week 4ish of recovery from some torn ligaments, because I fell down some stairs. I was able to ditch the boot & ankle brace about a week and half in. It might have been sooner, but I couldn't resist playing soccer with the children. It was worth it. :) There are a couple of others things that slowed down recovery, but worth it.

When it came time to fly back on Sunday with the group, I had a major decision to make. Stay or go. Looking back, it was a no brainer, but at the time I wasn't sure. In fact, I made it to the airport, bags packed, etc. to board the plane. I didn't. Not getting on that plane was the best decision I have made in months. I wasn't sure where I would stay, or what I would be doing - but I knew that it was the right thing to do.

It was an AMAZING week! I got to hang out with one of my best friends, meet new people, see new places. I met some incredible people. Coming back to the States was really hard for me. It has been hard to explain, and I haven't done well at trying to explain. I guess I'll try here and see what happens: in Brasil, I got to be me- Jeana. I wasn't someone's daughter, an employee, sister, etc. I got to be me. If I was referred to as anything it was American friend. There were no expectations from the people I was with, or met, that I was to be a certain way. I was able to be me, and make decisions based on what I wanted and not what someone else wanted for me. I haven't really been able to be like that in months and months.

Random adventure: I went with Icaro's mom to San Paulo to visit his sister. I wasn't too worried that I speak basically no Portuguese, and his mother speaks very little English. People have a way of communicating when they need to. Plus, if Icaro said I would be safe and have fun I believed him. I was and I did. I got to not only hang out with his sister, but I got to meet some interns from ACU and learn about their work down there. The trip to San Paulo was much too short, but I loved every part of it.

Random outing: some of us went to the movies. Yes, the movie was in English with Portuguese subtitles. I think some of the translation was definitely lost on Icaro and Breno. It made me appreciate the fact that these amazing movies are filmed in my language, and I don't have to worry about things like phrases being lost in translation. Anyway, we went on to go eat etc. and have an amazing night. =)

and then came Goodbye. Icaro, his mom, and Breno all came to the airport with me. I don't mind traveling alone. In fact, I almost prefer it that way. But waiting to go through security and say goodbye was so hard. So hard doesn't really explain it. It was really hard to say by to Icaro's mom. She took me in for a week and treated me like family. She is a truly amazing mother to Icaro and I can understand why he misses her when he's in the US. It's also incredibly difficult to say goodbye to such a sweet guy like Breno, when you haven't got to spend nearly enough time as you'd like with him. Then there's Icaro. He's my best guy friend. Of course it's hard to leave. Especially when they are saying to stay. I made a deal with my father that if I could stay longer, I would be home before they left for Maine. I got back Monday evening, they left Wednesday midmorning.

So now I'm back, but part of my heart is still there. I am still in contact with some of the people i met, and I fully believe I will go back soon. Until then, I will continue to try and be the best I can be at my job. It's not going to come at the expense of my life or any fun though. There has got to be a balance, and my goal is to find that balance this summer.

Belo Horizonte.... we come

I always have something to reflect on at the end of the semester. I promise I shall do this just as soon as I am back from Brazil. I am leaving out tomorrow after graduation. My 2 closest friends will be going on the mission trip with me, and I could not be more excited. As I was packing for the trip, a peace came over me. It's a peace that I haven't got to feel in a long time. The anticipation of going on a mission trip, and getting to show Christ's love through service to others.

It's also just as exciting that I am going to the hometown of a very good friend of mine. Anyway, pray for a successful mission trip.

I am so proud of those graduating, and those who aren't. Drake and some of the students organized a gift for me that is so precious, I will keep it close to my heart always. I have never felt that love and appreciation from a group of people, some I knew, some I did not know so well, but they all took time out of their busy schedule to encourage me. To me, that's an excellent example of Christian love.

okay.... now I'm just rambling

Simplicity, Silence, Sincerity

Simply put - I have decided to break the silence and blog what is sincerely in my heart.

*That was an awful beginning sentence.. I was feeling sarcastic.

I spent 4 years in undergraduate school focusing on studying the human and why we think and act like we do. I should have completed the minor in anthropology, but instead just settled for graduating on time with the psychology degree. I then spent 3 years learning the law and how it affects humans and their nature.

Although my job is very public in nature, I am a very private person- or try to be. I am fascinated with people and their behavior. I originally wanted to go into forensic psychology, but was led in the direction of law instead. Someone convinced me I could help others better by training in law. My psychology and anthropology professors focused on how and why people think and act the way they do. Law professors - focused on the results and consequences of these actions. Learning about people has allowed me to try and help them in various ways. It's bigger than a career goal, or current job, I have always wanted to work in a service profession with others.

I have been blessed to spend time during the past 12 years in Central America doing mission work. I worked mainly in Jinotepe, Nicaragua- a place i call my second home. The sincerity I witnessed there is something that I have not been as fortunate to see as much here. Working long term in the mission field is what I want most. If I have a meaningful for purpose for why I am in public, or around a lot of people even in a small setting ... then I am more comfortable. In fact, this is one of the reasons why I am still working where I am.

Psychology & anthropology taught me the value of those who are sincere. It is a trait that is quickly losing its popularity. Silence can be seen as a form of sincerity. For example, taking a moment of silence out of respect for those who have lost their lives. Like all things in life, there are two sides. False sincerity and silence can be just powerful. Powerful and hurtful more exactly. Communication is necessary to get by day to day. For situations where we don't feel comfortable, or are unable, to communicate for ourselves we find ways. For example, lawyers. Lawyers are employed to communicate how the law and a specific set of facts, facts connected to an individual, are related. Although the clients may be angry or distraught, we were taught that the client being able to "be heard" is valuable as well as the end result of the lawsuit.

So after all of this rambling I conclude with this simple, yet vital thought: do you act in a way that is sincere with what your heart wants? and is this what God wants?

No expectations

It's been incredibly difficult to keep up with the blog lately. Don't expect much of anything on here for awhile. Writing more of a book of thoughts/musings... I'll get around to sharing it sometime.

An Answer to the Silent Question

Here is a lesson I have learned in the last 3 days- when you have an infection in your lungs, and it feels like you are breathing water... well, talking isn't high on the priority list. This leaves a lot of time for reflection, prayer, reading....

No question is truly silent. Since He knows our thoughts, He will always know the questions on our heart. The answers, they come with patience and leaning completely on God. Everything else, is .... well.... not worth mentioning. :)

Thanks be to God for this powerful lesson - on questions and answers that is.

Time Tells

Randomly, as of Sunday morning my bedroom clock is now the correct time. I never bothered to "fall back" and just calculated an hour off the time to make it correct. Now it's back to the correct time.

Today I was thinking about what was going on this time last semester. It's funny how things change, or sometimes they don't. Either way... time passes and continues to go forward.

Every Mile a Memory

3 Random Stories and maybe a connection

1. Story One
If one is, let's just say 3 and half years younger than her brother, it would take quite a bit of running to always catch up in time to go play. Growing up I was allowed to play with Tommy and his friends on occasion. Most of the time we were on our way to the creek, and playing in the pasture to get there. One day I remember in particular. It was usually just my brother, me, and his best friend. On that day though, our neighbor came along as well. As odd as this sounds, I somehow ended up in the pasture with my feet covered in thorns/spurs. (It doesn't sound odd to find me somewhere without shoes....but we were a good half mile or so from the house) Anyway, it was quite painful, and I remember Tommy getting the neighbor to let me ride on his back the whole way home so that Tommy could help pick them out of my feet. I don't remember crying, or it being really that painful. I'm not entirely sure how I lost my shoes (although...it must have been a foreshadowing of my life these days), why Tommy didn't bring me back, but was there with me. Anyway, the walk from through the pasture was a long one. Me, being stubborn, would ever so often say "I can walk" and the friend, being a good friend, would let me down to try and pick me up when it hurt. That trip back to the house was one of the longest walks I remember. I was completely dependent on someone else to get back. That takes a lot of trust from me, but Tommy said it was okay and so I went.

2. Story Two
It was one of the coldest, dreariest, and without a doubt lonely walks I've ever had to make. In early spring, it is not unusual to find rainy days where it would be nice to curl up in bed and sleep it away. In this story you'll find yourself reading about a young lady who is at a grave site. She was there by the request of the individual who had just broke her heart and turned her world upside down. However, tragedy trumps broken heart every time, and so there I was. It was after the graveside service, and people were just paying respects, crying, etc. It was a family I had grown to know and love for three years, and so I to felt sorrow with them. Anyway, it was time for me to quietly, and with what little dignity I felt like I still had, make my way to the car and slip away. Of course I said goodbye... which literally was something like this : "I'm so sorry for your loss" "thanks" "I have to get back now" "ok" 'Bye" "bye" Not exactly one of the most memorable conversations. In fact, there is a good chance I just butchered that part. The part I remember is walking in the wet cemetery, completely alone, just hoping/wishing to hear something like, "stop" or "wait just a second" and then would come the part where he ran after me, we hugged ... and lived happily ever after. Well, that didn't come- but he is happily married to a beautiful young lady, and I am happy where I am. But the long, cold, walk that day still lives in my mind.

3. Story three
Bumps, ditches, potholes, all of these we tried to avoid while driving down the road. I was one of 7 or 8 sitting in the back of the pickup while we made our way to the nearest baptistry. My friend and I were chosen from the group to go be present at a very private baptism. It took us 45 minutes one way to get there, and as much as we aimed to avoid those bumps and potholes they just kept jumping out in front of us. However, 45 minutes later, legs numb from sitting, hands sore from holding on, I was able to witness one of life's most precious moments. When you are able to watch someone be baptized, it brings up all kinds of emotions. Love, compassion, joy, and of course memories of our own experiences. It truly is a special moment and it was a precious gift that the 2 outsiders were allowed to be present.

Tonight in class at church I heard an amazing lesson. It was on making the decisions in life that will basically define us, both now and twenty years from now. it started me thinking on different paths I've taken so far in life, and the choices I have made. There have been some defining decisions, but only one or two that would be of the caliber that would change my life significantly. I'm not sure how often these choices come but I do think in the past 2 weeks I was able to make one. I went back to visit my beloved Oklahoma that I truly miss these days. I found myself in a situation very similar to times before. It's one of those times that when you're with someone, and you might not be even the least bit attracted (although I was) you are there because it is how you would have behaved in previous years mainly for 2 reasons: night of fun or to get your mind of someone else. I was hoping for the latter. Although I had a perfectly good time, I would say that we both it wasn't the same.

I say that to say this. There was a part of me that just wanted to eat, see a movie, catch up on old times, and have an enjoyable night with a good friend. There was never any definite promise of something more, or not something more? Anyway, I chose to not even explore the possibility because where I am now, is worlds away. And when my ultimate goal is to be across the world from where I am doing God's work, that seemed like an obstacle. And in all reality, I just needed to get someone out of my mind, and remember that there is a world full of people. The lesson I learned: I have made some little choices in the last 3 years that have led me to react completely different in situations. I am by no means close enough to my relationship with God, but while I am patiently waiting for His will for me, I plan on learning everything I can about Him, and His Son Jesus. There have got to be 100 different ways every day I could influence someone. Am I making the right choices? My current choice is this: I choose to help those that I can, but I am not going to put my personal life on hold. When I get around to having the time for one, I plan balancing it with my other goals. I do truly believe this is part of God's will in my life.


My stories all surrounded me around people. People includes emotions like love, loss, and confusion. I know there will be plenty of stories about miles I've traveled, but I am confident that I will be making them walking in the direction my Lord wants me to.

Te Amo Tía

"Te Amo Tía GiGi"
(I love you Aunt Gigi)

Precious precious words. This particular blog started with me pining away for blankie. You see, blankie and me, well we've been through a lot.... going to college, finding love, losing love, moving, traveling .... it seems like everywhere I go, my blankie has gone with me. As I lay here trying to remember some of the fondest memories I have of my blankie, I am immediately taken back to Nicaragua. I started doing mission work there every year approximately 10 years ago. One of the few possessions I kept from when I lived in a dorm room my freshman year (for a semester) was blankie. This means that the majority of time I spent in Nicaragua - every night I was able to lay my head down on blankie and thank the good Lord for blessing me with the ability to travel and do mission work. This is my passion.

So my attachment to blankie was a conscious decision. We traveled a lot in Nicaragua, and while I did not always know if there would be a bed for me to lay in at night, I would always have my blankie. Further, there is nothing sweeter than wrapping up with one of the niños for story time with blankie. So I'll just throw the pathetic plea of this particular blog in that I left it in Oklahoma 2 weeks ago. This is the longest I have gone without him. I'm trying to convince my cousin to overnight it to me, but I can't blame her for being busy. And so, instead of whining about how I'm not sleeping as well, I am going take joy in the great memories I have.

Back to Central America. I have done all kinds of mission work there: door-knocking; cooking; VBS; medical work in pharmacy; dental work; construction; and working with the children's home. The last is what really took my heart and gave me my passion for the mission field. While I have fond memories of working on the medical trips, etc. there is nothing as sweet as hearing those precious words "Tía,Tía!!!!!" when you've been gone. It doesn't matter if you were gone for 20 minutes or 10 months. The
niños taught a precious lesson of love. It was an automatic acceptance of us as family (tia- aunt) with no question. There were no expectations, limitations, etc. Being able to connect with others through the common bond of Christ is such an awesome thing. My heart pours love out for these children and this work. The diverse backgrounds they each come from, most of the horrible beyond our imagination, and yet they trust us and love us so openly. That truly is the power of God.

I grew so fond of this work, that I almost deferred law school for a year so I could go work down there on a permanent basis. However, it did not work out as planned, and so law school it was. However, I still managed to make 2-3 trips a year down there. Unfortunately the summer I had to start studying for the BAR exam, well.... that was the first trip I missed. It feels like it's been ages since I was down there to visit. There are a lot of reasons why I have not been able to go back, yet. Right now I am in a mission field, I am working with students on a university campus, and I love my job. One of the requirements though, is not that I can sing Father Abraham in spanish :)

So while I grow accustomed to a different blanket as I wait patiently for my blankie... I will reflect, rejoice, and renew my passion for the mission ministry that I was so involved in. We are leaving to go to New York in two weeks for a mission trip. My prayer is that we will be successful, safe, and serve the Lord, and that blankie is with me for it. I know that when I travel internationally, blankie will be there with me as well.

Fountain of Youth

Ponce de León, and many other spent a great deal of time searching for the Fountain of Youth. The Fountain is said to restore the youth of those who drink of its waters. I've been thinking about youth a lot lately, and the blessing and curses involved with youth. Now, the Fountain of Youth is written about in historical passages, mythological stories, and other writings. Here are my three questions:

1. Is it a restoration of physical youth?

2. Is it a restoration of emotional & psychological youth?

3. or both?

I rarely write about my job, mainly due to confidentiality reasons, but in this particular blog I am going to be commenting on my work. During the interview, I was asked a common question - what would be your greatest strength for this position? (for the random reader... I was 25, and interviewing to be Dean of Students). I remember looking them directly in the eye and saying my youth. I went into the interviewing expecting that my age was going to be of some concern. Yes, I have a college degree, a doctorate, and I'm a licensed attorney- but I was 25. I can remember one of the gentlemen's jaw drop at my response.

Why on earth would I say youth? Here is why- to me in order to be able to not just "discipline" students, but to interact with the student body, I honestly feel like you should be somewhere near their age. I explained that while I was younger than most applicants, I also spent three years in law school where I was trained specifically to deal with actions and consequences. This was to deal with, I felt, was the source of concern...would I be able to discipline someone so close to my age. This area of my job- I probably have the least problems with. It breaks my heart to have to discipline, but the rules and policies are in place, and I will always stay strictly to the policy for every individual involved.

Now, having that all said, I will go back to my original questions about the Fountain of Youth. While I guess I can somehow understand the appeal of being restored to a physical youth... I will be honest when I say that I do not think I could spend part of my life searching for something that would take me emotionally & psychologically backward. Going to a state university, I learned a lot about the real world, and managed to hang on to my faith. That is not to say I have never messed up, but at the end of my education, I still realized that I wanted to do God's work first.

While I have had several individuals comment on how difficult it must be to be so close to the students' age, I can honestly say the blessing outweigh any costs involved. Yes, rumors are constantly spread about me showing favoritism or acting in some unprofessional way. My response is this- I do not show favoritism. If you don't believe me, you can ask some of my closest friends, and they (if they choose) will tell you that I discipline everyone the same. I value every student equally on campus as a student. However, if at the end of the work day, I choose to be friends with any of them, that is my right as a person.

There is nothing in the handbook that states that I cannot connect with the student body- be it through friendships, mentoring, dating, etc. Does this mean that I am going to forget the example I am setting for others,absolutely not. However, at the end of the day I am a young adult who is surrounded constantly by people within my age group. I have students who are older than me. I have dated individuals younger in the past quite a bit younger than a lot of the students at the school, as well as older individuals. I will not apologize for who I am as an individual. I do my best every day to let Jesus shine through me. Some days are harder than others, but that doesn't mean I quit trying. I am human, and I know I'm not perfect... but no one is.

I will never do anything to jeopardize my integrity or my at the school. If I ever question if something were to be appropriate i have always asked for the advice of my colleagues, and boss. I truly feel like that while some choose to believe what they wish about me, those who truly know me will know that I am always there for any and every student. Sometimes this means advocating against the administration, crying with a student who's heartbroken, or disciplining a student. My intentions are always for the best of Freed-Hardeman and for those I work for and with. When I say those I work for- understand this... yes FHU writes my paycheck, but I am VERY aware that I work in student services. Our job is to serve the students. If there were no students, we would have no reason to exist.

While my youth sometimes makes me more "compassionate" as they like to call it ... and I have been told I will grow out of it. I choose to say that it's love for where I work, and the work I do. So, if i choose to be friends with, go on a date with, or spend time with students. I am not breaking any kind of rule. I am just being human like everyone else. Yes, I have had two birthdays since I started work and so I am physically older... I have also learned that while I am growing emotionally and "growing up," I am also still learning to deal with not only the joys the students share with me, but also the pain. At the end of the day, I still am able to relate very well to the students. That is part of why I was hired- to bridge the gap between the students and the administration. Every day I pray that I am doing my best at my job, being the best possible influence i can be, make the right decisions (even when they break my heart), and to help those that I am able to. This is probably the only post I will ever make so directly about my job, but it's been on my heart, because sometimes i feel misunderstood- by lots of people on campus, not just the students. So as for the Fountain of Youth- I will take my age .. as it is... and in this particular period of my life, I am convinced that i am right where I belong.

Along the Time, the Story Never Changes

First I will go on saying that one of my all time favorite movies is Pride & Prejudice. I am not sure why this is such as a surprise, but Missie still finds this shocking. Anyway, I don't know if it happens that I just love the works of Jane Austen in particular, or if it is just this one love story.

Anyway, for the thousandth time, it seems, I am watching the movie. Here I will add that I am watching it with surround sound thanks to my wonderful father. As I am watching the movie, a sudden realization hits me. - the story line is almost a perfect corollary to the book, made into a movie, He's Just Not That Into You. Now I read the book years before it was made into a movie. Of course, when the movie came out, I went with a few of my girlfriends to see the movie.

There are many levels of odd that can be found within this blog: I would say the first and most prominent is the fact that I would enjoy such a hopelessly romantic movie such as Pride and Prejudice.

However, I shall now move on to where I see the connection. One of the overall lessons to be learned in the movie He's Just Not That Into You is This: if the guys is interested in you... he will go out of his way, put himself in fools way, and put himself out there to be either embarrassed or worse, rejected. If you happen to be watching the move Pride and Prejudice you will find that throughout the novel/movie while Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth do not seem to be "in love" with each other.... note- wherever she goes.. he always finds himself there. He is always saying something that either complicates her life, hurts her tremendously, or leaves her utterly confused. However, he is ALWAYS there. When she least expects is, he does the most outrageous thing and proposes to her.

So by thinking of the two movies as I watch one... I realize that yes. Stories of old, and stories of new- the principle is still the same. If the guy is interested..... he actually will do something to make his feelings known. If he is not.... well then it is safe to say that he is not interested, and it would be wise to move on.

I'd enjoy comments, thoughts, etc. on this particular blog. It just happened to flit through my brain while I was watching one of these movies.

Feeling

It seems that everything in life is related to feeling. Which can make sense. If who we truly are is not only our actions, but how we react to things.... then I guess feelings make the world go round. How poetic.

As children our feelings are self-taught. I guess by self-taught I mean through observance of others, books, etc. These feelings tend to be without restraint and can bring some of the most euphoric feelings, and bring a sense of pain like you literally were suffocating. If it is a heart-break that none of your friends/family have ever experienced in their life, well they can do their best to try and understand- but they never will. Raw compassion.

Society will tell us that it is right or wrong to feel a certain way; society will even tell us how we should react to a certain stimuli in order to control our reactions and feelings. Usually, the source of this was from parents, teachers, older siblings, church, etc. There is an automatic assumption that as we grow up, find love, careers, our faith, etc. that as we ultimately shape who we are and this process includes our feelings.

*At this point I will jump in and say, IN THE REAL WORLD, this rarely happens. Unfortunately in the real world children are not treated as they should, parents' love doesn't last, and by an unfortunately series of events- what should sculpt a person to learn proper feelings, is sometimes left by the wayside.

I guess the next logical thing is to think, well. I guess they will learn it in their relationships and/or careers. I would like to say as going into the career of law... feelings was not a required class. We were instructed that we were to interact with clients as a client, but not a friend. How harsh, you might say? Well, not if your defending someone on death row. Or you are in the process of a divorce with small children, affairs, etc. involved. Lawyers are taught to not deal in emotion, but in legal truth, fact, actions, and outcomes/consequences. For someone not raised in a very caring environment, you could see how this could affect the person and their personal outlook.

Anyway, I fortunately, made it through law school with a high sense of compassion for others and the ability to feel. I do have a greater respect for actions & consequences than I did before. Law school also taught us if we didn't have the ability to get rid of our sense of emotions to learn to mask them well. This is not an art I have mastered yet. In fact, unfortunately I can withhold reaction if I need to, but the emotion is written all over my face. ( Nope.... not bragging about that)

So now, I am at the point in my life where a lot of my thoughts are becoming my own. My faith, my beliefs on actions, my reactions/feelings. I almost feel more confused than when I was a child. At least when I was small, if something hurt I knew to stay away.... so as an adult shouldn't I have the same reaction? It doesn't seem that I always do. It almost seems like I am just asking to be told again... that's a bad idea. At this point, for anyone who has considered APATHY.... it's just not an option. I don't fully believe you can pray feelings away, and you can't drug ourself to apathy.. possibly a fake apathy...but you'll sober up. As much as we would like to deny a feeling we may have for someone, or position on a complicated topic....it's just not as easy to dodge as a grown-up. It leads to awkward conversations, and ultimate hurt feelings.

Where do I go from here? I guess knowing that silent tears, broken hearts, tears of joy, and love could all be in the future- both near and distant. I know that there are joyful feelings out there.... in the Bible, in family, friends, and those are the ones I am choosing to seek out.

The Guy that Drools Wins

Who wins? Really, who Wins?
After everything is said and done. Just a thoughtful reminder- once something is said, emailed, sent via text, etc. it cannot be taken back. At least not without a lot of awkward apologies, etc.

I remembered a lesson that Jesus taught to his disciples- how precious children are. I had the wonderful privilege of ending my week by rocking my sweet nephew to sleep. Yes.... it involved a lot of drool (he's teething) but there is something so wonderful and pure in the face of seeping baby that makes me want 4,5, or even 6.

So my heart has been reserved this week for a precious lil man named Gage Thomas. I cherish each moment I have with him, and I hope that he will be grow to live long, and be a wonderful Christian man. Who wins? The lil guy who drooled all over my clean silk shirt while I rocked him to sleep. :-)

I'm Just A Girl

First, let me say that anyone who is reading this, and actually knows me personally - this is not related to my work, family, or friends in any way. This post is completely about me, and who I am. I am not even sure who reads this, if anyone....

I am still in the process of determining who I am as a person. Which is probably a good idea, given the overall name of the Blog is "A Work in Progress". I feel like lately, I have been focusing so much on work, family, and friends that I have completely let myself be pushed on the back burner. Which, is not really a bad thing... unless one of your priorities for the year is to truly determine who you are.

While I was in school, I learned two major things about me: one is there is a part of me that would have made a successful lawyer. However, the part of me that would have made me so successful would end up costing me my relationship with God. That is not something that I am ever willing to give up. Second, while I am sometimes extremely awkward around people, and I am constantly saying the wrong things or just rambling nonsensical stuff..... usually in my brain it's all related. (scary huh)

This week in particular has been difficult for me. When I say difficult, I am not referring to work or anything like that. I have some excellent mentors that I work under, and I am confident that while the decisions I make at work can be unpopular and very difficult, I am always trying to be fair and do what is best for the students.

Personally, I have in the past week done something I promised myself I would never do. it involved writing something to someone. While the intentions behind it are pure, and my goal was to speak to someone else about Jesus, it brought up a lot of pain and thoughts that I have tried to avoid for the majority of my life. I know that at some point I am going to have to grow up, and as my daddy puts it "put on my big girl britches and deal with." Now, as I am single, and understand that for the time being, this is probably best for me- it seems lately, I would love for someone to actually say- I can see your hurting... let me take care of you. Hence the name of the blog... I'm just a Girl.

Being intelligent, educated, and outspoken often can lead people to believe that I as an individual have everything all together. Just a trivia fact for those curious- I almost majored in theatre. For me, it is easier to try and take care of the student population at the school I love,or my family than to admit to myself (or anyone else) that I am unhappy or hurting. This could be because no one likes to admit that they are weak.

So here it is for the entire world to read- I am unashamedly going to admit it: I am just a girl. No matter the position, the presence I give off, the authority I hold....I am still just a girl. I am terrified to talk with guys, also- I am terrified of going to the eye doctor. If you'd like a funny story- ask Missie about our recent trip to get my eyes checked. While I am slowly learning to face my fears - I do no enjoy this process one bit. I would much rather be able to write a logical memo (yes that's the lawyer in me) to explain why I am thinking the way I am, and how I feel. I don't seem to have much problem writing how I feel.... but to look someone in the eye, and say - this is how I feel about you, or what was said about a situation is painful for me... well that tends to paralyze me with fear.

So keep in mind if you know me, that while I am someone whom you may hate, tolerate, or like.... I too struggle with being human. I struggle with hurt feelings, confusion, longing to be closer to God, and wishing I had the courage to say what I meant in every circumstance, even the courage to agree to date someone instead of constantly making excuses. Instead, I have very much a flight reaction when it comes to conflict. . This surprises some people. I would rather run from my feelings of hurt and pain, or joy, and instead find a way to busy myself by helping someone else and not thinking about myself.

Yes- at some point I will keep making progress on myself. However, this week....I feel like I have not. I did write a letter that I am will have the courage to read again and ultimately put it in the mail. Composing that letter, and then letting someone else read it was one of the most painful things I have ever done in my life. I did it out of love for Jesus, and respect for a friend. I do feel as if I am stronger for writing it.... but that did not make is any less painful. I am thankful that I have a good friend of mine that developed a friendship with me over a year ago, who literally held my hand while I had to have part of the documentation appropriately signed. It is for people like him that I thank God for my blessing every day.

Resolution: although I am just a girl... I will work on facing my fears, dealing with disappointment, and work on being a better person. Even if I am just a girl.

Honesty? Avoidance? Denial? 1382 miles

Given the road, radio, and my thoughts.... I've learned that thoughts can become haunting. Especially for someone who has made the statement, "I avoid myself at all costs." Honesty seems to be a trend lately.... or lack of honesty. Either way, it has made a prevalent debut in my life lately.

Somehow, in the quiet life that I live I managed to mail my medical insurance card to Netflix. Now, I knew that I had "misplaced" it when I cracked my skull in a wreck around Thanksgiving break, and had to pay out of pocket. Two things to observe here: 1) yes.... I've had the same movies for 3 months before I found time to return them. 2) They mailed the card back to me, once I returned their movies. Amazing, huh. I never would have imagined that when Dad said he had put the mail on the countertop, I would discover something I hadn't realized I'd truly lost.

At this point, I conceded that since I had contemplated honesty for the past 10 hours on a road-trip, I should just write down my thoughts, or questions. Humans by nature are curious creatures.... we ask for answers, and then we get the truth, we avoid/deny it. Being the human I am, I pray for answers, drive hours to see answers for myself, but when honesty looks me in the face.... I run. See the conundrum?

If honesty brings joy or pain.... we are still greater for having a piece of the truth shown to us. Yes. It took me 10 hours to figure this out. And, I'm not sure that I've really figured it out. Here is what I don't understand... why as humans do we choose to deny things that while involve some risk, can end up wonderful? I guess the answer would be because they could also end up just as painful.

So this is how I end tonight......

I have managed some to come face to face with some painful truths in the past couple of days. I know I am not the only one in this predicament...so I feel compassion for those that I know who suffer and those who I don't know. What I don't understand, is why WHY is it so hard to be willing to open your eyes to the truth when the possibility of good so obviously outweighs any risk????

We are told that we will never be tested beyond what we can handle. It doesn't say we will never fear, suffer pain, question, be joyful, etc. We are told that we CAN handle what we are given.

So my hope now is that I truly believe I can handle whatever comes my way. I know I can't handle it alone, but that I will never truly be alone. I also believe that God designed woman to man's companion. So if this is one of the ways I am to be a tool for Him... then that is what I will do. We read of great men in the Bible who never had a woman to stand by his side, and we also read of women without a man at their side. I am confident that if ultimately I am meant to stand alone for the cause, then that is what I will do. This doesn't change my prayer to not only find the someone to stand by, but that I am honest with him and he is honest with me..... think of how much more quickly we can accomplish good! And until that day comes at night I pray.

What's in a Name?

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet." Juliet

First- I would like to go on record as saying, I'm NOT a fan of roses. I LOVE tulips. I would much rather be able to say the quote with Tulips place. However, I can't really go back and edit what Shakespeare wrote.

Now for my actual thoughts: what's in a name? Lately, it seems that whatever your "name" is... defines who you are. While the quote above in context is beautiful and part of a great love story.... all I hear about is "name" this and "name" that. I had a interesting conversation with someone (who happens to have a doctorate ... if we're throwing out names) earlier this week about how ridiculous I think this is.

So I am going on record right now with my thoughts on this: (and as a lawyer, we were advised to never make absolute statements.... I probably got a C in that class ) Why should a job title, a degree, a family name, etc. define who you are? What matters the most about a person is in the core of who they are. Their heart and soul. At the end of the night, before you go to sleep- what do you think of? Are you proud of your accomplishments? Who do you think of? Is there something you wish you had told someone, but didn't?

These are the things that make a person who they are. It doesn't matter if you haven't earned a degree, or have four doctorates. There are some people who have numerous degrees, etc. that I would love to remind them of this phrase, "It is better to be thought a fool and silent, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt." Abraham Lincoln. I have recently learned some very valuable lessons from students. These are the students who I am charged with keeping them in line and safe, but here they are teaching me the lessons.

Anyway, there isn't really a point to this particular blog, except that I wish people would stop seeing everyone for the position they hold, or don't..... where they work, or don't...... and just look at the person's heart. When it really does matter - in Heaven.... people aren't going to have jobs, degrees, excesses baggage, etc. It will the purest version of ourself. Why shouldn't be try and share that part of ourselves with someone worthy?

That's my rant.

Funny How Things Work Out, or Don't

At some point in a person's life there is a moment of clarity where all of the pain, suffering, challenges, joys, etc. make sense in the bigger picture. Although God has made us in His image, we are all designed with unique fingerprints, dna, personalities, and so forth that make us an autonomous being with free will. The beauty is that each person has their own moment of clarity that allows them to share something with others that quite possibly no one else in the world will understand, at that moment.

Grounded. I will be the first person to admit that this particular world has evolved in meaning for me over time. When I was in high school, and well middle school, it meant a time where privileges were revoked because of some rule I had broken. I will be honest, I spent more time grounded than ungrounded. I don't have traumatic memories of this, but they surely aren't my favorite. Today, being "grounded" has a completely different meaning.

Grounded. I tend to get so wrapped up in the moment, that I forget the bigger picture, and sometimes what side I'm even trying to advocate for. Fortunately, I have someone in my life who keeps me grounded. It's amazing how I can be so unsure of myself and the work I'm doing and after 1 hour and a cup of hot chocolate the word seems to make better sense. If I had not suffered some great pain earlier in my life when things didn't work out with the one I thought was "the one," I fully believe that the bond shared today would not be as real. Pain is something that he and I both understand. However, unlike reveling in the pain and having a pessimistic outlook, after spending an hour discussing random things, spiritual things, lessons learned and missed, I feel better than I have in a week.

Why? What on earth could sharing pain with someone, or fear, bring such a positive and hopeful feeling? I don't have the answer. Maybe it's the comfort of knowing that there is someone out there who doesn't just have compassion, but can truly understand the paralyzing fear one must overcome to admit they like someone, and forget admitting anything deeper. It could be the hope of being able to look someone in the eye and say I know that I am able to help understand your pain and questions without judgment because I've been there. And finally, sometimes it's just the comfort of knowing that there are prayers for encouragement on your behalf.

So today I was grounded. Grounded in the most beautiful form. In the midst of a hectic day where all sorts of things may not be going as planned, and my self insecurities are at their highest, for one short hour it was just he and I and the truth. It is never an intention to go for hot chocolate with someone leading to deep conversations. Most people who have been around me or very long will tell you, I'll avoid myself and my feelings at all costs. But being able to look into the brown eyes of a friend and know that I am not alone in my thinking, and the pain and fear that has led up to my insecurities are some of the foundations of our friendship

The friendship has evolved to something much more beautiful than that. It's a matter of family. I would do anything in power, and try to accomplish what is not in my powers if I knew that it could help this individual's life in any way. Why this all seems to be one sided, believe me it is not. Just listening to a guy explain how things are, and aren't in a logical rational matter that is straight honest is a rare jewel to find. Guys generally are raised to treat ladies as just that, and under no circumstances do you hurt them.

I can type a blog that tells my deepest fears and in mind as soon as I press submit, no one will ever read. It's much easier for an individual to write via, email, chat, text, etc. that things aren't going to work out. I don't necessarily think this is wrong. Each individual will know. However, there is nothing sweeter than looking a close friend/family in the eyes and being brutally honest about feelings. It doesn't mean that we are all destined to find that one person who we can tell our sorrows too- we all do- Jesus. However, some of us are lucky to have a friend who will listening to our confusion, pain, and fear without judgment. I do know that there is nothing as comforting as just being able to voice my insecurities, and instead of automatically trying to fix the problem, figure out what went wrong, etc. They listen in love and peace.

Summary- grounded. I was grounded today. I was reminded by spending 1 hour with an amazing man that I would do anything for, it helped me to realize that everything I may have considered wrong, absurd, or even foolish for putting it out there that it doesn't end at of the work day. or After church. I am so lucky to Drake as the person that keeps me grounded. To listen without patience and judgment, but to know exactly when to offer the write words, even if it's an I'll pray for you later.... It definitely works as a blessing at the end of the day.
Funny how things do won't work- whether it be the guy you were convinced you were going to marry 8 years ago, or the girl you are terrified that might just decide to run. I am grounded to know that no matter what happens, I will be taken care of. No it doesn't make the part where things don't work out with the guy "funny" but i was the closest I could come to using it in as non-serious way possible.

So thank you- for the hot chocolate, the trust, and reminder that things will always work out. I am always here for you as well. That's what families are for. I know that it can be difficult to say things to someone like "he's not interested" or "it's not like that" Families will look you in the eye and say WITH LOVE, I know this is what you want, but you need to start thinking about do I wan t wait around for this fellow or should i while waiting for the guy who will sweep me off my feet...... In the end.... It all goes back funny how things work out... or don't. I'm just glad that given time I can, and have, moved on from aspects of my life, and help others the best advice I honestly think I could.


So Here Is My Life of Things I wish students and older adults would understand. It's not about the money. It's not about the appearance, or the fear of something to going terribly wrong. You will never know the answer unless you ask. Having said all of that - TAKE THE RISK! this is one of those times that could end up great for them, or ii';Either way you are gaining experience and love that you will eventually pass along.