Feeling

It seems that everything in life is related to feeling. Which can make sense. If who we truly are is not only our actions, but how we react to things.... then I guess feelings make the world go round. How poetic.

As children our feelings are self-taught. I guess by self-taught I mean through observance of others, books, etc. These feelings tend to be without restraint and can bring some of the most euphoric feelings, and bring a sense of pain like you literally were suffocating. If it is a heart-break that none of your friends/family have ever experienced in their life, well they can do their best to try and understand- but they never will. Raw compassion.

Society will tell us that it is right or wrong to feel a certain way; society will even tell us how we should react to a certain stimuli in order to control our reactions and feelings. Usually, the source of this was from parents, teachers, older siblings, church, etc. There is an automatic assumption that as we grow up, find love, careers, our faith, etc. that as we ultimately shape who we are and this process includes our feelings.

*At this point I will jump in and say, IN THE REAL WORLD, this rarely happens. Unfortunately in the real world children are not treated as they should, parents' love doesn't last, and by an unfortunately series of events- what should sculpt a person to learn proper feelings, is sometimes left by the wayside.

I guess the next logical thing is to think, well. I guess they will learn it in their relationships and/or careers. I would like to say as going into the career of law... feelings was not a required class. We were instructed that we were to interact with clients as a client, but not a friend. How harsh, you might say? Well, not if your defending someone on death row. Or you are in the process of a divorce with small children, affairs, etc. involved. Lawyers are taught to not deal in emotion, but in legal truth, fact, actions, and outcomes/consequences. For someone not raised in a very caring environment, you could see how this could affect the person and their personal outlook.

Anyway, I fortunately, made it through law school with a high sense of compassion for others and the ability to feel. I do have a greater respect for actions & consequences than I did before. Law school also taught us if we didn't have the ability to get rid of our sense of emotions to learn to mask them well. This is not an art I have mastered yet. In fact, unfortunately I can withhold reaction if I need to, but the emotion is written all over my face. ( Nope.... not bragging about that)

So now, I am at the point in my life where a lot of my thoughts are becoming my own. My faith, my beliefs on actions, my reactions/feelings. I almost feel more confused than when I was a child. At least when I was small, if something hurt I knew to stay away.... so as an adult shouldn't I have the same reaction? It doesn't seem that I always do. It almost seems like I am just asking to be told again... that's a bad idea. At this point, for anyone who has considered APATHY.... it's just not an option. I don't fully believe you can pray feelings away, and you can't drug ourself to apathy.. possibly a fake apathy...but you'll sober up. As much as we would like to deny a feeling we may have for someone, or position on a complicated topic....it's just not as easy to dodge as a grown-up. It leads to awkward conversations, and ultimate hurt feelings.

Where do I go from here? I guess knowing that silent tears, broken hearts, tears of joy, and love could all be in the future- both near and distant. I know that there are joyful feelings out there.... in the Bible, in family, friends, and those are the ones I am choosing to seek out.