First, let me say that anyone who is reading this, and actually knows me personally - this is not related to my work, family, or friends in any way. This post is completely about me, and who I am. I am not even sure who reads this, if anyone....
I am still in the process of determining who I am as a person. Which is probably a good idea, given the overall name of the Blog is "A Work in Progress". I feel like lately, I have been focusing so much on work, family, and friends that I have completely let myself be pushed on the back burner. Which, is not really a bad thing... unless one of your priorities for the year is to truly determine who you are.
While I was in school, I learned two major things about me: one is there is a part of me that would have made a successful lawyer. However, the part of me that would have made me so successful would end up costing me my relationship with God. That is not something that I am ever willing to give up. Second, while I am sometimes extremely awkward around people, and I am constantly saying the wrong things or just rambling nonsensical stuff..... usually in my brain it's all related. (scary huh)
This week in particular has been difficult for me. When I say difficult, I am not referring to work or anything like that. I have some excellent mentors that I work under, and I am confident that while the decisions I make at work can be unpopular and very difficult, I am always trying to be fair and do what is best for the students.
Personally, I have in the past week done something I promised myself I would never do. it involved writing something to someone. While the intentions behind it are pure, and my goal was to speak to someone else about Jesus, it brought up a lot of pain and thoughts that I have tried to avoid for the majority of my life. I know that at some point I am going to have to grow up, and as my daddy puts it "put on my big girl britches and deal with." Now, as I am single, and understand that for the time being, this is probably best for me- it seems lately, I would love for someone to actually say- I can see your hurting... let me take care of you. Hence the name of the blog... I'm just a Girl.
Being intelligent, educated, and outspoken often can lead people to believe that I as an individual have everything all together. Just a trivia fact for those curious- I almost majored in theatre. For me, it is easier to try and take care of the student population at the school I love,or my family than to admit to myself (or anyone else) that I am unhappy or hurting. This could be because no one likes to admit that they are weak.
So here it is for the entire world to read- I am unashamedly going to admit it: I am just a girl. No matter the position, the presence I give off, the authority I hold....I am still just a girl. I am terrified to talk with guys, also- I am terrified of going to the eye doctor. If you'd like a funny story- ask Missie about our recent trip to get my eyes checked. While I am slowly learning to face my fears - I do no enjoy this process one bit. I would much rather be able to write a logical memo (yes that's the lawyer in me) to explain why I am thinking the way I am, and how I feel. I don't seem to have much problem writing how I feel.... but to look someone in the eye, and say - this is how I feel about you, or what was said about a situation is painful for me... well that tends to paralyze me with fear.
So keep in mind if you know me, that while I am someone whom you may hate, tolerate, or like.... I too struggle with being human. I struggle with hurt feelings, confusion, longing to be closer to God, and wishing I had the courage to say what I meant in every circumstance, even the courage to agree to date someone instead of constantly making excuses. Instead, I have very much a flight reaction when it comes to conflict. . This surprises some people. I would rather run from my feelings of hurt and pain, or joy, and instead find a way to busy myself by helping someone else and not thinking about myself.
Yes- at some point I will keep making progress on myself. However, this week....I feel like I have not. I did write a letter that I am will have the courage to read again and ultimately put it in the mail. Composing that letter, and then letting someone else read it was one of the most painful things I have ever done in my life. I did it out of love for Jesus, and respect for a friend. I do feel as if I am stronger for writing it.... but that did not make is any less painful. I am thankful that I have a good friend of mine that developed a friendship with me over a year ago, who literally held my hand while I had to have part of the documentation appropriately signed. It is for people like him that I thank God for my blessing every day.
Resolution: although I am just a girl... I will work on facing my fears, dealing with disappointment, and work on being a better person. Even if I am just a girl.
No comments:
Post a Comment