Less than Worthless-

Knowledge has been somewhat of a friend of mine over the years. When I was a small child the knowledge usually involved rules that my brother had broken or secrets and things like that. As I grew older, it became my own secrets and then ultimately matured into just random facts. I have always love to learn. If I am not challenged to think critically, or outside the box, then I usually put my cleverness up to things of mischief. This has resulted in me acquiring knowledge over the years that literally is less than worthless in the long run. While I can explain what the Siren's song is, or the origin of a word... none of it will help me when I breathe my last breath. What I would love to accomplish in life is not to acquire useless knowledge that, while it can be amusing at time, really is no legacy to leave behind. I come from an incredibly smart family. My father and mother both were educated and have taught me incredibly important life lessons. Daddy- well, he taught me how to think logically and critically.... and that no matter how many blonde moments I have, there's still hope. My mother taught me my favorite recipes, what is not acceptable to wear in public, how to act "ladylike" and how important it is to pray and thank God for my opportunities instead of whine about life. Then there's my big brother. Wow. There aren't words enough to explain what he has taught me over the years. Top three lessons: unconditional loyalty, important of creativity, and how to throw a mean right hook. When someone is asked to describe me one day I hope that they will be able to say that I passed along the wisdom of my family, friends, and most importantly the Bible. It doesn't matter if I know the lyrics to a song, or what's in fashion (not that I'd know either of those) but the origin of certain words, what is true in the law...but when asked to describe me they will say that I was able to pass along the Truth and what it means to be loved. There's a storm coming, and I can feel it. It comes in the form of a challenge to which I can only hope that I am up to the task. I have the complete support of friends and family, and the faith that with God it's possible. So why do I feel so unsure about it.... I guess because at the end of the day it's still a change- and that is always a little apprehensive. Now, if I can just manage to be prepared for the storm, find the courage to say hello to that guy I've thought about, inspire incredibleness in others, follow the Truth of God's Word, and make it to work on time... I'll say the beginnings of a list might actually be checked off. Actually, they will just result in a longer to do list. Good think I love lists! Some useless wisdom to leave the reader with: I love orange skittles the most! And remember this: Most men pursue pleasure with such breathless haste that they hurry past it. –Kierkegaard

Those Pearly Gates

Those Pearly Gates. A place where there are no tears of loneliness, or waiting for the big gesture. What a magnificent place where our entire existence is to magnify and worship our God. We are called to walk like Jesus on this Earth, and our aim to be worthy of honor.

Unfortunately we get side-tracked by this thing called humanity. Our flesh and bone literally can stop us from being able to worship God to our fullest desires; our minds riddled with thoughts of the outside world and sin fighting to win over the good in us. In reality, all that really needs to happen is for a little darkness or doubt to find its home in your heart and things can go downhill from there.

Humanity can also keep us so busy and so focused on our emotions that we forget our ultimate aim is to glorify God here on Earth. Loving someone with a desire to be loved back to the point that you forget what blessings you already have from God sidetracks us.

In order to try and grasp what Heaven must be like, I am trying to grapple with the idea of humanity. There is so much to humanity that one could never write enough about it in one setting. If I were to write about what is currently running through my brain it would be hunger, grief, pain, laughter, and desire. The paradoxical sense of that statement itself is one of the things that, to me, makes humanity so beautiful.

We are only give one shot at humanity, and I know that I have spent too much time being "in the human world" and not enough time thanking my wonderful God for allowing me the opportunity to be human. I would love to think that I am going to spend more time enjoying the blessing that I have, and caring less for the human desires that I may have that are not to God's will. I understand that this will take my entire life to try and master, and that I will never achieve it fully. I take heart in knowing that as I try and follow Jesus's footsteps I am not walking alone. For He will be there by my side the entire way. Worthy of Heaven, I am not...nor will I ever be. Ready for Heaven and a bigger calling... most definitely.

A Little Bit at a Time

Driving for 9 hours straight can definitely give a person time to think. What could have been, should have been, what could be... and sometimes you come to the realization that some things may just never be. So what if it's never meant to be? Is it what you really wanted in the first place, or is it just the idea of it. Somewhere deep in my heart it feels like it's saying just be patient, and it will come.

God's time. That is something I have not been doing so well with lately. I've spent a lot of time in prayer about it. I know that we are to pray for what we want and that our prayers will be answered in God's time. So maybe my heart just needs a xanax and I need to chill out. I keep having to remind myself that if what I am praying for I don't receive simply means that God has a much better plan out there for me. ;)

My prayer is for love. I have been truly heartbroken twice in my life. About 7 years apart, but the pain from the second reminded me a lot of the pain of the first. Fortunately, I had the wisdom that I knew it would eventually get better. It has left me a little gun shy though. I've decided that love just works in mysterious ways. Every time I think that I am done and I could just have been meant to live the single life someone new walks into my life, and I get the courage to try again.

Again, back to the driving... for the record- praying, ALWAYS good, however sometimes it's a good thing to keep your eyes on the road.

So I have been praying for love, a specific love actually, and praying that I remember things happen in God's time, It could be that this prayer is just waiting to blossom into one of the most wonderful loves I could ever experience and either one or the other is not ready. Or there could be an even more amazing love out there for me. It's so easy to type that and ready it objectively, it's another for the heart to feel it. So I guess what I'm getting at is pray that my lil bruised heart will find love and that it will happen in God's time.

Answered Prayer

I have prayed for this one thing constantly it seems like for the past 2 weeks. I just didn't know what to do about it, and I've been too scared to pray about it because I've been afraid of the answer. I finally decided that whatever the answer, it is for my own good and I just need to trust that. So I have prayed, and prayed, and prayed. I have loved 2 guys in my life. Neither of which have ended up feeling the same way about me. So I have been very reluctant to give it a try.

In fact, having a good committed friendship with a guy is difficult for me. I never know when I'm going to say the wrong thing, or if it will come across too flirty, etc. But I have this friend whom I love with all my heart, and want nothing but the best for them. The problem is I don't know if I fit into that equation. So I have been praying about this friendship, and how should I proceed. If I were to be completely honest with the individual it would change everything, but I don't know how much longer I can keep the silence and the smiles.

So in my prayer I have asked for wisdom of what to say, patience for the answer, and for what i feel like could be something amazing. Friendships have such a powerful influence on our life, and it's amazing how my life has been changed for the better because of this. if nothing else, I can add it to the many blessing that I have been given by the Lord.

I'm worried about my friend. They seem withdrawn and not really talking at all to me very much anymore. i'm not sure if this is the Lord helping to prepare me to not be a part of their life, or if something is going on. I have to think that something is going on. There was a time when we prayed together, went to church together, and were able to just spend time with each other without there being any stress. Unfortunately, those times seem like such a distant past. What I would give to have them back.

More than anything in the world, I want my friend to be right with God and happy. I can take the heartache of losing a friendship if I know that ultimately it could better their relationship with God. I pray that I could be uplifting to the individual, but something I wonder if even that is something that I can do. How can i uplift someone that I can't seem to figure out what's going on, and what I have done to hurt or offend them so bad.
So yes, I have taken the chicken way out and blogged about it instead of going to that person. I don't even know how well received I would be at this point. This isn't really a blog meant to be read, just more of my own thoughts being worked out so that I can understand what I am thinking.

Don't ya Wanna Be... Don't Ya Wanna Be

I have had an amazing trip home these past few days. I've been able to reconnect with old friends, and see some new ones. So I guess one would think they should be able to sleep at 5:30 in the morning. Wrong!!

I have no idea of what I want. I thought I did. I thought I had everything figured out, and that all I had to do was take a leap and go for it. Now, I am so confused I don't even know how to decide what I want.

Before I admitted that Tennessee was whereI belonged and it was my home, I found myself constantly comparing it to Oklahoma. Well in all fairness that's just wrong. I grew up in Oklahoma and so there will always be things there that will have my heart.

Now my heart is in Tennessee. I would like to say that it's locked up safe, but I'm pretty sure that it's in a pretty vulnerable place. I have every confidence that it will be fine. I just need to get back there and take care of it. I'm not used to leaving a piece of it behind there. It's usually here in Oklahoma with Dani, and I know it will get taken care of...she's my best friend.

So what on earth do I do? Just stay with the status quo, and stay in a happy little bubble. Or maybe take a couple of risks and potentially be crushed.

Sheesh! I remember when the hardest decision was determining which shoe went on the right foot..... life was easier then!

A lot of sugar, and a little bit of Spice!

It’s time for a change. It’s been too long of the same old song, and I’m over it. So to start with... not gonna just wait around for this to happen. I guess I’m just gonna have to go out there and make things happen for myself.

I guess what's going to be the biggest change.... you'll just have to wait around to find out!

And So I SaId It

Earlier this week, I did something that was incredibly difficult for me. By nature it takes a lot for me to open up about the way I feel, and even more so to put it writing. So what bright idea did I get? Well, let's take my erratic thoughts, put them on paper, and send them to someone whom I have barely been talking to.

I feel like that would be enough to scare anyone off. So WHY ON EARTH WOULD I DO SUCH A THING?! I guess because the older I have become the more I realize that honesty is the best policy. I would rather tell the truth and it scare someone or make them realize that it's just not meant to be. I know that honesty is a scary scary thing. I learned that lesson tonight with some new information I received. But again, I think one of the best things about being honest, is when honesty is received openly and there is a chance to face it together.

I know that no matter what happens in the next month, my family will be close by. I don't really know much beyond that, but I do know that I am loved, and that I have a great support system with my family. My only hope is that one day I can be the same support system for someone else. I have always been loyal and found those who are disloyal to not be worthy of such a relationship with me.

But what is worst of all.... silence. Silence leaves so many unanswered questions.

What IF

Everywhere I have been, every decision I've made has a little part in making me who I am today. So, while I've wondered "what if" from time to time, it's never been in a regretful way. I have often wondered how certain things would have gone if they had played out differently.

But this "what if" is mainly about what could be. What if I had the courage to make the changes that are running through my mind. And, I guess, when does it go from being a passing moment of home-sickness that will pass to a true desire for something more? I can't say that I've ever been a real big risk-taker. So for me to consider leaving something that is already great and I'm surrounded by people that I love to the unknown...well - it's terrifying to think it could be a disaster.

So, what if I had the courage to say I wish I could do something different. Or, I wish I could prove that I'm not like everyone else and that there is something different about me. Something loyal and good - just give me a chance. This past break has been an amazing one, but it's given me the time to actually think about what I want. What used to be so clearly defined in my mind of how things were going to be has just been turned upside down.

Why's It So Hard?

What is so darn hard about saying the things that we mean to say?! I can talk you in circles until neither you nor I know what the original topic of conversation was. I can't however simply say, I had fun with you. We should do that again. Or, we haven't hung out in awhile..let's do something. I guess for people to say what they mean puts yourself out there to get rejected and that's just not a risk worth taking. I know I've missed out on things because I refuse to take the risk. This is something I'd like to do better on. Think of how much fun I could have :)

I believe

I and believe are two words that can encompass such a world of thoughts, but place them side by side- suddenly "I believe" has turned into a powerful phrase.

Similar to black and white...most people either believe in something or they don't believe in it. Granted there are areas of thought that we might not know what to believe, simply out of ignorance, too much information, or laziness. Our beliefs are what define the very being of who we are.

Having that said, our beliefs are worth far more than naming any price. Depending on the nature of the belief, some are worth dying for. One of the lessons I remember being taught was how important it is to stand up for what you believe in. So why is something that seems like it would be so natural, so hard sometimes?! If beliefs are what make us who we are, and we are so willing to step aside sometimes, then who are we really?

I believe in love. Why, well sometimes I'm not sure of that...but deep down I wholeheartedly believe in love. I believe that somewhere someone is a match for you. What you do with that is complete free will. I believe that music really can help heal the heart. Music is one of those amazing phenomenons that can occasionally be life-changing. I could go into my beliefs on religion and politics...but the point of this blog is not what I believe.

It's about what I choose to do with what I believe. Lately, I can name a couple of times that I have chosen not to stand for what I believe. It really doesn't sit well with me. It's kind of like saying the words you were thinking, but you really shouldn't have said. Once the moment is passed you can't take it back. You can, however, resolve to do better next time.

That's what this blog is about, I guess, is doing better. Standing up for our beliefs is more than saying I believe, it's about knowing who you are as a person and standing firm in this. I guess this makes that one of those stepping stone blogs. A work in progress is about learning who I am. The next step in that logically is to stand for who that person is.

Here's to All Our Loved Ones

"Here is to all our loved ones, wherever they may be."

Looking up at the night sky staring at the stars, there can be no doubt that God is incredible. If He can create the sun, moon, and stars among all the other wonderful miracles of life, then how can one doubt that God has a plan for each of us. That plan may not always be a road of laughter and fond memories, but I am beginning to feel confident that the road is there for us to travel. So I am watching this movie, and it's reminding me of all the loved ones that have been in my life, are in my life, and I am sure are still to come. I guess it's about having the faith and staying on the path designed for me allowing me to meet these wonderful people that can be such a challenge.

The stars can shine through fog, clouds, and whatever tries to cover these miraculous wonders. So too does love shine through the obstacles that get in the way. Like the stars, a love that shines so true, can only be most appreciated when one takes the time to look up and see through the clouds and whatever else may try and cover up what has the potential to shine so bright.

So, Here's to all our loved ones, wherever they may be.

Time for Sleep or Reflection

I have found myself up at 4 in the morning quite a few nights now. Believe me this is not a choice. I take enough medicine to help me sleep it would probably put a normal person out for a day. Oh well. The night is a time when the brain uses the body to repair itself. I'm not quite sure how it works....either I need a lot of help, or I am doing really good. :)


I have been very blessed to have 2 friends from another country come to school here this semester. While we have been able to keep in touch via email, skype, instant chat, etc. There is nothing like being able to give them a hug and see by the look on their face how their day has been.

In self-reflection, I know that I tend to forget the importance on personal interaction with others. I have always just been okay with texting, email, etc. But the longer I am away from Oklahoma the more I realize how wrong I am. There are certain people that God brings into your life for a reason. Sometimes this can be for a short time, or a life-time. I believe with Dani, it's for a life-time. We miss out on each other's lives so much. There really aren't words to describe how badly I miss her. She is more than a friend, she's a sister to me. She has always given me the basic down to earth advice I needed, when she knew I really needed it. She also knew when a little fun was just what I needed. So I am now patiently waiting for payday so I can go visit her. I have so much to tell her and to ask her opinion on.

The beginning of this semester has been crazy busy. I have consciously tried to hang out with people more, and that has been a lot easier since the ones I have been around are truly some of the closest friends I have. I am much more comfortable around them, and so this has been a good improvement for me. For me, right now, this is the happiest I have been in a long time. I think because I will be seeing Dani soon, I've been able to spend time with the family, and catch up with some really good friends. Oh, and Mort is back inside again as an in-door/outdoor house dog. Unfortunately, after biting me, Drill Bit ran away. I have tried doing everything I can to look for him, but nothing has worked. That is something that has been not so fun lately.

Now if I could just sleep..........

Letters and Numbers

It amazes me how two number 51, or I don't feel the same, you were wrong this time, etc. It seems that wherever we go we can be haunted by these symbols and characters that follow us around. Taunting us, reminding us of our dreams, failures, almosts, and successes.

What about the number 28. While I could give you a textbook list of accomplishes and other important achievements, I still can't answer the basic question "who am I" and "what do I want to be doing"? I love my job, but my dream job is to be a missionary out in the field doing God's work. I feel like somewhere deep down inside me it's there....waiting....my potential. I just stay so overwhelmed and struggling to stay afloat that it keeps getting pushed back. So the biggest number i see is zero- which is about my confidence level these days.

So if you see me I don't necessarily answer or response it means I'm in my own little world trying to make a peace with myself that will allow me to face the world. It is much harder for some of than for others. And lately it's been a real struggle. I am not the type to talk through things, and did quite a bit of that earlier....it didn't work out so well. So please pray that this slump will go away soon. And if you know me on a more personal level.... please be patient and forgiving if it seems like I am bailing on you. It's not that I don't enjoy speaking or being with you..right now I am just haven't to work a little harder on myself for awhile.

Yes, I need help and prayers. I am not ready to talk it through yet though, so please be patient. And I know you will try to be because I am surrounded by amazing people. I just wish I could be amazing for them back.

It's A Great Day

It's been a great day. Yep. There's something about this time of year that I just love. It's hard to put into words. Usually I am able to write what I am thinking a lot easier than I am able to speak it. I've been really happy lately, and I have been trying find the reason or words to express why things have been going so great.

I have come to the conclusion that everything is what is so great. No, I'm not delusional. Yes, my life does have stress and the occasional crisis. The thing is that even during those times God has provided me with the support that I need to make it through those times. So I guess for tonight, the blog is short and sweet. Thank you God, I have been incredibly blessed.

Laughter and Intensity

I love to laugh. This is not something I have just figured out about myself, but it's a fact I thought I'd share. I'm sitting in a hotel room with the nice peace and quiet, and of course I have comedy on. I love to laugh. I have been having a conversation with a dear friend of mine about my fear of intensity. It's not like I want to run screaming from it, I'd rather just lie in a fetal position and wish the feeling away. So I'm trying to explain why I'm scared of things that are intense, when I realize that I myself and an intense person. Now, I'm incredibly laid back, but I noticed .... when I laugh- I laugh OUT LOUD. I don't know how many time I have been chided in church, before services, for laughing to loud. I dyed my hair red....bright red. So does this mean that I should be scared of myself, if I am intense?

I'd say that I've given this a lot of thought...but really I haven't. One thought just randomly led to the next. =)

So I guess the lessons to be learned from this blog
1. No mom, I'm not sorry, and I will continue to laugh loud
2. Yes, if you are intense... I may just shy away from you- or just sprint away as fast as I can.
3. Note how I mentioned the red hair..... I sure do wish I still had red hair.... I'm much better at feisty red head than bubbly blonde.

Now that your intelligence has dropped for reading this- have a great night!

True Love lyrics

Thanks to the one who suggested this song. It's amazing :)


True Love - SOJA

Just like the land that bear the name Africa,
Love is on my mind.
It’s for everyone no matter where you’re from,
Love, it cross all lines.
Like the feeling of all the seasons changing,
Love is a memory
And in these last days, when iniquity blazing,
Truth Love Speaks.

Chorus:I need true love
Do you know what you mean to me
Does it show as I live and I breath
In the valley of the shadow, I know you’ll be.
I defense, I conquer death
I conquer the enemy (envy).

What is love really if it only affects, one aspect of life?
That’s like a musician who only accepts, his own musical type.
That’s like a preacher who only respects sunday morning, and not
saturday night
That’s how a soldier can come to reflect,
that Love is more than a man and a wife.

In a time of plenty, Jah gonna keep I strong.
Things get how and I keep cool, yeah,
Jah gonna keep me strong.
When InI cup is empty,
Jah gonna keep I strong.
When InI cup is full, yeah,
Jah keep I from their temptation.

Happiness & Peace

The past 24 hours I have reflected on my blessings. Usually Thanksgiving is the day that people blog about their blessings, but I wasn't around the internet then.

Over the break I was finally able to go back to Oklahoma and spend some much needed time with my best friends back home. We laughed and had all kinds of fun. It was so nice to finally be able to spend a full weekend with them. I get tempted every few months into moving back to Oklahoma. It's not that I don't love my job, and the people that I am around- it's just that I still get homesick. Anyway, hopefully I will be making my way back down there soon. =)

I then got to go to South Carolina with some Amazing people. I was given the opportunity to travel to an area I had never been and observe God's amazing creation. The week allowed me to cook for others (which was great since cooking is a passion of mine), spend time getting to know the people I was with, and getting some much needed rest. South Carolina is a beautiful place, and I would recommend everyone to go there if they have the opportunity.

Since I have been back, I have been able to see some of my family and talk to with a friend I hadn't spoken to in what seemed like forever.

Even though I know God is almighty, I am still awed by the abundance of blessings that He has shown me lately. I am forever grateful for this. It brings an inner peace and happiness. As amazing as things are now, I can't imagine how wonderful it will be when I am with Him one day in Heaven.

Prayers for Classmate =/

This is a message I just received from a high school classmate. If you read this, please pray for E.J. and his family.


Hello everyone, just wanted to let all know that I had the misfortune of working an accident on one of our classmates today, EJ Grant. He was banged up pretty bad. Broken leg, hip, sternum, knee cap as well as having a collapsed lung. No head bleed. He was air lifted from the scene to Parkland Hosptial in Dallas. He went into surgery for his leg and has since came out and is doing good. He has a chest tube in for the lung. He is intubated because he is heavily sedated. He has responded to people so that is a great sign. I will be going to see him tomorrow, Monday the 29th. He has a long road to recovery. The doctor has said that he may not be back home before Christmas. Please pray hard for him and his family as they fight through this.

Transparency

Some say the eyes are the window to the soul. i know you can tell a lot about a person when you look in their eyes, but I never realized just how much they can give you away. For example, my eyes turn blue when I am extremely sad and crying... no idea why.

I generally would consider myself to be a guarded person. It is something of a survival trait that I have learned with my past. So I find it equally fascinating and disconcerting when someone is able to make an observation about part of you and your life that you thought had been guarded so safely.

A dear friend reassured me today that it was actually okay to let your guard down every once in a while. I think deep in my heart she might be right. I just don't have all the answers, well I don't have any answers, when it comes to this. That's not a situation that I want to be in. I like to at least have an idea of what the answers are going to be.

So after a lot of rambling here is what I have learned. Unlike my previous thoughts...while I may try to guard myself- there are people who have the ability to make observations about me that I am not sure I am even ready to face.

Loss

Unexpected loss. Since July, this has been a reoccurring theme in my world. In less than a minute I can think of 6 deaths and 2 near deaths that have happened. Add to this pain of losing a great friend, but knowing they're around the corner. This is a recipe for some pretty low times, and prayer. Lots of prayer.

I won't dwell much on the this blog, but here are some things I learned:

1. Lean on God.... when it feels like you can't breathe... lean on God

2. Seeing someone in pain from loss can open yours eyes to a love that you didn't know was there. This can leave you promising they will never have to go through that pain again alone.

3. Miles mean nothing when someone needs a friend

4. You can't always been in 2 places at once

5. Words will never comfort a loss appropriately

6. Life goes on... when you think you'll never smile again- the rain stops.