First I will go on saying that one of my all time favorite movies is Pride & Prejudice. I am not sure why this is such as a surprise, but Missie still finds this shocking. Anyway, I don't know if it happens that I just love the works of Jane Austen in particular, or if it is just this one love story.
Anyway, for the thousandth time, it seems, I am watching the movie. Here I will add that I am watching it with surround sound thanks to my wonderful father. As I am watching the movie, a sudden realization hits me. - the story line is almost a perfect corollary to the book, made into a movie, He's Just Not That Into You. Now I read the book years before it was made into a movie. Of course, when the movie came out, I went with a few of my girlfriends to see the movie.
There are many levels of odd that can be found within this blog: I would say the first and most prominent is the fact that I would enjoy such a hopelessly romantic movie such as Pride and Prejudice.
However, I shall now move on to where I see the connection. One of the overall lessons to be learned in the movie He's Just Not That Into You is This: if the guys is interested in you... he will go out of his way, put himself in fools way, and put himself out there to be either embarrassed or worse, rejected. If you happen to be watching the move Pride and Prejudice you will find that throughout the novel/movie while Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth do not seem to be "in love" with each other.... note- wherever she goes.. he always finds himself there. He is always saying something that either complicates her life, hurts her tremendously, or leaves her utterly confused. However, he is ALWAYS there. When she least expects is, he does the most outrageous thing and proposes to her.
So by thinking of the two movies as I watch one... I realize that yes. Stories of old, and stories of new- the principle is still the same. If the guy is interested..... he actually will do something to make his feelings known. If he is not.... well then it is safe to say that he is not interested, and it would be wise to move on.
I'd enjoy comments, thoughts, etc. on this particular blog. It just happened to flit through my brain while I was watching one of these movies.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Feeling
It seems that everything in life is related to feeling. Which can make sense. If who we truly are is not only our actions, but how we react to things.... then I guess feelings make the world go round. How poetic.
As children our feelings are self-taught. I guess by self-taught I mean through observance of others, books, etc. These feelings tend to be without restraint and can bring some of the most euphoric feelings, and bring a sense of pain like you literally were suffocating. If it is a heart-break that none of your friends/family have ever experienced in their life, well they can do their best to try and understand- but they never will. Raw compassion.
Society will tell us that it is right or wrong to feel a certain way; society will even tell us how we should react to a certain stimuli in order to control our reactions and feelings. Usually, the source of this was from parents, teachers, older siblings, church, etc. There is an automatic assumption that as we grow up, find love, careers, our faith, etc. that as we ultimately shape who we are and this process includes our feelings.
*At this point I will jump in and say, IN THE REAL WORLD, this rarely happens. Unfortunately in the real world children are not treated as they should, parents' love doesn't last, and by an unfortunately series of events- what should sculpt a person to learn proper feelings, is sometimes left by the wayside.
I guess the next logical thing is to think, well. I guess they will learn it in their relationships and/or careers. I would like to say as going into the career of law... feelings was not a required class. We were instructed that we were to interact with clients as a client, but not a friend. How harsh, you might say? Well, not if your defending someone on death row. Or you are in the process of a divorce with small children, affairs, etc. involved. Lawyers are taught to not deal in emotion, but in legal truth, fact, actions, and outcomes/consequences. For someone not raised in a very caring environment, you could see how this could affect the person and their personal outlook.
Anyway, I fortunately, made it through law school with a high sense of compassion for others and the ability to feel. I do have a greater respect for actions & consequences than I did before. Law school also taught us if we didn't have the ability to get rid of our sense of emotions to learn to mask them well. This is not an art I have mastered yet. In fact, unfortunately I can withhold reaction if I need to, but the emotion is written all over my face. ( Nope.... not bragging about that)
So now, I am at the point in my life where a lot of my thoughts are becoming my own. My faith, my beliefs on actions, my reactions/feelings. I almost feel more confused than when I was a child. At least when I was small, if something hurt I knew to stay away.... so as an adult shouldn't I have the same reaction? It doesn't seem that I always do. It almost seems like I am just asking to be told again... that's a bad idea. At this point, for anyone who has considered APATHY.... it's just not an option. I don't fully believe you can pray feelings away, and you can't drug ourself to apathy.. possibly a fake apathy...but you'll sober up. As much as we would like to deny a feeling we may have for someone, or position on a complicated topic....it's just not as easy to dodge as a grown-up. It leads to awkward conversations, and ultimate hurt feelings.
Where do I go from here? I guess knowing that silent tears, broken hearts, tears of joy, and love could all be in the future- both near and distant. I know that there are joyful feelings out there.... in the Bible, in family, friends, and those are the ones I am choosing to seek out.
As children our feelings are self-taught. I guess by self-taught I mean through observance of others, books, etc. These feelings tend to be without restraint and can bring some of the most euphoric feelings, and bring a sense of pain like you literally were suffocating. If it is a heart-break that none of your friends/family have ever experienced in their life, well they can do their best to try and understand- but they never will. Raw compassion.
Society will tell us that it is right or wrong to feel a certain way; society will even tell us how we should react to a certain stimuli in order to control our reactions and feelings. Usually, the source of this was from parents, teachers, older siblings, church, etc. There is an automatic assumption that as we grow up, find love, careers, our faith, etc. that as we ultimately shape who we are and this process includes our feelings.
*At this point I will jump in and say, IN THE REAL WORLD, this rarely happens. Unfortunately in the real world children are not treated as they should, parents' love doesn't last, and by an unfortunately series of events- what should sculpt a person to learn proper feelings, is sometimes left by the wayside.
I guess the next logical thing is to think, well. I guess they will learn it in their relationships and/or careers. I would like to say as going into the career of law... feelings was not a required class. We were instructed that we were to interact with clients as a client, but not a friend. How harsh, you might say? Well, not if your defending someone on death row. Or you are in the process of a divorce with small children, affairs, etc. involved. Lawyers are taught to not deal in emotion, but in legal truth, fact, actions, and outcomes/consequences. For someone not raised in a very caring environment, you could see how this could affect the person and their personal outlook.
Anyway, I fortunately, made it through law school with a high sense of compassion for others and the ability to feel. I do have a greater respect for actions & consequences than I did before. Law school also taught us if we didn't have the ability to get rid of our sense of emotions to learn to mask them well. This is not an art I have mastered yet. In fact, unfortunately I can withhold reaction if I need to, but the emotion is written all over my face. ( Nope.... not bragging about that)
So now, I am at the point in my life where a lot of my thoughts are becoming my own. My faith, my beliefs on actions, my reactions/feelings. I almost feel more confused than when I was a child. At least when I was small, if something hurt I knew to stay away.... so as an adult shouldn't I have the same reaction? It doesn't seem that I always do. It almost seems like I am just asking to be told again... that's a bad idea. At this point, for anyone who has considered APATHY.... it's just not an option. I don't fully believe you can pray feelings away, and you can't drug ourself to apathy.. possibly a fake apathy...but you'll sober up. As much as we would like to deny a feeling we may have for someone, or position on a complicated topic....it's just not as easy to dodge as a grown-up. It leads to awkward conversations, and ultimate hurt feelings.
Where do I go from here? I guess knowing that silent tears, broken hearts, tears of joy, and love could all be in the future- both near and distant. I know that there are joyful feelings out there.... in the Bible, in family, friends, and those are the ones I am choosing to seek out.
Friday, February 26, 2010
The Guy that Drools Wins
Who wins? Really, who Wins?
After everything is said and done. Just a thoughtful reminder- once something is said, emailed, sent via text, etc. it cannot be taken back. At least not without a lot of awkward apologies, etc.
I remembered a lesson that Jesus taught to his disciples- how precious children are. I had the wonderful privilege of ending my week by rocking my sweet nephew to sleep. Yes.... it involved a lot of drool (he's teething) but there is something so wonderful and pure in the face of seeping baby that makes me want 4,5, or even 6.
So my heart has been reserved this week for a precious lil man named Gage Thomas. I cherish each moment I have with him, and I hope that he will be grow to live long, and be a wonderful Christian man. Who wins? The lil guy who drooled all over my clean silk shirt while I rocked him to sleep. :-)
After everything is said and done. Just a thoughtful reminder- once something is said, emailed, sent via text, etc. it cannot be taken back. At least not without a lot of awkward apologies, etc.
I remembered a lesson that Jesus taught to his disciples- how precious children are. I had the wonderful privilege of ending my week by rocking my sweet nephew to sleep. Yes.... it involved a lot of drool (he's teething) but there is something so wonderful and pure in the face of seeping baby that makes me want 4,5, or even 6.
So my heart has been reserved this week for a precious lil man named Gage Thomas. I cherish each moment I have with him, and I hope that he will be grow to live long, and be a wonderful Christian man. Who wins? The lil guy who drooled all over my clean silk shirt while I rocked him to sleep. :-)
I'm Just A Girl
First, let me say that anyone who is reading this, and actually knows me personally - this is not related to my work, family, or friends in any way. This post is completely about me, and who I am. I am not even sure who reads this, if anyone....
I am still in the process of determining who I am as a person. Which is probably a good idea, given the overall name of the Blog is "A Work in Progress". I feel like lately, I have been focusing so much on work, family, and friends that I have completely let myself be pushed on the back burner. Which, is not really a bad thing... unless one of your priorities for the year is to truly determine who you are.
While I was in school, I learned two major things about me: one is there is a part of me that would have made a successful lawyer. However, the part of me that would have made me so successful would end up costing me my relationship with God. That is not something that I am ever willing to give up. Second, while I am sometimes extremely awkward around people, and I am constantly saying the wrong things or just rambling nonsensical stuff..... usually in my brain it's all related. (scary huh)
This week in particular has been difficult for me. When I say difficult, I am not referring to work or anything like that. I have some excellent mentors that I work under, and I am confident that while the decisions I make at work can be unpopular and very difficult, I am always trying to be fair and do what is best for the students.
Personally, I have in the past week done something I promised myself I would never do. it involved writing something to someone. While the intentions behind it are pure, and my goal was to speak to someone else about Jesus, it brought up a lot of pain and thoughts that I have tried to avoid for the majority of my life. I know that at some point I am going to have to grow up, and as my daddy puts it "put on my big girl britches and deal with." Now, as I am single, and understand that for the time being, this is probably best for me- it seems lately, I would love for someone to actually say- I can see your hurting... let me take care of you. Hence the name of the blog... I'm just a Girl.
Being intelligent, educated, and outspoken often can lead people to believe that I as an individual have everything all together. Just a trivia fact for those curious- I almost majored in theatre. For me, it is easier to try and take care of the student population at the school I love,or my family than to admit to myself (or anyone else) that I am unhappy or hurting. This could be because no one likes to admit that they are weak.
So here it is for the entire world to read- I am unashamedly going to admit it: I am just a girl. No matter the position, the presence I give off, the authority I hold....I am still just a girl. I am terrified to talk with guys, also- I am terrified of going to the eye doctor. If you'd like a funny story- ask Missie about our recent trip to get my eyes checked. While I am slowly learning to face my fears - I do no enjoy this process one bit. I would much rather be able to write a logical memo (yes that's the lawyer in me) to explain why I am thinking the way I am, and how I feel. I don't seem to have much problem writing how I feel.... but to look someone in the eye, and say - this is how I feel about you, or what was said about a situation is painful for me... well that tends to paralyze me with fear.
So keep in mind if you know me, that while I am someone whom you may hate, tolerate, or like.... I too struggle with being human. I struggle with hurt feelings, confusion, longing to be closer to God, and wishing I had the courage to say what I meant in every circumstance, even the courage to agree to date someone instead of constantly making excuses. Instead, I have very much a flight reaction when it comes to conflict. . This surprises some people. I would rather run from my feelings of hurt and pain, or joy, and instead find a way to busy myself by helping someone else and not thinking about myself.
Yes- at some point I will keep making progress on myself. However, this week....I feel like I have not. I did write a letter that I am will have the courage to read again and ultimately put it in the mail. Composing that letter, and then letting someone else read it was one of the most painful things I have ever done in my life. I did it out of love for Jesus, and respect for a friend. I do feel as if I am stronger for writing it.... but that did not make is any less painful. I am thankful that I have a good friend of mine that developed a friendship with me over a year ago, who literally held my hand while I had to have part of the documentation appropriately signed. It is for people like him that I thank God for my blessing every day.
Resolution: although I am just a girl... I will work on facing my fears, dealing with disappointment, and work on being a better person. Even if I am just a girl.
I am still in the process of determining who I am as a person. Which is probably a good idea, given the overall name of the Blog is "A Work in Progress". I feel like lately, I have been focusing so much on work, family, and friends that I have completely let myself be pushed on the back burner. Which, is not really a bad thing... unless one of your priorities for the year is to truly determine who you are.
While I was in school, I learned two major things about me: one is there is a part of me that would have made a successful lawyer. However, the part of me that would have made me so successful would end up costing me my relationship with God. That is not something that I am ever willing to give up. Second, while I am sometimes extremely awkward around people, and I am constantly saying the wrong things or just rambling nonsensical stuff..... usually in my brain it's all related. (scary huh)
This week in particular has been difficult for me. When I say difficult, I am not referring to work or anything like that. I have some excellent mentors that I work under, and I am confident that while the decisions I make at work can be unpopular and very difficult, I am always trying to be fair and do what is best for the students.
Personally, I have in the past week done something I promised myself I would never do. it involved writing something to someone. While the intentions behind it are pure, and my goal was to speak to someone else about Jesus, it brought up a lot of pain and thoughts that I have tried to avoid for the majority of my life. I know that at some point I am going to have to grow up, and as my daddy puts it "put on my big girl britches and deal with." Now, as I am single, and understand that for the time being, this is probably best for me- it seems lately, I would love for someone to actually say- I can see your hurting... let me take care of you. Hence the name of the blog... I'm just a Girl.
Being intelligent, educated, and outspoken often can lead people to believe that I as an individual have everything all together. Just a trivia fact for those curious- I almost majored in theatre. For me, it is easier to try and take care of the student population at the school I love,or my family than to admit to myself (or anyone else) that I am unhappy or hurting. This could be because no one likes to admit that they are weak.
So here it is for the entire world to read- I am unashamedly going to admit it: I am just a girl. No matter the position, the presence I give off, the authority I hold....I am still just a girl. I am terrified to talk with guys, also- I am terrified of going to the eye doctor. If you'd like a funny story- ask Missie about our recent trip to get my eyes checked. While I am slowly learning to face my fears - I do no enjoy this process one bit. I would much rather be able to write a logical memo (yes that's the lawyer in me) to explain why I am thinking the way I am, and how I feel. I don't seem to have much problem writing how I feel.... but to look someone in the eye, and say - this is how I feel about you, or what was said about a situation is painful for me... well that tends to paralyze me with fear.
So keep in mind if you know me, that while I am someone whom you may hate, tolerate, or like.... I too struggle with being human. I struggle with hurt feelings, confusion, longing to be closer to God, and wishing I had the courage to say what I meant in every circumstance, even the courage to agree to date someone instead of constantly making excuses. Instead, I have very much a flight reaction when it comes to conflict. . This surprises some people. I would rather run from my feelings of hurt and pain, or joy, and instead find a way to busy myself by helping someone else and not thinking about myself.
Yes- at some point I will keep making progress on myself. However, this week....I feel like I have not. I did write a letter that I am will have the courage to read again and ultimately put it in the mail. Composing that letter, and then letting someone else read it was one of the most painful things I have ever done in my life. I did it out of love for Jesus, and respect for a friend. I do feel as if I am stronger for writing it.... but that did not make is any less painful. I am thankful that I have a good friend of mine that developed a friendship with me over a year ago, who literally held my hand while I had to have part of the documentation appropriately signed. It is for people like him that I thank God for my blessing every day.
Resolution: although I am just a girl... I will work on facing my fears, dealing with disappointment, and work on being a better person. Even if I am just a girl.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Honesty? Avoidance? Denial? 1382 miles
Given the road, radio, and my thoughts.... I've learned that thoughts can become haunting. Especially for someone who has made the statement, "I avoid myself at all costs." Honesty seems to be a trend lately.... or lack of honesty. Either way, it has made a prevalent debut in my life lately.
Somehow, in the quiet life that I live I managed to mail my medical insurance card to Netflix. Now, I knew that I had "misplaced" it when I cracked my skull in a wreck around Thanksgiving break, and had to pay out of pocket. Two things to observe here: 1) yes.... I've had the same movies for 3 months before I found time to return them. 2) They mailed the card back to me, once I returned their movies. Amazing, huh. I never would have imagined that when Dad said he had put the mail on the countertop, I would discover something I hadn't realized I'd truly lost.
At this point, I conceded that since I had contemplated honesty for the past 10 hours on a road-trip, I should just write down my thoughts, or questions. Humans by nature are curious creatures.... we ask for answers, and then we get the truth, we avoid/deny it. Being the human I am, I pray for answers, drive hours to see answers for myself, but when honesty looks me in the face.... I run. See the conundrum?
If honesty brings joy or pain.... we are still greater for having a piece of the truth shown to us. Yes. It took me 10 hours to figure this out. And, I'm not sure that I've really figured it out. Here is what I don't understand... why as humans do we choose to deny things that while involve some risk, can end up wonderful? I guess the answer would be because they could also end up just as painful.
So this is how I end tonight......
I have managed some to come face to face with some painful truths in the past couple of days. I know I am not the only one in this predicament...so I feel compassion for those that I know who suffer and those who I don't know. What I don't understand, is why WHY is it so hard to be willing to open your eyes to the truth when the possibility of good so obviously outweighs any risk????
We are told that we will never be tested beyond what we can handle. It doesn't say we will never fear, suffer pain, question, be joyful, etc. We are told that we CAN handle what we are given.
So my hope now is that I truly believe I can handle whatever comes my way. I know I can't handle it alone, but that I will never truly be alone. I also believe that God designed woman to man's companion. So if this is one of the ways I am to be a tool for Him... then that is what I will do. We read of great men in the Bible who never had a woman to stand by his side, and we also read of women without a man at their side. I am confident that if ultimately I am meant to stand alone for the cause, then that is what I will do. This doesn't change my prayer to not only find the someone to stand by, but that I am honest with him and he is honest with me..... think of how much more quickly we can accomplish good! And until that day comes at night I pray.
Somehow, in the quiet life that I live I managed to mail my medical insurance card to Netflix. Now, I knew that I had "misplaced" it when I cracked my skull in a wreck around Thanksgiving break, and had to pay out of pocket. Two things to observe here: 1) yes.... I've had the same movies for 3 months before I found time to return them. 2) They mailed the card back to me, once I returned their movies. Amazing, huh. I never would have imagined that when Dad said he had put the mail on the countertop, I would discover something I hadn't realized I'd truly lost.
At this point, I conceded that since I had contemplated honesty for the past 10 hours on a road-trip, I should just write down my thoughts, or questions. Humans by nature are curious creatures.... we ask for answers, and then we get the truth, we avoid/deny it. Being the human I am, I pray for answers, drive hours to see answers for myself, but when honesty looks me in the face.... I run. See the conundrum?
If honesty brings joy or pain.... we are still greater for having a piece of the truth shown to us. Yes. It took me 10 hours to figure this out. And, I'm not sure that I've really figured it out. Here is what I don't understand... why as humans do we choose to deny things that while involve some risk, can end up wonderful? I guess the answer would be because they could also end up just as painful.
So this is how I end tonight......
I have managed some to come face to face with some painful truths in the past couple of days. I know I am not the only one in this predicament...so I feel compassion for those that I know who suffer and those who I don't know. What I don't understand, is why WHY is it so hard to be willing to open your eyes to the truth when the possibility of good so obviously outweighs any risk????
We are told that we will never be tested beyond what we can handle. It doesn't say we will never fear, suffer pain, question, be joyful, etc. We are told that we CAN handle what we are given.
So my hope now is that I truly believe I can handle whatever comes my way. I know I can't handle it alone, but that I will never truly be alone. I also believe that God designed woman to man's companion. So if this is one of the ways I am to be a tool for Him... then that is what I will do. We read of great men in the Bible who never had a woman to stand by his side, and we also read of women without a man at their side. I am confident that if ultimately I am meant to stand alone for the cause, then that is what I will do. This doesn't change my prayer to not only find the someone to stand by, but that I am honest with him and he is honest with me..... think of how much more quickly we can accomplish good! And until that day comes at night I pray.
Friday, February 19, 2010
What's in a Name?
"What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet." Juliet
First- I would like to go on record as saying, I'm NOT a fan of roses. I LOVE tulips. I would much rather be able to say the quote with Tulips place. However, I can't really go back and edit what Shakespeare wrote.
Now for my actual thoughts: what's in a name? Lately, it seems that whatever your "name" is... defines who you are. While the quote above in context is beautiful and part of a great love story.... all I hear about is "name" this and "name" that. I had a interesting conversation with someone (who happens to have a doctorate ... if we're throwing out names) earlier this week about how ridiculous I think this is.
So I am going on record right now with my thoughts on this: (and as a lawyer, we were advised to never make absolute statements.... I probably got a C in that class ) Why should a job title, a degree, a family name, etc. define who you are? What matters the most about a person is in the core of who they are. Their heart and soul. At the end of the night, before you go to sleep- what do you think of? Are you proud of your accomplishments? Who do you think of? Is there something you wish you had told someone, but didn't?
These are the things that make a person who they are. It doesn't matter if you haven't earned a degree, or have four doctorates. There are some people who have numerous degrees, etc. that I would love to remind them of this phrase, "It is better to be thought a fool and silent, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt." Abraham Lincoln. I have recently learned some very valuable lessons from students. These are the students who I am charged with keeping them in line and safe, but here they are teaching me the lessons.
Anyway, there isn't really a point to this particular blog, except that I wish people would stop seeing everyone for the position they hold, or don't..... where they work, or don't...... and just look at the person's heart. When it really does matter - in Heaven.... people aren't going to have jobs, degrees, excesses baggage, etc. It will the purest version of ourself. Why shouldn't be try and share that part of ourselves with someone worthy?
That's my rant.
By any other name would smell as sweet." Juliet
First- I would like to go on record as saying, I'm NOT a fan of roses. I LOVE tulips. I would much rather be able to say the quote with Tulips place. However, I can't really go back and edit what Shakespeare wrote.
Now for my actual thoughts: what's in a name? Lately, it seems that whatever your "name" is... defines who you are. While the quote above in context is beautiful and part of a great love story.... all I hear about is "name" this and "name" that. I had a interesting conversation with someone (who happens to have a doctorate ... if we're throwing out names) earlier this week about how ridiculous I think this is.
So I am going on record right now with my thoughts on this: (and as a lawyer, we were advised to never make absolute statements.... I probably got a C in that class ) Why should a job title, a degree, a family name, etc. define who you are? What matters the most about a person is in the core of who they are. Their heart and soul. At the end of the night, before you go to sleep- what do you think of? Are you proud of your accomplishments? Who do you think of? Is there something you wish you had told someone, but didn't?
These are the things that make a person who they are. It doesn't matter if you haven't earned a degree, or have four doctorates. There are some people who have numerous degrees, etc. that I would love to remind them of this phrase, "It is better to be thought a fool and silent, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt." Abraham Lincoln. I have recently learned some very valuable lessons from students. These are the students who I am charged with keeping them in line and safe, but here they are teaching me the lessons.
Anyway, there isn't really a point to this particular blog, except that I wish people would stop seeing everyone for the position they hold, or don't..... where they work, or don't...... and just look at the person's heart. When it really does matter - in Heaven.... people aren't going to have jobs, degrees, excesses baggage, etc. It will the purest version of ourself. Why shouldn't be try and share that part of ourselves with someone worthy?
That's my rant.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Funny How Things Work Out, or Don't
At some point in a person's life there is a moment of clarity where all of the pain, suffering, challenges, joys, etc. make sense in the bigger picture. Although God has made us in His image, we are all designed with unique fingerprints, dna, personalities, and so forth that make us an autonomous being with free will. The beauty is that each person has their own moment of clarity that allows them to share something with others that quite possibly no one else in the world will understand, at that moment.
Grounded. I will be the first person to admit that this particular world has evolved in meaning for me over time. When I was in high school, and well middle school, it meant a time where privileges were revoked because of some rule I had broken. I will be honest, I spent more time grounded than ungrounded. I don't have traumatic memories of this, but they surely aren't my favorite. Today, being "grounded" has a completely different meaning.
Grounded. I tend to get so wrapped up in the moment, that I forget the bigger picture, and sometimes what side I'm even trying to advocate for. Fortunately, I have someone in my life who keeps me grounded. It's amazing how I can be so unsure of myself and the work I'm doing and after 1 hour and a cup of hot chocolate the word seems to make better sense. If I had not suffered some great pain earlier in my life when things didn't work out with the one I thought was "the one," I fully believe that the bond shared today would not be as real. Pain is something that he and I both understand. However, unlike reveling in the pain and having a pessimistic outlook, after spending an hour discussing random things, spiritual things, lessons learned and missed, I feel better than I have in a week.
Why? What on earth could sharing pain with someone, or fear, bring such a positive and hopeful feeling? I don't have the answer. Maybe it's the comfort of knowing that there is someone out there who doesn't just have compassion, but can truly understand the paralyzing fear one must overcome to admit they like someone, and forget admitting anything deeper. It could be the hope of being able to look someone in the eye and say I know that I am able to help understand your pain and questions without judgment because I've been there. And finally, sometimes it's just the comfort of knowing that there are prayers for encouragement on your behalf.
So today I was grounded. Grounded in the most beautiful form. In the midst of a hectic day where all sorts of things may not be going as planned, and my self insecurities are at their highest, for one short hour it was just he and I and the truth. It is never an intention to go for hot chocolate with someone leading to deep conversations. Most people who have been around me or very long will tell you, I'll avoid myself and my feelings at all costs. But being able to look into the brown eyes of a friend and know that I am not alone in my thinking, and the pain and fear that has led up to my insecurities are some of the foundations of our friendship
The friendship has evolved to something much more beautiful than that. It's a matter of family. I would do anything in power, and try to accomplish what is not in my powers if I knew that it could help this individual's life in any way. Why this all seems to be one sided, believe me it is not. Just listening to a guy explain how things are, and aren't in a logical rational matter that is straight honest is a rare jewel to find. Guys generally are raised to treat ladies as just that, and under no circumstances do you hurt them.
I can type a blog that tells my deepest fears and in mind as soon as I press submit, no one will ever read. It's much easier for an individual to write via, email, chat, text, etc. that things aren't going to work out. I don't necessarily think this is wrong. Each individual will know. However, there is nothing sweeter than looking a close friend/family in the eyes and being brutally honest about feelings. It doesn't mean that we are all destined to find that one person who we can tell our sorrows too- we all do- Jesus. However, some of us are lucky to have a friend who will listening to our confusion, pain, and fear without judgment. I do know that there is nothing as comforting as just being able to voice my insecurities, and instead of automatically trying to fix the problem, figure out what went wrong, etc. They listen in love and peace.
Summary- grounded. I was grounded today. I was reminded by spending 1 hour with an amazing man that I would do anything for, it helped me to realize that everything I may have considered wrong, absurd, or even foolish for putting it out there that it doesn't end at of the work day. or After church. I am so lucky to Drake as the person that keeps me grounded. To listen without patience and judgment, but to know exactly when to offer the write words, even if it's an I'll pray for you later.... It definitely works as a blessing at the end of the day.
Funny how things do won't work- whether it be the guy you were convinced you were going to marry 8 years ago, or the girl you are terrified that might just decide to run. I am grounded to know that no matter what happens, I will be taken care of. No it doesn't make the part where things don't work out with the guy "funny" but i was the closest I could come to using it in as non-serious way possible.
So thank you- for the hot chocolate, the trust, and reminder that things will always work out. I am always here for you as well. That's what families are for. I know that it can be difficult to say things to someone like "he's not interested" or "it's not like that" Families will look you in the eye and say WITH LOVE, I know this is what you want, but you need to start thinking about do I wan t wait around for this fellow or should i while waiting for the guy who will sweep me off my feet...... In the end.... It all goes back funny how things work out... or don't. I'm just glad that given time I can, and have, moved on from aspects of my life, and help others the best advice I honestly think I could.
So Here Is My Life of Things I wish students and older adults would understand. It's not about the money. It's not about the appearance, or the fear of something to going terribly wrong. You will never know the answer unless you ask. Having said all of that - TAKE THE RISK! this is one of those times that could end up great for them, or ii';Either way you are gaining experience and love that you will eventually pass along.
Grounded. I will be the first person to admit that this particular world has evolved in meaning for me over time. When I was in high school, and well middle school, it meant a time where privileges were revoked because of some rule I had broken. I will be honest, I spent more time grounded than ungrounded. I don't have traumatic memories of this, but they surely aren't my favorite. Today, being "grounded" has a completely different meaning.
Grounded. I tend to get so wrapped up in the moment, that I forget the bigger picture, and sometimes what side I'm even trying to advocate for. Fortunately, I have someone in my life who keeps me grounded. It's amazing how I can be so unsure of myself and the work I'm doing and after 1 hour and a cup of hot chocolate the word seems to make better sense. If I had not suffered some great pain earlier in my life when things didn't work out with the one I thought was "the one," I fully believe that the bond shared today would not be as real. Pain is something that he and I both understand. However, unlike reveling in the pain and having a pessimistic outlook, after spending an hour discussing random things, spiritual things, lessons learned and missed, I feel better than I have in a week.
Why? What on earth could sharing pain with someone, or fear, bring such a positive and hopeful feeling? I don't have the answer. Maybe it's the comfort of knowing that there is someone out there who doesn't just have compassion, but can truly understand the paralyzing fear one must overcome to admit they like someone, and forget admitting anything deeper. It could be the hope of being able to look someone in the eye and say I know that I am able to help understand your pain and questions without judgment because I've been there. And finally, sometimes it's just the comfort of knowing that there are prayers for encouragement on your behalf.
So today I was grounded. Grounded in the most beautiful form. In the midst of a hectic day where all sorts of things may not be going as planned, and my self insecurities are at their highest, for one short hour it was just he and I and the truth. It is never an intention to go for hot chocolate with someone leading to deep conversations. Most people who have been around me or very long will tell you, I'll avoid myself and my feelings at all costs. But being able to look into the brown eyes of a friend and know that I am not alone in my thinking, and the pain and fear that has led up to my insecurities are some of the foundations of our friendship
The friendship has evolved to something much more beautiful than that. It's a matter of family. I would do anything in power, and try to accomplish what is not in my powers if I knew that it could help this individual's life in any way. Why this all seems to be one sided, believe me it is not. Just listening to a guy explain how things are, and aren't in a logical rational matter that is straight honest is a rare jewel to find. Guys generally are raised to treat ladies as just that, and under no circumstances do you hurt them.
I can type a blog that tells my deepest fears and in mind as soon as I press submit, no one will ever read. It's much easier for an individual to write via, email, chat, text, etc. that things aren't going to work out. I don't necessarily think this is wrong. Each individual will know. However, there is nothing sweeter than looking a close friend/family in the eyes and being brutally honest about feelings. It doesn't mean that we are all destined to find that one person who we can tell our sorrows too- we all do- Jesus. However, some of us are lucky to have a friend who will listening to our confusion, pain, and fear without judgment. I do know that there is nothing as comforting as just being able to voice my insecurities, and instead of automatically trying to fix the problem, figure out what went wrong, etc. They listen in love and peace.
Summary- grounded. I was grounded today. I was reminded by spending 1 hour with an amazing man that I would do anything for, it helped me to realize that everything I may have considered wrong, absurd, or even foolish for putting it out there that it doesn't end at of the work day. or After church. I am so lucky to Drake as the person that keeps me grounded. To listen without patience and judgment, but to know exactly when to offer the write words, even if it's an I'll pray for you later.... It definitely works as a blessing at the end of the day.
Funny how things do won't work- whether it be the guy you were convinced you were going to marry 8 years ago, or the girl you are terrified that might just decide to run. I am grounded to know that no matter what happens, I will be taken care of. No it doesn't make the part where things don't work out with the guy "funny" but i was the closest I could come to using it in as non-serious way possible.
So thank you- for the hot chocolate, the trust, and reminder that things will always work out. I am always here for you as well. That's what families are for. I know that it can be difficult to say things to someone like "he's not interested" or "it's not like that" Families will look you in the eye and say WITH LOVE, I know this is what you want, but you need to start thinking about do I wan t wait around for this fellow or should i while waiting for the guy who will sweep me off my feet...... In the end.... It all goes back funny how things work out... or don't. I'm just glad that given time I can, and have, moved on from aspects of my life, and help others the best advice I honestly think I could.
So Here Is My Life of Things I wish students and older adults would understand. It's not about the money. It's not about the appearance, or the fear of something to going terribly wrong. You will never know the answer unless you ask. Having said all of that - TAKE THE RISK! this is one of those times that could end up great for them, or ii';Either way you are gaining experience and love that you will eventually pass along.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Leaping
It's February, and although it's not a "Leap Year," I have been taking leaps. Randomly, during soccer practice one day we were playing leap frog and one of the girls landed on my hand and well... it was painful.
Anyway, I've been taking some pretty big leaps lately. So far, I have no regrets. The biggest leap I've been trying to make is the leap to having a closer and meaningful relationship with God. So let's all take a minute, close our eyes, and picture leaping from one skyscraper to another in New York City. That's the type of leaping I'm attempting. It's been amazing so far. Re-reading passages and having different perspectives to learn from. (Now, I should probably interject here that I have some crazy vivid dreams at night) Constantly taking leaps to grow closer is like when I have the same vivid dreams over and over again and each time a new detail appears in high definition.
Leaping when it comes to personal relationships... well, again no regrets- but wow it can leave you wondering. It is comforting to know that no matter how far you try to leap, or how painful it can be when someone lands on your hand while leaping, you are truly never alone. Reminder: having your hand landed on hurts!!! Anyway, the good news is that the pain isn't long-term.
It takes something courageous in a person to leap big without knowing the outcome. This is a lesson I'm quickly learning, and I will be the first one to admit that I am often lacking in the something courageous part. :) Lacking that something courageous often leads to great pain or great joy. So, after weighing the risks and benefits - I am choosing to continue to leap.
Example: I took a leap today, and well, crashed and burned. Without having taken the leap, I would be without the answer. So, as disappointing as it can be, I still think it was the right decision. Big Plus: according to the laws of probability my next leap should work out in my favor :)
Anyway, I've been taking some pretty big leaps lately. So far, I have no regrets. The biggest leap I've been trying to make is the leap to having a closer and meaningful relationship with God. So let's all take a minute, close our eyes, and picture leaping from one skyscraper to another in New York City. That's the type of leaping I'm attempting. It's been amazing so far. Re-reading passages and having different perspectives to learn from. (Now, I should probably interject here that I have some crazy vivid dreams at night) Constantly taking leaps to grow closer is like when I have the same vivid dreams over and over again and each time a new detail appears in high definition.
Leaping when it comes to personal relationships... well, again no regrets- but wow it can leave you wondering. It is comforting to know that no matter how far you try to leap, or how painful it can be when someone lands on your hand while leaping, you are truly never alone. Reminder: having your hand landed on hurts!!! Anyway, the good news is that the pain isn't long-term.
It takes something courageous in a person to leap big without knowing the outcome. This is a lesson I'm quickly learning, and I will be the first one to admit that I am often lacking in the something courageous part. :) Lacking that something courageous often leads to great pain or great joy. So, after weighing the risks and benefits - I am choosing to continue to leap.
Example: I took a leap today, and well, crashed and burned. Without having taken the leap, I would be without the answer. So, as disappointing as it can be, I still think it was the right decision. Big Plus: according to the laws of probability my next leap should work out in my favor :)
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Stitch Lost
Before I begin the blog for the night .... have to list the top 3 questions I think my dog would say, could she speak English:
1. Why Mort? I understand it's short for Morticia.... but I am an only dog & am gender confused ... as I am constantly referred to as "him."
2. We both have great taste in shoes .... WHY ARE THEY OUT OF REACH!?
3. Listen.... don't be so grouchy in the morning... I don't like being woken up before 8 am either, and I have no choice!
Now for the blog.... if you have never seen the movie Lilo & Stitch the title of this blog will have little to no meaning. So for those folks in addition to recommending you watch it, I'll give you the 20 second recap. Stitch is a little alien who has been created by a mad scientist.He is actually considered to be a failure. He is the only one of his kind, and is "supposedly" meant only for destruction, has no family, and is basically nothing positive. He escapes to Earth, and lands in Hawaii. He meets Lilo whom he gets to adopt him as a dog to avoid being captured. Lilo has an older sister and her parents have tragically died. Things are not going so well in the home, and child services is in the process of determining whether or not to put Lilo in a foster care situation. Throughout the movie Stitch learns the meaning of "family" and the he is "lost" because he has no family to identify with. Add hula skirts, aliens, surfing, etc. and you've got the movie. :0
So I have met someone. It's taking a little time to get to know the person,and at times the language barriers and frustrations leave me identifying with Stitch in feeling lost. Now, I know everyone is dying to knowing who this person is- it's me! Having a month without the students on campus, I had a lot of free time on my hands. Considering I went straight through undergraduate, to law school, and the work- free time is not something I am accustomed to. Being the holidays, it seems natural that family would come to mind. A lot.
Family- Stitch found family in a "broken home" with a little girl and her big sister. Through that small glance of their world, he was able to comprehend the meaning of family. Well, if a fictional alien in a children's movie can figure it out, so can I, right? Well, take away 1500 of my closest companions for a month, and I'll tell you that the student body of my precious University is part of my family. I love that the students have the opportunity to visit their family, some even traveling thousands of miles. I remember driving home with excitement for the holiday break. It never occurred to me that someone at the University would actually miss me!
I am fortunate that my immediate family lives within 6 miles of me. Not very many people have this blessing. The perks: getting to see my nephews 1st steps, free meals, and someone with 4-wheel drive to drag your car up the hill through the snow. Downside: I can't use the excuse "absence makes the heart grow fonder". No, really, there aren't any downsides.
Now- as I am slowly unpacking from moving..,. yes I moved in about 18 months ago, I came across some pictures from the times I spent in Nicaragua. Wow. I cried tears of sorrow and was heartbroken when I realized how long it had been since I was able to hold them in my arms and tell them I love them. While I am not known for loving children, one of the phrases I miss most is hearing "Tia" - any time of day. Now- I am sure that I will return to that part of my family one day, when the timing is right. I know that I am to do long term mission work somewhere, and if it is not to be in that particular area of the world I am okay with that. I will always be able to visit them.
My Oklahoma family- wow. Absence does make the heart grow fonder. I cannot fathom how some of the students travel across seas and thousands of miles to spend months away from their family. I can hardly go a month without making a trip back to see Dani Rose and her family. I am truly blessed that I live close enough to be able to travel.
Recently, thanks to a very close & wise Christian friend of mine, the thought of my biological family has been brought to my attention. I was adopted at 2 weeks old, and never have given it much thought. I have always thought it a blessing, and I continue to think that way. I've always been asked...would you look for them, etc. The usual questions. This amazing person asked me a question that in the moment he said it, I knew his was pure and sincere love for God 1st. He asked me if I had ever thought about my biological parents' salvation? I was adopted through a Christian Service agency, so I guess is never really came to thought. This has become a large part of my prayer life.
Stitch lost. I love this statement because the moment Stitch said he was lost, it immediately brings me to the knowledge of being found. Very much like being lost as sinners, and being found and saved through Christ. I can safely and proudly say that I am not lost. Unlike the title of this blog, I am surrounded by family. Some parts broken, yes, some parts long-term and familiar, and some family I'm just getting to know and learning the amazing love for them. But, yes, I have family. While I, like Stitch, am one of a kind (although not only programmed for destruction) - my uniqueness has allowed me to a blessed and ever growing family. :-)
1. Why Mort? I understand it's short for Morticia.... but I am an only dog & am gender confused ... as I am constantly referred to as "him."
2. We both have great taste in shoes .... WHY ARE THEY OUT OF REACH!?
3. Listen.... don't be so grouchy in the morning... I don't like being woken up before 8 am either, and I have no choice!
Now for the blog.... if you have never seen the movie Lilo & Stitch the title of this blog will have little to no meaning. So for those folks in addition to recommending you watch it, I'll give you the 20 second recap. Stitch is a little alien who has been created by a mad scientist.He is actually considered to be a failure. He is the only one of his kind, and is "supposedly" meant only for destruction, has no family, and is basically nothing positive. He escapes to Earth, and lands in Hawaii. He meets Lilo whom he gets to adopt him as a dog to avoid being captured. Lilo has an older sister and her parents have tragically died. Things are not going so well in the home, and child services is in the process of determining whether or not to put Lilo in a foster care situation. Throughout the movie Stitch learns the meaning of "family" and the he is "lost" because he has no family to identify with. Add hula skirts, aliens, surfing, etc. and you've got the movie. :0
So I have met someone. It's taking a little time to get to know the person,and at times the language barriers and frustrations leave me identifying with Stitch in feeling lost. Now, I know everyone is dying to knowing who this person is- it's me! Having a month without the students on campus, I had a lot of free time on my hands. Considering I went straight through undergraduate, to law school, and the work- free time is not something I am accustomed to. Being the holidays, it seems natural that family would come to mind. A lot.
Family- Stitch found family in a "broken home" with a little girl and her big sister. Through that small glance of their world, he was able to comprehend the meaning of family. Well, if a fictional alien in a children's movie can figure it out, so can I, right? Well, take away 1500 of my closest companions for a month, and I'll tell you that the student body of my precious University is part of my family. I love that the students have the opportunity to visit their family, some even traveling thousands of miles. I remember driving home with excitement for the holiday break. It never occurred to me that someone at the University would actually miss me!
I am fortunate that my immediate family lives within 6 miles of me. Not very many people have this blessing. The perks: getting to see my nephews 1st steps, free meals, and someone with 4-wheel drive to drag your car up the hill through the snow. Downside: I can't use the excuse "absence makes the heart grow fonder". No, really, there aren't any downsides.
Now- as I am slowly unpacking from moving..,. yes I moved in about 18 months ago, I came across some pictures from the times I spent in Nicaragua. Wow. I cried tears of sorrow and was heartbroken when I realized how long it had been since I was able to hold them in my arms and tell them I love them. While I am not known for loving children, one of the phrases I miss most is hearing "Tia" - any time of day. Now- I am sure that I will return to that part of my family one day, when the timing is right. I know that I am to do long term mission work somewhere, and if it is not to be in that particular area of the world I am okay with that. I will always be able to visit them.
My Oklahoma family- wow. Absence does make the heart grow fonder. I cannot fathom how some of the students travel across seas and thousands of miles to spend months away from their family. I can hardly go a month without making a trip back to see Dani Rose and her family. I am truly blessed that I live close enough to be able to travel.
Recently, thanks to a very close & wise Christian friend of mine, the thought of my biological family has been brought to my attention. I was adopted at 2 weeks old, and never have given it much thought. I have always thought it a blessing, and I continue to think that way. I've always been asked...would you look for them, etc. The usual questions. This amazing person asked me a question that in the moment he said it, I knew his was pure and sincere love for God 1st. He asked me if I had ever thought about my biological parents' salvation? I was adopted through a Christian Service agency, so I guess is never really came to thought. This has become a large part of my prayer life.
Stitch lost. I love this statement because the moment Stitch said he was lost, it immediately brings me to the knowledge of being found. Very much like being lost as sinners, and being found and saved through Christ. I can safely and proudly say that I am not lost. Unlike the title of this blog, I am surrounded by family. Some parts broken, yes, some parts long-term and familiar, and some family I'm just getting to know and learning the amazing love for them. But, yes, I have family. While I, like Stitch, am one of a kind (although not only programmed for destruction) - my uniqueness has allowed me to a blessed and ever growing family. :-)
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