Unexpected loss. Since July, this has been a reoccurring theme in my world. In less than a minute I can think of 6 deaths and 2 near deaths that have happened. Add to this pain of losing a great friend, but knowing they're around the corner. This is a recipe for some pretty low times, and prayer. Lots of prayer.
I won't dwell much on the this blog, but here are some things I learned:
1. Lean on God.... when it feels like you can't breathe... lean on God
2. Seeing someone in pain from loss can open yours eyes to a love that you didn't know was there. This can leave you promising they will never have to go through that pain again alone.
3. Miles mean nothing when someone needs a friend
4. You can't always been in 2 places at once
5. Words will never comfort a loss appropriately
6. Life goes on... when you think you'll never smile again- the rain stops.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
Music Speaks
Music speaks. It tells what the mind is thinking, the heart is feeling, and reveals some of the soul. Music is something that has helped me through some rough times, and has also been with me through the great times. Unfortunately that's usually how things are for me (really rough or really great).
This blog is going to be lyrics from the 6 songs stuck in my head. The part posted is usually the part that currently is thought-provoking for me, or I just love the rhythm...while the rest of the song may or may not be. They are in no particular order.
1. David Guetta "When Love Takes Over" - Looking out for you to hold my hand, it feels like I could fall. Now love me like i know you can, we could lose it all.
2. Gramophonedzie "Why Don't You" - You let other women make a fool of you, Why don't you do right, like some other men do?
3. Dierks Bentley "Up On the Ridge"- Let's blow out these city lights, Let's just leave it all behind. Get up where the air is still. You can hear the whippoorwill.
4. Kings of Leon "Use Somebody" - Someone like you and all you know and how you speak. Countless lovers under cover of the street. You know that I could use somebody. You know that I could use somebody. Someone like you.
5. Debi Nova- "Drummer Boy" - Drummer boy come play us a song. Everyone where-ever you from
Lovers hit us all and along. Marching to the same parampapampam. Drummer boy wher-ever you are. Hear the sound and beat of my heart. Let the rythm play till we’re done. Marching to the same drum, c’mon. Your groove is gettin me tipsy
Swing all around you like a gipsy Can’t help to move to your rimsha.
6. Kaskade- "Angel on My Shoulder" - So I turned & left, told myself, I could be as bad as someone else. But I found it hard, when an angel's on my right. But you held my hand, And took me right back down to hell. I have an angel on my shoulder, But a devil in my head.
So there you have it. A small piece of what's running through my mind. Scary huh.
This blog is going to be lyrics from the 6 songs stuck in my head. The part posted is usually the part that currently is thought-provoking for me, or I just love the rhythm...while the rest of the song may or may not be. They are in no particular order.
1. David Guetta "When Love Takes Over" - Looking out for you to hold my hand, it feels like I could fall. Now love me like i know you can, we could lose it all.
2. Gramophonedzie "Why Don't You" - You let other women make a fool of you, Why don't you do right, like some other men do?
3. Dierks Bentley "Up On the Ridge"- Let's blow out these city lights, Let's just leave it all behind. Get up where the air is still. You can hear the whippoorwill.
4. Kings of Leon "Use Somebody" - Someone like you and all you know and how you speak. Countless lovers under cover of the street. You know that I could use somebody. You know that I could use somebody. Someone like you.
5. Debi Nova- "Drummer Boy" - Drummer boy come play us a song. Everyone where-ever you from
Lovers hit us all and along. Marching to the same parampapampam. Drummer boy wher-ever you are. Hear the sound and beat of my heart. Let the rythm play till we’re done. Marching to the same drum, c’mon. Your groove is gettin me tipsy
Swing all around you like a gipsy Can’t help to move to your rimsha.
6. Kaskade- "Angel on My Shoulder" - So I turned & left, told myself, I could be as bad as someone else. But I found it hard, when an angel's on my right. But you held my hand, And took me right back down to hell. I have an angel on my shoulder, But a devil in my head.
So there you have it. A small piece of what's running through my mind. Scary huh.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
In Progress
A work in progress -
When you really give thought to the name in my of my blog you realize that a work in progress doesn't always mean I'm positively moving forward. In fact, there are times when you could say that I am "working" my way straight backward and forgetting lessons I've learned. I sat for a long time tonight and tried to decide what is keeping me from working my way forward and to a better place. What be so huge in my life that would prevent me from having a sense of peace? I'm thinking to myself all the possible reasons: pride, selfishness, laziness, and suddenly it hit me: fear.
It is one thing to be shy, but I am beginning to have a different outlook on fear. If we are commanded that we ought not to fear death itself, what trivial thing could be so frightening that could paralyze a pretty forthright girl. Fear. As much as I would like to say that I have managed to progress into a better person, and blah blah blah... I'm still afraid.
A person can only be so strong on their own, The rest they must lean on God and his family to help you through. That is one of my favorite characteristics is that I will never do something so bad to be written off. I am bad about doing that with people, and it leaves me having lost some very good friends that just needed some better communications. I would love to set the fear aside and be able to say those unspeakable words.... I miss you, come back to me.
So I have been praying to make the conscious decision to lean on God and face my fears. I am not sure how this will turn out, so please just keep me in your prayers. I have a feeling that it will turn out very painful in the beginning, but full of love in the end. For when you lean on God...there's always love.
When you really give thought to the name in my of my blog you realize that a work in progress doesn't always mean I'm positively moving forward. In fact, there are times when you could say that I am "working" my way straight backward and forgetting lessons I've learned. I sat for a long time tonight and tried to decide what is keeping me from working my way forward and to a better place. What be so huge in my life that would prevent me from having a sense of peace? I'm thinking to myself all the possible reasons: pride, selfishness, laziness, and suddenly it hit me: fear.
It is one thing to be shy, but I am beginning to have a different outlook on fear. If we are commanded that we ought not to fear death itself, what trivial thing could be so frightening that could paralyze a pretty forthright girl. Fear. As much as I would like to say that I have managed to progress into a better person, and blah blah blah... I'm still afraid.
A person can only be so strong on their own, The rest they must lean on God and his family to help you through. That is one of my favorite characteristics is that I will never do something so bad to be written off. I am bad about doing that with people, and it leaves me having lost some very good friends that just needed some better communications. I would love to set the fear aside and be able to say those unspeakable words.... I miss you, come back to me.
So I have been praying to make the conscious decision to lean on God and face my fears. I am not sure how this will turn out, so please just keep me in your prayers. I have a feeling that it will turn out very painful in the beginning, but full of love in the end. For when you lean on God...there's always love.
Monday, October 18, 2010
In the Night
Sometimes in the middle of the night I wake
I've dreamed your beside me, I'm safe
Like a hit in the stomach, I realize its a mistake
Awake, and alone, although still I'm safe
Safe maybe from the night
but when dawn rises
It will be a daily fight
Going on and blending in with other's lives.
If we are to learn a lesson in life from our actions, I'm ready. I want to learn my lesson so I can move out of this cyclical battle, and move on to being able to live this life of love that I read about. I'm not naive enough to know that struggles never come. But for the second time in my life, I was naive enough to think you didn't have to fight those struggles alone.
As like the time before I will remember that I am not alone. There is One who is strong enough that can help me through the struggles, and be a better person
I've dreamed your beside me, I'm safe
Like a hit in the stomach, I realize its a mistake
Awake, and alone, although still I'm safe
Safe maybe from the night
but when dawn rises
It will be a daily fight
Going on and blending in with other's lives.
If we are to learn a lesson in life from our actions, I'm ready. I want to learn my lesson so I can move out of this cyclical battle, and move on to being able to live this life of love that I read about. I'm not naive enough to know that struggles never come. But for the second time in my life, I was naive enough to think you didn't have to fight those struggles alone.
As like the time before I will remember that I am not alone. There is One who is strong enough that can help me through the struggles, and be a better person
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Relationships & Love
Only hearts devoted to God and truth can experience abundant life and responsible relationships.
This statement is in a book i'm reading entitled Love More Sin Less. I am only to chapter 2, but so far the book has been fascinating. Usually if a book is going to talk about relationships, I am a little leery to read it. I feel like it will all say the same thing... date Christian, set boundaries, pray, etc. While these are all great directives, where is the book that is "relationships for dummies" and what to do when you are shy or been burned and so you are nearly impossible to approach.
Anyway, I love the focus on the book is not around relationships with certain people in your life, but in general how to relate to people. I know some of you are thrilled to hear this, you might be thinking my randomness will go away. Sorry, that might be genetic. :)
There are a large number of people out there who are terrified of the opposite sex. It's not nearly as uncommon as people would like to think it is. This can be because you don't know someone as well as you'd like, or someone maybe has been hurt really bad. It takes a lot of faith after you've been hurt like that to go back out there.
Speaking from someone who is currently taken steps out there after having been in that situation....it's not THAT scary. (Okay, well if I could find a way around it I would....but let's be honest)
i'm hoping this book will have all kinds of great information that I can use in how I interact with all people on a daily basis.
Good news for everyone else: I should start becoming less awkward to be around. I hope. If not, bear with me... it's a subject I'm shy with and have been burned.
This statement is in a book i'm reading entitled Love More Sin Less. I am only to chapter 2, but so far the book has been fascinating. Usually if a book is going to talk about relationships, I am a little leery to read it. I feel like it will all say the same thing... date Christian, set boundaries, pray, etc. While these are all great directives, where is the book that is "relationships for dummies" and what to do when you are shy or been burned and so you are nearly impossible to approach.
Anyway, I love the focus on the book is not around relationships with certain people in your life, but in general how to relate to people. I know some of you are thrilled to hear this, you might be thinking my randomness will go away. Sorry, that might be genetic. :)
There are a large number of people out there who are terrified of the opposite sex. It's not nearly as uncommon as people would like to think it is. This can be because you don't know someone as well as you'd like, or someone maybe has been hurt really bad. It takes a lot of faith after you've been hurt like that to go back out there.
Speaking from someone who is currently taken steps out there after having been in that situation....it's not THAT scary. (Okay, well if I could find a way around it I would....but let's be honest)
i'm hoping this book will have all kinds of great information that I can use in how I interact with all people on a daily basis.
Good news for everyone else: I should start becoming less awkward to be around. I hope. If not, bear with me... it's a subject I'm shy with and have been burned.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Smile
"Then, when it seems we will never smile again, life comes back."
A young girl standing in the rain with her hands up in a gesture of "I don't know" - and this saying right below.
This was a greeting card that I bought years ago, at a time in my life when a smile on my face was a rare thing. It happened to bring a smile to my face that day, and it was so fitting that I bought the card, and kept it. I look at it every time I think I haven't smiled often enough, and it always brings a smile to my face.
=)
A young girl standing in the rain with her hands up in a gesture of "I don't know" - and this saying right below.
This was a greeting card that I bought years ago, at a time in my life when a smile on my face was a rare thing. It happened to bring a smile to my face that day, and it was so fitting that I bought the card, and kept it. I look at it every time I think I haven't smiled often enough, and it always brings a smile to my face.
=)
Thursday, October 7, 2010
My New Favorite Song
The Messenger -Linkin Park
When you feel you're alone
cut off from this cruel world
your instincts telling you to run
listen to your heart
those angel faces
they'll see you to you
they'll be your guide
back home where life leaves us blind
love keeps us kind
it keeps us kind !
when you suffered it all
and your spirit is breaking
you're growing desperate from the fight
Remember your loved
and you always will be
this melody will always bring
you right back home
When life leaves us blind
Love, keeps us kind!
When life leaves us blind
Love keeps us kind!
Ohhhhhh Ohhhhhhh!
Ohhhhhhh Ohhhhhh!
Ohhhhhh Ohhhhhhh!
When you feel you're alone
cut off from this cruel world
your instincts telling you to run
listen to your heart
those angel faces
they'll see you to you
they'll be your guide
back home where life leaves us blind
love keeps us kind
it keeps us kind !
when you suffered it all
and your spirit is breaking
you're growing desperate from the fight
Remember your loved
and you always will be
this melody will always bring
you right back home
When life leaves us blind
Love, keeps us kind!
When life leaves us blind
Love keeps us kind!
Ohhhhhh Ohhhhhhh!
Ohhhhhhh Ohhhhhh!
Ohhhhhh Ohhhhhhh!
Sunday, October 3, 2010
The Big Gesture
Living in the moment, a heated argument, hurt feelings, these and so much more can lead to a moment where the "big gesture" belongs. This thought has been racing through my mind for days now. The media has given the world a misconception of what the "big gesture" really is. As I'm watching this show on t.v. the guy goes running through the airport to declare his undying love for the girl. Reality, the gesture could be as simple as a text message.
Friendships are such an important part of a person's life. I used to fervently believe that a person could do just fine without the closeness of friends. In fact, a very wise man (my father) once told me that a fault of mine is that I tend to completely walk away and am able to cut someone out of my life entirely. He reminded me that this wasn't the way to build and keep relationships. Cognitively, I understand the concept and know that we as humans need people around us. God wouldn't have designed Eve if Adam would have been better off without her.
The disconnect between the heart-brain lately has been that after giving and giving and giving.... I think my heart tank is on empty. Yes, I realize that it's a very lacking description. There are times in people's lives that no matter the abundance of "I'm sorry" or "I love you" statements things can't be fixed. At what point does this occur. Since I know that I tend to walk away completely so quickly, the question for me now, is how long are you willing to wait?
We have those in our life that we see everyday, our co-workers, family, maybe even the neighbors. I can attest that geographical distance doesn't matter. My best friend in the entire world is over 8 hours away, and her wisdom and love are carried with me in my heart on a daily basis. Yes, money and schedules can interfere with how often we are able to visit one another in person, but there is never a question of commitment or love.
If an individual has the ability to haunt your mind, break your heart, and cause soul-searching .... is this a positive or negative?? All of these qualities are not negative in every situation. In fact, each can lead to personal growth and improvement. It's a line that separates the positive and the negative. No matter how many times someone argues there is a "grey" area... there is a breaking point. What is it? Do we wait for it? What if it's not even recognizable until it's too late? Yes, you can recover. I am living proof of that. Although it leaves a person skeptical and I guess a little too quickly to walk away.
Big Gesture & Line - what are you and where are you? I'd rather not find out too late. I have grown up since the last time I had to face you.... I think I am ready for you to make yourself known. I have dreams and goals... and right now you are affecting my reaching those. I'd rather that not be the case. Either make yourself known, or let me go.
Friendships are such an important part of a person's life. I used to fervently believe that a person could do just fine without the closeness of friends. In fact, a very wise man (my father) once told me that a fault of mine is that I tend to completely walk away and am able to cut someone out of my life entirely. He reminded me that this wasn't the way to build and keep relationships. Cognitively, I understand the concept and know that we as humans need people around us. God wouldn't have designed Eve if Adam would have been better off without her.
The disconnect between the heart-brain lately has been that after giving and giving and giving.... I think my heart tank is on empty. Yes, I realize that it's a very lacking description. There are times in people's lives that no matter the abundance of "I'm sorry" or "I love you" statements things can't be fixed. At what point does this occur. Since I know that I tend to walk away completely so quickly, the question for me now, is how long are you willing to wait?
We have those in our life that we see everyday, our co-workers, family, maybe even the neighbors. I can attest that geographical distance doesn't matter. My best friend in the entire world is over 8 hours away, and her wisdom and love are carried with me in my heart on a daily basis. Yes, money and schedules can interfere with how often we are able to visit one another in person, but there is never a question of commitment or love.
If an individual has the ability to haunt your mind, break your heart, and cause soul-searching .... is this a positive or negative?? All of these qualities are not negative in every situation. In fact, each can lead to personal growth and improvement. It's a line that separates the positive and the negative. No matter how many times someone argues there is a "grey" area... there is a breaking point. What is it? Do we wait for it? What if it's not even recognizable until it's too late? Yes, you can recover. I am living proof of that. Although it leaves a person skeptical and I guess a little too quickly to walk away.
Big Gesture & Line - what are you and where are you? I'd rather not find out too late. I have grown up since the last time I had to face you.... I think I am ready for you to make yourself known. I have dreams and goals... and right now you are affecting my reaching those. I'd rather that not be the case. Either make yourself known, or let me go.
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