Leaping

It's February, and although it's not a "Leap Year," I have been taking leaps. Randomly, during soccer practice one day we were playing leap frog and one of the girls landed on my hand and well... it was painful.

Anyway, I've been taking some pretty big leaps lately. So far, I have no regrets. The biggest leap I've been trying to make is the leap to having a closer and meaningful relationship with God. So let's all take a minute, close our eyes, and picture leaping from one skyscraper to another in New York City. That's the type of leaping I'm attempting. It's been amazing so far. Re-reading passages and having different perspectives to learn from. (Now, I should probably interject here that I have some crazy vivid dreams at night) Constantly taking leaps to grow closer is like when I have the same vivid dreams over and over again and each time a new detail appears in high definition.

Leaping when it comes to personal relationships... well, again no regrets- but wow it can leave you wondering. It is comforting to know that no matter how far you try to leap, or how painful it can be when someone lands on your hand while leaping, you are truly never alone. Reminder: having your hand landed on hurts!!! Anyway, the good news is that the pain isn't long-term.

It takes something courageous in a person to leap big without knowing the outcome. This is a lesson I'm quickly learning, and I will be the first one to admit that I am often lacking in the something courageous part. :) Lacking that something courageous often leads to great pain or great joy. So, after weighing the risks and benefits - I am choosing to continue to leap.

Example: I took a leap today, and well, crashed and burned. Without having taken the leap, I would be without the answer. So, as disappointing as it can be, I still think it was the right decision. Big Plus: according to the laws of probability my next leap should work out in my favor :)

Stitch Lost

Before I begin the blog for the night .... have to list the top 3 questions I think my dog would say, could she speak English:

1. Why Mort? I understand it's short for Morticia.... but I am an only dog & am gender confused ... as I am constantly referred to as "him."

2. We both have great taste in shoes .... WHY ARE THEY OUT OF REACH!?

3. Listen.... don't be so grouchy in the morning... I don't like being woken up before 8 am either, and I have no choice!




Now for the blog.... if you have never seen the movie Lilo & Stitch the title of this blog will have little to no meaning. So for those folks in addition to recommending you watch it, I'll give you the 20 second recap. Stitch is a little alien who has been created by a mad scientist.He is actually considered to be a failure. He is the only one of his kind, and is "supposedly" meant only for destruction, has no family, and is basically nothing positive. He escapes to Earth, and lands in Hawaii. He meets Lilo whom he gets to adopt him as a dog to avoid being captured. Lilo has an older sister and her parents have tragically died. Things are not going so well in the home, and child services is in the process of determining whether or not to put Lilo in a foster care situation. Throughout the movie Stitch learns the meaning of "family" and the he is "lost" because he has no family to identify with. Add hula skirts, aliens, surfing, etc. and you've got the movie. :0

So I have met someone. It's taking a little time to get to know the person,and at times the language barriers and frustrations leave me identifying with Stitch in feeling lost. Now, I know everyone is dying to knowing who this person is- it's me! Having a month without the students on campus, I had a lot of free time on my hands. Considering I went straight through undergraduate, to law school, and the work- free time is not something I am accustomed to. Being the holidays, it seems natural that family would come to mind. A lot.

Family- Stitch found family in a "broken home" with a little girl and her big sister. Through that small glance of their world, he was able to comprehend the meaning of family. Well, if a fictional alien in a children's movie can figure it out, so can I, right? Well, take away 1500 of my closest companions for a month, and I'll tell you that the student body of my precious University is part of my family. I love that the students have the opportunity to visit their family, some even traveling thousands of miles. I remember driving home with excitement for the holiday break. It never occurred to me that someone at the University would actually miss me!

I am fortunate that my immediate family lives within 6 miles of me. Not very many people have this blessing. The perks: getting to see my nephews 1st steps, free meals, and someone with 4-wheel drive to drag your car up the hill through the snow. Downside: I can't use the excuse "absence makes the heart grow fonder". No, really, there aren't any downsides.

Now- as I am slowly unpacking from moving..,. yes I moved in about 18 months ago, I came across some pictures from the times I spent in Nicaragua. Wow. I cried tears of sorrow and was heartbroken when I realized how long it had been since I was able to hold them in my arms and tell them I love them. While I am not known for loving children, one of the phrases I miss most is hearing "Tia" - any time of day. Now- I am sure that I will return to that part of my family one day, when the timing is right. I know that I am to do long term mission work somewhere, and if it is not to be in that particular area of the world I am okay with that. I will always be able to visit them.

My Oklahoma family- wow. Absence does make the heart grow fonder. I cannot fathom how some of the students travel across seas and thousands of miles to spend months away from their family. I can hardly go a month without making a trip back to see Dani Rose and her family. I am truly blessed that I live close enough to be able to travel.

Recently, thanks to a very close & wise Christian friend of mine, the thought of my biological family has been brought to my attention. I was adopted at 2 weeks old, and never have given it much thought. I have always thought it a blessing, and I continue to think that way. I've always been asked...would you look for them, etc. The usual questions. This amazing person asked me a question that in the moment he said it, I knew his was pure and sincere love for God 1st. He asked me if I had ever thought about my biological parents' salvation? I was adopted through a Christian Service agency, so I guess is never really came to thought. This has become a large part of my prayer life.

Stitch lost. I love this statement because the moment Stitch said he was lost, it immediately brings me to the knowledge of being found. Very much like being lost as sinners, and being found and saved through Christ. I can safely and proudly say that I am not lost. Unlike the title of this blog, I am surrounded by family. Some parts broken, yes, some parts long-term and familiar, and some family I'm just getting to know and learning the amazing love for them. But, yes, I have family. While I, like Stitch, am one of a kind (although not only programmed for destruction) - my uniqueness has allowed me to a blessed and ever growing family. :-)

A lil about me.... or more lists

I was asked about a week ago to write something. So of course, I immediately responded with- sure, what about? I do fairly well when given direction, an objective, etc. So when the response was - anything. How about writing about yourself? Well, now I'm stumped. So I will do something I'm fairly good at. I'll just start off with some lists. (yes... I have minor OCD for those who are wondering) Here goes:

5 Things Generally Known About Me:
1. I absolutely love to cook. I looked into culinary school, but was discouraged from pursuing that particular formal educational training. So, I bought cookbooks and started learning on mine own. In Oklahoma I frequently cooked for large groups of people, and thoroughly enjoyed it.

2. My favorite sport to play is soccer. I played little league basketball, softball, etc. but when I was old enough to have a say in it.... I started playing club soccer and fell in love. I actually quit playing basketball so that I could focus entirely on the soccer team.

3. I have wanted a puppy since I was old enough to whine for one. I asked for a puppy for every holiday (birthday, Christmas, Easter, etc.) for over 10 years. I finally got a puppy of mine own a little over a year ago. She is a bit of a terror, well actually a Boston Terrier... but still a terror :) She was the best birthday present I could have ever gotten. Although sometimes I do think dad regrets getting it for me. There is almost nothing as satisfying as having your sweet dog waiting at the door for you every day when you get home excited to see you. :)

4. I love volunteering - especially in the mission field. I spent time in Nicaragua every year for nearly ten years doing mission work. I did everything from knock on doors, mix concrete, and pull teeth, and working with a children's home. Some of my fondest memories are centered around the time I spent down there.

5. I love photography. I have worked for professional photographers as well as done freelance work. There is something peaceful about capturing a moment in time, and being able to share them with others, or just have a tangible piece of artwork to further admire God's wonderful creation.


Now on to 5 Things Most Likely Not Known About Me:

1. I am domestic. As in I can cook, clean, sew, and take care of a household. Yes my current living conditions may show something to the contrary, but that is do to my unfortunate overachievement when it comes to my work.

2. I once stole/borrowed a pot belly pig and hid him in the backyard as my pet. Well, until I got caught and had to give him back.

3. I almost deferred on attending law school so I could do some long term mission work in Nicaragua. I do plan on doing some mission work long term at some point in my life, but I am waiting for the right time/opportunity. I have been unable to do any mission work in the past year and a half, and it bothers me. I feel as if part of who I am is no longer getting a chance to be active.

4. I am not exactly the most talented when it comes to dating. I tend to say the wrong thing.... or end up saying nothing at all and then the chance just passes by. I am absolutely terrified of the whole idea. In a broader interpretation.... I do not enjoy being the center of attention. I am just fine blending in the back ground and observing, unless I am with people I am already good friends with. If anyone is curious.... this can make moving to new places and dating quite difficult. Yes... I am trying to work on this.

5. None of the clocks in my house are the same- and none of them are correct. I have to depend on the clock on my cell phone to make sure I'll be on time to places. I am not too great in knowing how much time has passed by, etc. so I generally find myself extremely early or unfortunately late a lot.

So there you have it. Some insight into my life. Hopefully from these lists and my wild imagination I will be able to come up with something to write. If all else fails I could just write down one of the stories I make up to tell my nephew, or I could just write down one of my dreams... they are usually pretty vivid and odd.

Thoughts? Comments? Critiques?

That's My Generation???????

Generations.... at some point in our lifetime we are defined by our generation. I fall on the borderline of generation shifts, but it has been pointed out numerous times that I belong to the millennial generation. I do agree with this to some extent. However, I have thought on multiple occasions that I don't quite fit in completely with my generation. I am beginning to realize that it's not so much the generation itself that I don't fit within, but that I have characteristics from multiple generations. Here a few reasons why I think this:

1. I very much understand where young adults today ask questions or make requests from people, and expect it to be "fixed" or "answered" within 24-36 hours. It's unfortunate that we have been raised to expect everyone to cater to our latest whim. Aside from the obvious conflicting beliefs with previous generations, it is quite the opposite attitude that we are taught to have in our walk with God. Today we are taught that our actions in the moment should/will yield immediate results. However, there are multiple examples in the Bible where we are taught that our efforts of planting the seed aren't necessarily meant to yield a direct result. If we, as individuals, begin talking to someone about God and expect them to immediately agree with us ... we can be sadly mistaken. Sometimes the greatest conversions and stories of bringing someone to Christ are efforts that take weeks, months, years. So where does that leave young adults today who don't grasp this thought.....


2. Relationships with the opposite sex- yes. I am going to step on toes and make the statement that the relationship God has in mind for us is to be between one man and one woman. That isn't the direction this particular point is going though.... today it is perfectly acceptable for a lady to ask a guy out, and be the aggressor in the relationship. My mother raised me with the thought that girls "don't chase boys". So where does that leave me? One confused clumsy girl. :-) While I am not of the mindset that the guy has to pay for everything, and must be overly chivalrous ... I do have an incredibly hard time with the idea of laying it out there on the line for a guy and saying " I like you a lot... and I think we should go out on a date." It is still so far out of my comfort area to even suggest hanging out with a guy. Yes, I was raised, and fully believe, that when the time comes and I do find the guy I'm supposed to marry that I should be the caretaker of the home. The thought of cooking, cleaning, raising children, etc. is appalling to some women, but I think that this is part of what the relationship is about. (No, I don't think we should be mindless Stepford wives)

3. Hard work & loyalty- I do not buy into the idea of finding the quickest way to climb the corporate ladder. It could be that while I love working, and intend on having a career for awhile- I know that one day I will leave that behind for a time to devote the energy and love I need to in taking care of a family. However, beyond that aspect, there seems to be a quick fix for everything. I am not naive enough to truly believe that putting a band-aid on the gash that really should have had stitches will leave you with no scar. I realize this is not a pretty analogy, but it is fitting in my life right now. Literally. On to loyalty .... this is such a precious commodity. I think it's something that a person doesn't realize until that have found the true friend who will stand by you and give support even when you are making a mistake and you both know it. The loyal friend will tell you that it's a mistake and advise otherwise, but will stand by and be there for you so that when the time comes instead of throwing out "I told you so" they can be there to support you and help you in the mourning and growth that follows.

So where does this leave me? Right now I am not sure. It has led to a lot of frustrations at work... mainly because the millennial side of me sees the problem and solution and doesn't understand why it just can't be fixed automatically. It leaves me wondering how to talk to the guy and say yes I would like to date you. If I wasn't so terrified and trained that ladies aren't the first ones to make the move, I think the millennial part of me would have had no problem with this. It should be simple: guy likes girl... girl likes guy- the end. Hardly.

At some point I will learn to make peace with all of the conflicting thoughts. Mainly the peace will come, not from choosing to identify myself one particular generation- but to define myself using a book that with standards that have spanned not just a generation or 2, but thousands of years.

Head in the Clouds... leads to hard fall

I have always lived my life following the theory that it's okay to be creative, and day dream ... so long as you are able to keep your feet on the ground. It's the last part of the statement that I seem to be having trouble with. And, yes... I have the bruises and scrapes to prove it.

I'm learning, though, at some point we have to keep daydreams down to a minimum (or at least leave them for a rainy day) because if we don't all of the good things in life will pass us by. As humans we aren't talented enough, or at least I'm not, to keep my head in the clouds and my feet on the ground for any long periods of time. Anyway I am far to blessed to always have my head in the clouds.

For some reason a lot of the blessings in my life that I would not ordinarily be consciously aware of have been brought to my attention. I'm very thankful for that. Without truly appreciating the blessings that God has already given me, I am not in a state of being to fully appreciate any further blessings. It makes me think of the parable of the talents. I do not want to be the individual who buries his talent in the ground because he was too scared to do anything with it. I would like to be able to to take the talents and blessings that I have and put them to some great use. I want God to be thankful He chose to give them to me.

This may require that I put a few band-aids on my scrapes and pick myself back up.... but that is something I happen to be talented with. I guess we'll see what happens......

And Through the Silence We Speak & Learn

A first kiss, raindrop on the nose, single tear falling, or the silent screams we hold in. I have been encouraged lately to do some reflecting and finally let go of the memories that haunt me and continue to hold me back. I am not able to say that the process has been one of reliving the good old times, but of looking back to see how I came to be where I am- through the bad and the good.

I'm frequently mistaken for being someone who is intelligent and usually has the answers. The truth is, for every answer I may have, there may be a dozen questions traveling through my mind related to that particular answer, that I do not have the answer for. I am fascinated with gaining knowledge. It's not the knowledge itself, the power some say that comes with it, or the changes in my life I can make because of the knowledge. I love the journey along the way. I come to this conclusion based on two random, yet completely related facts about me. :)

1. I dream so vividly. To say this is an understatement doesn't do justice. My brother was the first to point out to me that I don't dream "normally." Although, when I have nightmares they tend to be worse.... this may just be why I love to nap. :) It's not that I have dreams that are impossible like flying, or living in far away lands. My dreams tend to be fairly mundane activities. It's just the clarity and the feeling of reality while I dream. (This is not to say I haven't had some out there dreams... I do) I always seem to be looking for some kind of answer, or following through on some activity that I am wanting to do in the real world... only I never seem to get to the end. I always wake up without the answer. Oddly, this doesn't bother me. I guess I have faith that one day I'll get the answers to all of my questions.

Random fact 2: I rarely know the correct lyrics to a song. This has been a fairly recent revelation to me. Back home, everyone was so used to this that no one ever mentioned it to me. Here, however, it seems to be the source of great entertainment. And I'm okay with this. My conclusion is if I am able to continue to sing along with songs (whether or not I know the correct lyrics) then having to know all of the answers must not be that important to me. In fact, I rarely bother to learn the correct words to the songs. Fear not... I'm not in any kind of chorus, etc. that requires me to memorize songs. :)

Unfortunately, lately I've been dying to know the answers and skip the journey. This is foreign to me, and I'm having a difficult time adjusting. Actually, I tend to read the wrong thing into unspoken words, actions, etc. and react with poor judgment. I am writing this to try and remind myself how important the journey is, and that the answer doesn't always have to be found right away. So for tonight I break my silence and speak saying I want the answers, but more importantly I want the patience to enjoy the journey to get them.

Honesty - Progress or Painful?

We were all doing mission work in a foreign country, and we had just arrived at our hosts' home. It was a barrio that I knew very well having traveled to this area over the years. Oddly, I had never been to this particular house. As I was getting settled in, I looked out the window and saw these fields. They looked like parts were ready for harvest, and others were not. The field was clearly divided at some point in two different areas, and they extended as far as I could see, and I was mystified. Curiosity got the best of me, as it usually does, and I asked someone else what the fields were. One of my friends smiled and she told me to just wait a few minutes, dress warm as night was falling and she would show me. Across the room her guy also got up and started to find a jacket. After some confusion and debate with myself I saw a friend who had been listening to the conversation smile and nod. This small gesture was everything I needed to know that it was okay, and I had nothing to worry about, so I set about dressing warmer.

As we are getting ready to go into the field I could tell that we were purposefully entering the part not ready for harvest. I still had no idea what was going on. Out of nowhere the friend who had been listening showed up with smile on his face and said let's go. Grabbing my hand, he set out at a pace that seemed too quick, but I kept up. The others were behind us, but at a distance- wanting to see my reaction I suppose. So I'm told to close my eyes for the last part of the walk (thankfully, we slowed as I am clumsy), and I'm guided the last few yards (what seemed like forever) only by someone's hand. FINALLY, I'm able to open my eyes and see what's going on. It was a field of giant sunflowers as far as I could see. Words can't explain how amazing it was. I just couldn't stop smiling.

As we continue to walk he occasionally picks a sunflower, creating the most beautiful bouquet of flowers. After taking our time we get to the second half of the field. It was full of night blooming roses. They were various shades of blue, orange, violet, and some had these beautiful black streaks running through them or around the petal tips. The timing was perfect, as the moon was just resting over top and the roses were all finishing the process of blooming. (The reason I was told to dress warmly was not for the weather, but to protect me from the thorns and brambles) We wandered through the field talking for what seemed like hours about everything, just enjoying God's amazing creation, company with each other, and the night.

Clearly everything above is not real, but I assure you, as I dreamt it I could touch the sunflowers, feel the strength in the other's hand, and smell the sweet fragrance of the roses.

How does this relate to the title of the blog... don't worry I can manage to connect the dots. ( I was enthusiastic when it came to coloring when I was younger)

Honesty, not truth, is the subject of this blog. I am learning that there are some things in life that it is easier to make an honest statement about how you feel to someone else, and deny it to yourself while you are speaking the words. I know that my dream was a dream and so the honesty of the words spoken, feelings felt, and memories made while appearing sincere, were not real. Could there ever be a time that those are possible- maybe. Again, it falls back on making those honest statements.

So my answer to my title is both. If you are truly honest with yourself, honesty can be heart-wrenching. The beauty is during this process progress is molding you into becoming a stronger person. I am learning that aside from being completely honest with God, it may be okay to have one person you are completely honest with. (Keep in mind, this is written from a singles perspective, and so I am not including spouses or significant others in this consideration.) As painful as it may be to be completely honest with someone about how you are feeling (even if it has nothing to do with them) it allows you to let those feelings & thoughts that haunt you become a reality.

Dealing with reality is much better than trying to make sense sometimes of the thoughts swimming in someone's head. Further, speaking the words allowed (or writing them) allow an individual to give an objective analysis of the situation, comfort you if the reality is indeed painful, and most powerfully add you to their prayers.

See... dots- connected. :-)