A first kiss, raindrop on the nose, single tear falling, or the silent screams we hold in. I have been encouraged lately to do some reflecting and finally let go of the memories that haunt me and continue to hold me back. I am not able to say that the process has been one of reliving the good old times, but of looking back to see how I came to be where I am- through the bad and the good.
I'm frequently mistaken for being someone who is intelligent and usually has the answers. The truth is, for every answer I may have, there may be a dozen questions traveling through my mind related to that particular answer, that I do not have the answer for. I am fascinated with gaining knowledge. It's not the knowledge itself, the power some say that comes with it, or the changes in my life I can make because of the knowledge. I love the journey along the way. I come to this conclusion based on two random, yet completely related facts about me. :)
1. I dream so vividly. To say this is an understatement doesn't do justice. My brother was the first to point out to me that I don't dream "normally." Although, when I have nightmares they tend to be worse.... this may just be why I love to nap. :) It's not that I have dreams that are impossible like flying, or living in far away lands. My dreams tend to be fairly mundane activities. It's just the clarity and the feeling of reality while I dream. (This is not to say I haven't had some out there dreams... I do) I always seem to be looking for some kind of answer, or following through on some activity that I am wanting to do in the real world... only I never seem to get to the end. I always wake up without the answer. Oddly, this doesn't bother me. I guess I have faith that one day I'll get the answers to all of my questions.
Random fact 2: I rarely know the correct lyrics to a song. This has been a fairly recent revelation to me. Back home, everyone was so used to this that no one ever mentioned it to me. Here, however, it seems to be the source of great entertainment. And I'm okay with this. My conclusion is if I am able to continue to sing along with songs (whether or not I know the correct lyrics) then having to know all of the answers must not be that important to me. In fact, I rarely bother to learn the correct words to the songs. Fear not... I'm not in any kind of chorus, etc. that requires me to memorize songs. :)
Unfortunately, lately I've been dying to know the answers and skip the journey. This is foreign to me, and I'm having a difficult time adjusting. Actually, I tend to read the wrong thing into unspoken words, actions, etc. and react with poor judgment. I am writing this to try and remind myself how important the journey is, and that the answer doesn't always have to be found right away. So for tonight I break my silence and speak saying I want the answers, but more importantly I want the patience to enjoy the journey to get them.
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