Let It Rain

As I am currently working on another article of some sorts.... tonight's blog will be the lyrics to newly discovered song:

It's called Let It Rain by Sara Bareilles

I wish I were pretty

I wish I were brave

If I owned this city

Then I'd make it behave



And if I were fearless

Then I'd speak my truth

And the world would hear this

That's what I wish I'd do, yeah



If my hands could hold them you'd see

I'd take all these secrets in me
And I'd move and mold them to be

Something I'd set free



I want to darken in the skies

Open the floodgates up

I want to change my mind

I want to be enough

I want the water in my eyes

I want to cry until the end of time



I want to let the rain come down

Make a brand new ground

Let the rain come down

Let the rain come down

Make a brand new ground

Let the rain come down tonight



I hold on to worry so tight

It's safe in here right next to my heart

Who now shouts at the top of her voice

Let me go, let me out, this is not my choice



And I always felt it before

That the world was filled with much more

Than the drowning soul I've learned to be

I just need the rain to remind me



I want to darken in the skies

Open the floodgates up

I want to change my mind

I want to be enough

I want the water in my eyes

I want to cry until the end of time



I want to let the rain come down

Make a brand new ground

Let the rain come down

Let the rain come down

Make a brand new ground

Let the rain come down



I want to let the rain come down

Make a brand new ground

Let the rain come down

Let the rain come down

Make a brand new ground

Let the rain come down



I want to let the rain come down

Make a brand new ground

Let the rain come down

Let the rain come down

Make a brand new ground

Let the rain come down tonight

Time Goes By

Memories

When I look at the stars at night I'm reminded of singing under them at camp, laying on a blanket laughing and picking out shapes, or trying to memorize what they look in the different places I visit. Each person sees something different when they look at the stars. The same idea falls for just about everything in life.

One of my favorite things is reading, well okay lately it's been sleeping, but both of them have a common appeal to me. Using your imagination to make a story come to life or in your dreams make your goals and dreams come to life- For instance, if myself and 3 others read the same story out of the Bible, yes, some of the themes will be common. What's so wonderful though is that each of us will read it based on our own life, and can make different observations that benefit us all. As for dreams, we each dream uniquely, luckily I dream in vivid color and usually remember them It makes for some funny stories in the morning.

Part of what we learned i psychology was that our memories are biased. Eye witness accounts are not necessarily the most reliable source of evidence. I remember a kiss once when I was younger. It was something that happened so spontaneous and unexpected that later than night I wasn't even sure if it had really happened.

Then there are the memories that are engraved in our minds, effects burned in our hearts, and recollection can still take your breath away. Writing about them, taking photographs, filming them... it may record the moment in time, but the memory itself- well that may be subject to change.

I have had to spend a lot of time at the hospital lately. It has brought back memories, and I have had the opportunity to hear memories from my mother. They are stories that I never got a chance to hear directly from my mamma, Evelyn Jean, (yep I was named after her.. they just added a A) While it has been sad, I know I will cherish the moments for a long time. Unfortunately, even if my mamma does completely recover, the Alzheimers will keep her from being able to share the stories herself.

It the quiet lately I have had a chance to re-think on some of my memories. And yes, they can bring back smiles, tears, and hopes of reliving some of them. As time goes by, time will tell.

Why I Write

Proverbs 4:23
Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

If I put my thoughts into words, I tend to read and re-read what I have written to make sure what I have written makes sense and is not as likely to cause more trouble for myself. The context of guarding your heart includes not allowing corrupt things to come from your mouth. Again, writing forces me to determine how badly I want that thought to be out there for the world to hear.

My best friend in the entire world is 9 hours away. I love my family, my job, and the people here. Nothing replaces my best friend. She was there for me when the love of my life broke my heart, when my best friend crushed my heart and trust for mankind, when I walked across the stage, and many other adventure since our friendship. To say that I miss her would be the understatement of the century.

I know that we end up where we are in life for a reason. There is a reason I am here, and I know that good works are being done. I can't say that if I were given a choice to go pick up my life in Oklahoma I would go back. It would be a hard decision, but right now- here is where I belong.

Having that said, I can now say without any guilt that I am so completely homesick. I miss being able to call up Dani Rose and say I've had the most awful day, week, month of my life and within 20 minutes she will have me giggling and remind me of some of the times in life that has been worse. She would understand, and be able to give me answer when I ask, "when is the friendship worth mending, or just walk away?" "Should I really wears heel to work?" or one of my latest questions... "why, oh why did I agree to get a kitten?"

Seriously, she knows how awful I have always been at relationships, work wise, friendships, dating, enemies... I always get confused and feel awkward, so I end up saying what I mean (I seldom lie) but it always comes out hurtful or without even getting my point across.

We get to talk, but we are both living incredibly busy lives right now. My plan is to find time to actually ask her the aforementioned questions and get some answers. I guess he question I would add to that would be... "blind date- yes or no?" and "can I pull of the hippie look ok?"

Until then here is where I stand... fairly heart-broken (sometimes it can hurt worse when it's only a friendship), sore feet, sweet little kitten named Sheba... and as for the blind date. Well, I'll do what I always do, bail. As for the hippie look... I kinda like it, and so it stays. =)

This is why I write. It lets me acknowledge the pain, and as my daddy says, "put on my big girl britches and deal with." Monday- bring it on!

While I may be a low-maintenance person who rarely opens up to how I feel....when I do, it's probably been because I've been hurting for awhile. I just haven't had the nerves to put it out there for the world to read.

Dani Rose- I WLL come find you soon.

Gravity

Gravity? Whey this title... I learned earlier this week that distance and time mean nothing in love. One of my dearest friends in the world lost his father this week. His father led a wonderful life, and raised an amazing son. He suffered a little in the end, and so as we all grieve his death it is a comfort to know that he has gone to our wonderful Father in Heaven.

The drive there was long and stressful one (thank you beloved car, that is living on it's last few hundred miles) and the drive home was exhausting. Usually the drive is a peaceful one, and I am able to reflect and celebrate the time I have spent with loved ones. Since this was not the case, I didn't get a chance to truly reflect on the time I was there. I have neglected to see this friend the last couple of trips down. Usually we are able to go to dinner, and he makes sure his little sister is behaving, and me make sure he is misbehaving some.

Here are some background details to set the setting for my favorite memory of Johnny Weeks. A long time ago, I fell in love. For the time in my life, the love was strong, amazing, and life-changing. Although it wasn't a true love. I know that now. There is nothing I would change during that time in my life. It holds some of my fondest memories. However, when a love so strong...well fades- sometimes it's not pretty. This is my dear friend comes in. In an effort to show me the world was still rotating and there was plenty of fun and life left out there, we started attending OU football games. I kept up with it some... but to be completely honest, I still had A LOT to learn about football. And I did =)

I still lived in my hometown at the time. So every weekend I would drive up to McAlester to meet and drive over to Norman. Every weekend Johnny would be there to wish us a safe trip, he would be smiling, and would always have something true and cheerful to say. I don't think he ever knew the true value of what his son was doing, taking me and introducing me to what would be one day my alma mater. The constant love and support shown every weekend by he and his son reminded me that there are others outside my immediate family and best friend Dani who could remind me of love. It was a love of friendship, but nonetheless, it may have saved my life.

This blog is dedicated to a wonderful man who he and his son impacted my life in a way that I am not sure either ever realized. I haven''t been able to put much into words today, and certainly not well... so here is my poorly written, but completely from the heart favorite memories of a wonderful man - Johnny Weeks.

It's a Cold & It's a Broken Hallelujah

"love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."

Funny how a movie about a huge green ogre can have some amazing music for the soundtrack. I was spending some quality time with the man in my life (he just happens to be my sweet lil nephew.. not quite 2 yet) watching Shrek and a song came on titled Hallelujah. It has quite possible one of my favorite lines for a song in it.. "love is not a victory march, it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah."

This might be one of the truest descriptions of love that I have ever heard. If a person is lucky enough to find love, actual love and not some lie... well they learn firsthand exactly how the road of love is. It's beautiful, heartbreaking, and when it's real... worth it all.

Radical Honesty- Brain Mouth Filter

I alluded to a book I'm reading titled My Life As An Experiment in my last blog. I have decided to blog about some of the thoughts I have on the book. It's fascinating! It's sort of an autobiography- he is a journalist who decided to start living out experiments and then writing about them. This particular chapter is about Radical Honesty.

As a Christian I know that we are supposed to live an honest life, and that includes the telling the truth part. This experiment goes beyond that. The author, A.J. Jacobs, in addition to telling the truth also says whatever he is thinking. He does admit in the chapter that he was not able to follow this 100%. He began research on the topic by speaking to Brad Blanton, the founder of Radical Honesty. One of the situations that intrigued me follows:

A friend of Jacobs lost his wife. In the process of coping, he started writing poetry. He asked Jacobs to read his poetry and give a professional response to what he thought about it. A.J. didn't particular think the poetry was great, but wrote the man back and told him it was wonderful. After having some guilt over not following his radical honesty commitment, he told Blanton what he had happened. Jacobs justification was that the man was going through a hard time, and needed some compassion in his life, not more unhappy news. The response he got amazes me, "authentic caring underneath your usual intellectual b.s. and overvaluing of your critical judgment. Your lie is not useful to him. In fact, it is simply avoiding our responsibility as one human being to another. that's okay. It happens all the time. It is not a mortal sin. But don't b.s. yourself about it being kind." Wow. To me, that's a new kind of thinking. To me, this goes along with the principal of whether or not those little white lies are helpful or not.

At one point in the relatinship between Jacobs and Blanton Jacobs sends an email to Blanton expressing his resentment over a responsive email Blanton sent him. The email Blanton sent back was this, "What you don't seem to get yet, A.J. is that the reason for expressing resentment directly and in person is so that you can experience in your body the sensation that occur when you express the resentment, while at the same time being in the presence of the person you resent, and so you can stay with them until the sensations arise and recede and then get back to neutral- which is what forgiveness is."

This is so applicable to our lives today, especially mine. It is so simply to send a text message, email, or Facebook message saying how unfair you think a decision is. Or worse, reading tone into a text message, and assuming the worst about someone. I am not a huge fan of confrontation, but I am a firm believer in not holding grudges. My very wise father told me that I am too quick to completely write someone off and remove them from my life once I have been betrayed by them. My previous thinking on the matter was this- I don't hold a grudge against them, I hope they do well in life. They just don't have to interact with my life. (this unfortunately has happened more than I would like to admit) Therefore I am working on, not necessarily being an antagonistic person, but working on not withdrawing from the world or completely writing off people. I still have major trust issues with people, but I guess that is something that I will have to continually work on and pray about.

Here is the part that I don't necessarily agree with. Blanton suggests that you don't just practice honestly, but say whatever pops into your brain when it does. An example, Jacobs mentions to a colleague during a business meeting that, yes, he had just tried to look down her shirt. (He does end up apologizing and explaining the situation) He also announces while he is in a room with his wife and parents-in-law that he is now bored... and walks out. This part of Radical Honesty could have major consequences. While I have not made these particular comments, I have unfortunately said what I was thinking at the moment to other colleagues at work. It's safe to say that I am still working on my cooperation with other offices. =)

So here is what I am left to think about: do I tell the person that while I would trust them with my life, I wouldn't let them near my heart with a ten foot pole. Or how about, yep... you've wiggled your way into my heart.. but I don't trust you as far as I could throw you. It's just a matter of time before you prove me right about the world again. Lastly, I guess at some point my nephew is going to catch on and actually understand when I say to him (in a sweet loving voice) I love you so much, but I that constant drool is annoying, and stop thieving my stuff. In all fairness... the last time he threw up on me, I managed to not vomit and successfully clean it up. Okay... I gagged a little. =)

I want to give the book proper credit, so here is where the information I based this blog on is from.My Life as an Experiment (One Man's Humble Quest to Improve Himself) by A.J. Jacobs. The other individual mentioned here is Brad Blanton, the founder of Radical Honesty.

Change is In the Air

CHANGE
So many things are going on in my life right now that it hardly seems fair to keep them to myself. I find it so interesting that people can hear one things or observe one moment in time, and assume that is how it is all of the time. For instance, I am reading this book, and in it the author describes how when someone cuts him off in the middle of the highway, instead of thinking "you jerk" think that it might be a possibility that he has a sick little girl with him, and it is you who are in his way.

That little story is just a beginning to some of the changes in my thinking that I am trying to have lately. I have learned a lot this summer. Not only have I learned and shared information about God's Word, developed relationships with others, but I have also taken the time to start to learn myself a little bit. The three pictures I have posted here are from very different times in my life. Although, you can see me in every single picture. After I finished choosing the pictures, I noticed that the pictures I had chosen all portrayed myself as a blonde. I guess that no matter what the hair color is, and how far I stray from the natural, I will always be a blond at heart. =)


This upcoming school semester is going to be quite a change and challenge for me. So here it is summed up in 3 sentences. I am no longer going to be the Dean of Students. I will continue to teach and be the Director of Disability Services. I am also the International Student Advisor.

I'm guessing some of you might want some more information. Well, here goes. While I loved being the Dean of Students, I truly feel like I can be benefiting the students in a different role. Tom & Missie are more than capable of carrying on the tasks. I would like to have a different type of working relationship with the students. I also see a growing need in the Office of Disabilities that this will give me time to focus on. One of my overall life wishes is to do foreign mission work. Having myself, with the help of Sarah, work with the international students only seemed like the next logical step.

These are changes that I am thrilled about. They did not come from one particular event, actions of one person, but through many hours in prayer and questioning if this is what I really wanted/needed. Sometimes people tend to forget that I haven't had much of my 20's to actually be my age. This is giving me the opportunity to do that. It is also letting me focus on developing better relationships with the students on campus to better serve the school.

As we grow older our priorities change about what we want in life. It just happens that right now my priorities have shifted. I think to serve the students in the best way possible, and keep myself in a good healthy place this is the best move. I have no idea how the next semester will proceed, but i am looking forward to finding out. Now is the time in my life where I want to develop the friendships that will last forever. I want to change other's lives for the better. Who knows, I may even step out there a little bit and go on a date (Missie, I know what you're thinking..and your blind dates will be limited ;P ) This is the time when I can have fun, and enjoying being who I am, and do God's work.

More than anything I love the students, and everything I do - I try to do what is best for them But for a little while.... I'd like to be known as Jeana Rae instead of Dean Wiley.