hatima, destiny, suerte, destino

Do you believe in destiny? I am referring to the type where in retrospect you look at the poem by Robert Frost and you say I took the well traveled path or the road less taken.

I am starting to decide that I believe in destiny to a certain degree, but I also know that we make our destiny up to a certain part. As for the second part of that statement...I choose the non-existent path. Sure we could take the path well traveled and lead successful lives; or we could even take the path less traveled and have a few adventures along the way. I vote for taking the path that's no mentioned. I think with God's guidance, wise decision making, and a touch of destiny, your life could be fulfilled to an unimaginable place.

The majority of our lives we are asked what we think, who we are, what we want to be, etc. The questions never seem to stop coming. Once you are educated or established in a job it turns into, when are you going to settle down. After that, what about kids. I don't need to go any further. Anyone reading this has been asked these questions, and knows the feeling of wanting to just say "I don't know"

This is what intrigues me about taking a path not even carved out. It allows for us to not only make our mark on the world, but this way while we are determining exactly who we are, and what we plan to do when we grow up- we can say with confidence these were choices I made on a path I chose. Yes, God has always had a hand in guiding me. and I won't stray from that. However, think how amazing it will be! Think about the stories you'll have to share with family and friends, wisdom that you learned along the way.

I don't think this is necessarily for the weak hearted or for everyone. Taking a path not even carved out will take some time. In a jungle, you have to cut through the underbrush in order to make your own trail. There's also the canopy top keeping you from seeing straight up; but everyday scientists, adventurers, etc. pave their own way and end up discovering a new species or cure for some ailment.

I am not at a place in my life right now where I can answer those questions of "who are you" "what are you doing here" "when are you going to settle down".... I can give an honest answer of this: I am trying to discover who I am. It's a marathon, not a sprint. When I finally am able to reflect on it, I would like to see wisdom, adventure, and God all along the path I have carved.... and maybe even somewhere along the way someone with who to help carve the path.

Melody or Harmony

Even in the silence, I hear the song that you've written on my heart. The melody plays over and over. Sometimes, when i can manage the courage- I will try to harmonize with what I hear. Other times, the music is so beautiful on it's own, I just sit and listen trying to remember every measure so that it will replay accurately in my head later.

Music can bear your soul and tell the world exactly what you are feeling. Like magic, music can also let you lose yourself in it, and listen to only the music itself. What you feel is the rhythm of the drums, strum of the guitar, even the clapping of hands.

The music I listen to on a daily basis usually changes depending on how I am feeling. It does usually stay within a few genres.


As I am growing up, well let's be real, maturing in my job, I am learning to not wear my emotions on my sleeve. Nope, I am still not very good at this. Music has helped though. If I can listen to that type of music, or if I can write about it.... then I am doing okay. I was asked to speak in chapel earlier this week. I have never spoken in front of a group that large. I have never had to give a reason that would be interesting to the entire audience for "why am I here." Let's just say I had a blank canvas. There was no song playing in head, or in my heart. I was finally able to answer the question, but it took a lot of time.

It's one thing for me to wear an emotion on my sleeve- anger. I almost never can hide anger. The truth is, while anger might be what is predominately showing.... chances are that I am incredibly hurt, and anger is my way of coping with the situation. As an attorney we are trained to continue on no matter what. Well, sometimes in life, we have a disease or a mental condition that can prevent this. One of the ways I have been able to cope with what I have been diagnosed with is that I rarely open to people. It never seems to work out well. So I write....or I listen to Music.

So when you and I are in the same room, or quite possibly singing the same song and you are singing melody and I am pitifully trying to sing harmony, remember this- I realize I can't carry a tune. That may just be one of the ways that I am able to reach out to people. It's indirect, and some may say cowardly, but if you only knew how anxious some people truly get around others would you understand.

Music is like a window to the soul for some people. It allows you to get to know them on a level you might never have been able to by a simple conversation. As I close out, the current song playing is : When You Wish Upon A Star.

It's been a good night :)

A Rare Admission

Somewhere along the journey, I have forgotten one of my most profound realizations. This hardly doesn't seem right for someone who has chosen to title their blog "A Work in Progress." Nine years ago I realized that I had received more love in my life that some people will ever know. As awkward as I can be at times with people, God has continually shown me love through others.

Falling in love is something that tends to come unexpectedly, and can leave a handprint on the heart. It was this that made me realize how fortunate I was to have had that kind of love at one time. I was blessed to learn that lesson when I was 21 years old. It has allowed me to look at life with a smile, and know how lucky I am.

Everything so far is something that I have told people frequently when asked why I don't ever bother to really put myself out there. It's a standard answer that allows me to pacify someone who desires that I know what love is, without really having to answer a question. The rare admission is this- while I lived in Oklahoma I was fortunate enough to meet a few wonderful guys. I did them a disservice in the fact that because of my fear, a fear that paralyzes, I never gave it a full chance to turn a growing relationship into something that could have been amazing. To those- I apologize. As for here in Tennessee, I haven't even managed to find the courage to go on a proper date. Doing a self-check on my work in progress would leave me to give myself a pitiful failing grade.

So I guess, if I am a work in progress.. then I am supposed to be working on myself. I have tried this theory of opening myself to others. I still not sure if I am even good at it. I guess that is a questions you can ask the handful of close friends that I have. I already know the answer to if I have made any progress when it comes to opening myself up to the opportunity for love. I seem to find myself making a small step forward here and there, and then turning and running at the first chance I can get. Usually, that first chance is one that doesn't really exist...but I can pretend it's there. I know that it is causing me to miss out on a great deal of joy in my life. I am still trying to overcome the fear of being rejected or worse... not being rejected and doing something myself to mess it up.

Hopefully, somewhere along the way I will meet someone who can learn to love me, fear and all, and hold my hand to remind me that being scared isn't such a bad thing. A life without risk, surely shall be a life without many treasures. Because that, is something I want. A true love.
Love
Rae

Expect no more blogs of this type- I watched Letters to Juliet earlier....and well... I found myself typing

Let It Rain

As I am currently working on another article of some sorts.... tonight's blog will be the lyrics to newly discovered song:

It's called Let It Rain by Sara Bareilles

I wish I were pretty

I wish I were brave

If I owned this city

Then I'd make it behave



And if I were fearless

Then I'd speak my truth

And the world would hear this

That's what I wish I'd do, yeah



If my hands could hold them you'd see

I'd take all these secrets in me
And I'd move and mold them to be

Something I'd set free



I want to darken in the skies

Open the floodgates up

I want to change my mind

I want to be enough

I want the water in my eyes

I want to cry until the end of time



I want to let the rain come down

Make a brand new ground

Let the rain come down

Let the rain come down

Make a brand new ground

Let the rain come down tonight



I hold on to worry so tight

It's safe in here right next to my heart

Who now shouts at the top of her voice

Let me go, let me out, this is not my choice



And I always felt it before

That the world was filled with much more

Than the drowning soul I've learned to be

I just need the rain to remind me



I want to darken in the skies

Open the floodgates up

I want to change my mind

I want to be enough

I want the water in my eyes

I want to cry until the end of time



I want to let the rain come down

Make a brand new ground

Let the rain come down

Let the rain come down

Make a brand new ground

Let the rain come down



I want to let the rain come down

Make a brand new ground

Let the rain come down

Let the rain come down

Make a brand new ground

Let the rain come down



I want to let the rain come down

Make a brand new ground

Let the rain come down

Let the rain come down

Make a brand new ground

Let the rain come down tonight

Time Goes By

Memories

When I look at the stars at night I'm reminded of singing under them at camp, laying on a blanket laughing and picking out shapes, or trying to memorize what they look in the different places I visit. Each person sees something different when they look at the stars. The same idea falls for just about everything in life.

One of my favorite things is reading, well okay lately it's been sleeping, but both of them have a common appeal to me. Using your imagination to make a story come to life or in your dreams make your goals and dreams come to life- For instance, if myself and 3 others read the same story out of the Bible, yes, some of the themes will be common. What's so wonderful though is that each of us will read it based on our own life, and can make different observations that benefit us all. As for dreams, we each dream uniquely, luckily I dream in vivid color and usually remember them It makes for some funny stories in the morning.

Part of what we learned i psychology was that our memories are biased. Eye witness accounts are not necessarily the most reliable source of evidence. I remember a kiss once when I was younger. It was something that happened so spontaneous and unexpected that later than night I wasn't even sure if it had really happened.

Then there are the memories that are engraved in our minds, effects burned in our hearts, and recollection can still take your breath away. Writing about them, taking photographs, filming them... it may record the moment in time, but the memory itself- well that may be subject to change.

I have had to spend a lot of time at the hospital lately. It has brought back memories, and I have had the opportunity to hear memories from my mother. They are stories that I never got a chance to hear directly from my mamma, Evelyn Jean, (yep I was named after her.. they just added a A) While it has been sad, I know I will cherish the moments for a long time. Unfortunately, even if my mamma does completely recover, the Alzheimers will keep her from being able to share the stories herself.

It the quiet lately I have had a chance to re-think on some of my memories. And yes, they can bring back smiles, tears, and hopes of reliving some of them. As time goes by, time will tell.

Why I Write

Proverbs 4:23
Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

If I put my thoughts into words, I tend to read and re-read what I have written to make sure what I have written makes sense and is not as likely to cause more trouble for myself. The context of guarding your heart includes not allowing corrupt things to come from your mouth. Again, writing forces me to determine how badly I want that thought to be out there for the world to hear.

My best friend in the entire world is 9 hours away. I love my family, my job, and the people here. Nothing replaces my best friend. She was there for me when the love of my life broke my heart, when my best friend crushed my heart and trust for mankind, when I walked across the stage, and many other adventure since our friendship. To say that I miss her would be the understatement of the century.

I know that we end up where we are in life for a reason. There is a reason I am here, and I know that good works are being done. I can't say that if I were given a choice to go pick up my life in Oklahoma I would go back. It would be a hard decision, but right now- here is where I belong.

Having that said, I can now say without any guilt that I am so completely homesick. I miss being able to call up Dani Rose and say I've had the most awful day, week, month of my life and within 20 minutes she will have me giggling and remind me of some of the times in life that has been worse. She would understand, and be able to give me answer when I ask, "when is the friendship worth mending, or just walk away?" "Should I really wears heel to work?" or one of my latest questions... "why, oh why did I agree to get a kitten?"

Seriously, she knows how awful I have always been at relationships, work wise, friendships, dating, enemies... I always get confused and feel awkward, so I end up saying what I mean (I seldom lie) but it always comes out hurtful or without even getting my point across.

We get to talk, but we are both living incredibly busy lives right now. My plan is to find time to actually ask her the aforementioned questions and get some answers. I guess he question I would add to that would be... "blind date- yes or no?" and "can I pull of the hippie look ok?"

Until then here is where I stand... fairly heart-broken (sometimes it can hurt worse when it's only a friendship), sore feet, sweet little kitten named Sheba... and as for the blind date. Well, I'll do what I always do, bail. As for the hippie look... I kinda like it, and so it stays. =)

This is why I write. It lets me acknowledge the pain, and as my daddy says, "put on my big girl britches and deal with." Monday- bring it on!

While I may be a low-maintenance person who rarely opens up to how I feel....when I do, it's probably been because I've been hurting for awhile. I just haven't had the nerves to put it out there for the world to read.

Dani Rose- I WLL come find you soon.