Piece by Piece

Knowledge and wisdom are priceless treasures to me. It's not the power that comes from either, but the journey to gaining both and the potential of good that can come from them. While I do not personally claim to be wise or full of knowledge- there are things that I have learned along the way. (For instance- if you give a baby applesauce.... they have great delight in spitting it right back at you)

The purpose of this blog is just as the title states- a work in progress. This particular title "piece by piece" is significant because I do believe as I search for who I am, and what purpose do I serve, I will need to keep pieces of my life, let go of some find others, and regain pieces I lost some time ago. It would make sense to start chronologically, but I truly fear the pain I would feel in having to relive some memories to grasp the exact pieces of me that I need to find and reclaim.

Being fair to anyone who actually reads this, I will go ahead an give a minimal description of how I'd like the ending work in progress to be. I hope that it will never be a "finished" work in progress. That would go against all quest for knowledge, wisdom, and spiritual growth. I would, however, like to say one day with confidence "I am a godly wife and mother to a family that devotes their life to God first and each other second." Wow. Again, I will saw wow The power of that statement doesn't become quite so literal until you type it, and are forced to read it. The implications of that statement alone are enough to make me want to admit defeat (fortunately defeat is not in my nature).

I whole-heartedly want to be a godly individual; and so that part of the statement doesn't strike fear in my heart, only a realization that I will always be a work in progress towards that goal. The next part of the statement though does bring some mild concerns. Yes, I did use the words: I, wife, and mother in the same sentence. I'll be truthful, there are no mild concerns with that, but a resonating chord of fear throughout my conscious. Cognitively, I am aware that once I find the man that puts God first in the relationship and our love is grows..... the anxiety of wanting to be a mother will work itself out.

So here is where I find myself in conflict. I confessed earlier that starting in chronological order would most likely bring up hard memories. For any of this to make sense... it requires that I start at the beginning. The key piece of me I need to reclaim to begin my journey towards being a successful work in process is that of risk-taking. Contrary to any outward manifestations, when it comes to my personal life I'd rather just hide and be safe that take a risk and subsequently fail. I have had great love, and loss. The piece of that experience that I kept was the joy in knowing that I had more love than some people will every experience in their life. A hard lesson I learned is that when relationships aren't designed with God first, they usually aren't successful. The piece I lost of myself is the piece of me that let me even attempt to find love to begin with. Consequently, I have since lost opportunities with amazing guys, and allowed myself to live in a world of isolation- with certain limitations.

So here is my resolve before my next entry- to regain the piece of me that was willing to risk it all. I want to do it God's way, and not mine own. And finally, be open to all knowledge and wisdom that comes in learning this lesson, no matter how painful, scary, or challenging it will be. I know that deep within me I have the strength for it, I just need to reclaim that piece of me to facilitate in recovering a piece, that I fear- may be broken and in need of repair.