As Raindrops Fall

Watching the storms growing up was, and is, one of my favorite things. When I was little, my best friend and I sat on the back porch watching the lightening. Instead of being terrified, it was peaceful. Cuddled up under the blankets with one of the dogs in my lap, everything in the world made sense.

I've always carried this peacefulness with me during storms. Given the large amount of rain lately I've definitely given consideration to whether or not I still feel the same peacefulness, or if I'm just tired of constantly being soaked. I've decided that I will always find peace in storms.

If I can just translate that peace into other areas of my life... things could be so much better. I have no problems standing in the rain watching a storm with the wind raging, but when it comes to take a simple risk in new friendships, dating, etc. it almost feels like I've been paralyzed. Each raindrop is unique, and the likelihood of lighting striking twice in the same place is slim. So why wouldn't this apply in other areas of life?

After leaving my hometown and moving on to new adventures, it seemed like everything would be like raindrops... all unique. For some time, this was the case. I met an incredible guy and found friendships that I will always treasure. It just seemed like the disappointments in myself began to creep up and I learned to just expect disappointment in others. I wish I knew why I perceive things like this. I have been very blessed in my life, and truly have seen more love than will ever know.

So as I watch it rain - whether the sideways rain of storm, big fat rain drops, slight mist that you're unsure if it is rain, or just a summer shower I sometimes close my eyes and go back to the porch cuddled up with a blanket, dog, and my best friend. At that moment in life the rain and storm brought excitement and fun, but also a sense of peacefulness that I recently have lost. This piece of me I will reclaim back. Terrified, busy, or just plain stubbornness won't keep me from making new memories in the rain, or reliving old ones (swinging, playing tag, the perfect kiss, water-balloon fights) So bring on the rain!

Fish Are Friends, Not Food

So I'm wrapped in my blankie getting ready to watch Sleeping Beauty (not ONE word about the blankie.... we've been through a lot together) and I see a preview for Finding Nemo. For any of the following to make sense you should understand the following about me- vivid imagination doesn't cover it. I am lucky enough to have one of those imaginations that allows for vivid dreams, and I also can find the most random tangents/parallels from just about anything. The following is the random connection I made from the Finding Nemo preview and my life:

Nemo was just out to have a little adventure when he finds himself scooped up and in a whole new world. His dad was able to find the courage to go out across the open ocean in search for his son. Now while I haven't crossed an open ocean alone, I have picked up and started over twice in my life. I still haven't found what I'm searching for... mostly because I don't know what I'm searching for, but I have faced some crazy people and situations along the way. Since it's been awhile since I've seen the entire movie, only a few connections came to mind.

While I don't have someone in my life who keeps forgetting what I'm looking for, I do have people in my life who convince me to "just keep swimming." It's almost the opposite of the movie. It's like I keep forgetting what I'm searching for, but they know & so they remind me to keep swimming. (This would be a good time to give a shout-out to the aforementioned blankie. I have traveled in and out of the country; moved, etc. with this blankie as a constant companion).

There has definitely been a time in my life when joined up with a bunch of turtles and rode the current.... Well, in reality they weren't turtles & we weren't under water. We did however, glide through life with a carefree attitude. I must say, this is were a lot of my best memories of college come from. It is refreshing to just live life without having to worry about the next house payment, bills, etc. Instead there were roadtrips, football games, and lost of fun.

I haven't had to join any kind of anonymous support group.... yet. However, I do feel like the two mantras I have in life: "I love my life" and " I love my job" are very similar to the "Fish are friends, not food" statement. It's like if I say I love my job enough times on the days that I feel like I don't love my job- something will come along and remind me that I do. Fortunately, something always happens to remind me of that. So I will stay steadfast to my mantra and let it keep working its magic.

The two things I look forward to finding parallel in my life are these: obviously to find whatever it is I'm searching for. Secondly, to have something in my life that is parallel to the game where they jump on the tops of the jellyfish. Now, I'm not sure I want the dangerous risk involved in that, but there isn't anyone out there who can honestly say that doesn't look like fun. Just hopping from one little cloud to the next.... I imagine that will kind of be like the honeymoon phase of a relationship.

So for now I leave you with these words of wisdom: just keep swimming; hang out with all the turtles you can; and find a jellyfish to jump on!

I now go back to the movie Sleeping Beauty where they are singing Once Upon A Dream - one of my all-time favorite songs. Now here comes a random tangent... her name is Aurora... I was born in Aurora.... so Prince... I'll just be waiting :)

She threw down my dolly!

There's nothing as sweet as the smile of a small child when you are able to fix their problem. It may be something as small picking up the barrette that fell out of a little girl's hair and putting it back in. Somehow, it doesn't matter that the barrette is completely misplaced, and will fall out in a matter of moments. For that moment in time- the problem is solved.

Now, being a new auntie I am quickly learning the "throw it down, pick it up game." Actually, I should say re-learning it. Surprisingly enough, there was a time in my life when I was a nanny. Yes, I watched a beautiful little girl on a full time basis- and I loved it. :) There are a few lessons I have managed to forget that I learned during that time. This game being one of them. So I am learning patience as I re-learn to play this game with my nephew. Me being the small over-achiever I am, have been helping out with a children's class so that I can learn all of the songs to sing to him, etc. So I am learning to be really good at picking it up game, and acting surprised and proud each time they are so happy to get it back. I'll repeat for those with memory problems- I'm learning patience.

Now, I am in no way minimizing the severity of the problem of when you lose a barrette or drop your rabbit. When I was younger.... MUCH younger..... I got in a fight at church. Yep, at church. In my defense, she threw down my dolly! Now it's only fair to tell the whole story. My daddy was a deacon, and her daddy.... well he was the Preacher. So yes, I got in a fight with the Preacher's daughter. Again.... she threw down my dolly. Now when I say fight, I don't mean just the back and forth yelling. I'm talking all-out on the floor in the foyer rolling around, pulling hair, scratching, as mean as a third grader could get. And I had a big brother who loved to pick on me, so yes- I could be mean.

I tell this lovely story about myself for this point- that night I lay in my bed so upset. I couldn't sleep. I had just got in, what I thought was a life ending, fight with my best friend over a dumb doll. In my mind, I truly believed that she would never speak to me again, and I felt so lost. I'm sure this could go without saying, but yes- my parents were horrified of my behavior and there is no doubt in my mind that I was punished somehow. I couldn't tell you what the punishment was. All I remember is that I honestly didn't know if my friend would every speak to me again.

As I was laying there, convinced the world was ending... my parents told me that someone was there to see me. Now it was way past both of our bedtimes, but apparently my best friend was having the same trouble sleeping that I was. The second I saw her, I remember jumping up and running to her to hug her. There was no need for I'm sorry or I didn't mean it. We just hugged, and that was the end of that. The point of the story... NEVER throw down my doll. No seriously, I thought her parents were heroes for bringing her over after bedtime (she was 1 of 4 children) and my parents were heroes for letting me talk to her - even though I was in trouble and it was way past my bedtime.

My goal- to try and make a difference in someone's life each day that will bring a smile like that of seeing my best friend that night. It's little bits and pieces of life like these that make the bad times.... well not so bad. :-)

From Leap Frog to Baby Steps

One day, almost a year and a half ago, along came a chance of a lifetime.... This would be the opening line of my autobiography, if I were to tell the tale of when little country girl Jeana Rae graduated law school and hoped to move to the "South" for the start of something new.

How in the world does my tale of taking on the South involve leap frog? Don't worry, as odd as it may sound - there is a correlation. Anyone who knows me minimally, knows that I haven't exactly followed the ordinary road. I've always played some form of leap-frog throughout my life. So when I had to relinquish the title/job "Student,", I chose to take the way less traveled, which came naturally to me. I leapt my way 3 states over, and started a career in higher education. To be more specific, and a good story always needs the details- I went from being the student who was mischievous and spent as much time goofing off as studying, to being the individual responsible for making sure the students followed the rules (with as little mischief as possible).

So to continue my story, I put on my cowboy boots, packed up everything I own (and some that I "borrowed") and headed to the South. The trip out was full of sad goodbyes, new adventures, and anxious arrivals. Having lived on my own for 6 years, I was anxious to not just being moving 3 states away, but moving BACK IN WITH THE PARENTS. (Very quickly I mention the ultimate pro & con of moving back home: Pro- full refrigerator- and not of molded food Con- always having give an account of the who, what, when you'll be back, etc.) And I will give credit to the little laundry fairy. My clothes went down the laundry chute, and magically came by up clean and folded. Yes, I said laundry chute. This is probably an obvious assumption- but I will make note. I debated both of the following: finding a stray cat to drop down the chute and see if she got stuck, and waiting until my parents were in the basement and dropping some lit fireworks from the top floor and letting them pop all the way down to the basement. (we can all thank my wise sister-in-law for talking me out of both.... although if you're ever missing a cat... well you know where to look)

Me, being the adventurous one I am, leapt into my work 3 days after arriving to this new world. I very quickly learned a handful of lessons. Here are some of the ones I feel might be most appreciated: Southern hospitality is not a myth, but fact; it is possible to work yourself so tired you can fall up & fall down the stairs in one trip; and no matter how scared you are- a good bluff can do wonders.

Throughout the next year, I seemed to leap my way from one major event to the next. Homecoming, Thanksgiving, Finals, Christmas, Spring Break, Making Music, Finals, Graduation... and the events in between are still a blur in my memory. History lesson: we played leap frog in soccer practice in high school. No, for those who are curious, I was not good at it. I was just as clumsy then as I am now. However, there is a definite parallel in the feeling of leaping over one hurdle to the next and never getting a change to stop, look back, and reflect. Just to throw a twist in the story, I'll add this detail... around Christmas I became an Aunt. So preparing for the arrival of a nephew was also thrown into the mix for the fall semester.

The result of my year long game of leap frog is that I survived. Without the chance to look back and reflect, it's possible to miss the ache in your heart for your best friend, or the smell of the hay in the pastures, or the bustle of the workers at the Capitol. Naturally, to regain pieces of me that I have misplaced, broken, or just abandoned requires that I stop playing leap frog and actually take some baby steps in my life.

I do believe there were some baby steps taking throughout my year of leap frog, but they were few and far between. So now I have resolved to take the baby steps and find those pieces. Although I consider myself at this time to be a little homesick, I have gained this important grain of wisdom. Taking baby steps can lead to wonderful revelations in life. For example, tonight I was able to take a small step and spend some time socially with some of my co-workers. Luckily for me, these co-workers are much more than just someone I have to interact with at work on a daily basis. They are my friends and my family. While I am still struggling to find a place "socially" that I fit in (Missie literally was going to get me a t-shirt made that said the following, "young enough to date you, old enough to be your Dean"). I will be honest- it can be a bit challenging to be the baby of the office (although qualified) and at the same time, be the same generation of the student's I'm expected to guide. Yes, for the curious- there are students older than me & I have dated individuals back home that were as young as some of my students. End result: lots of challenging frustrations, gummy worms, and diet coke.

Taking it one small step at a time I will find the places where I fit in (and luckily I'm able to blend in pretty well to several groups). Until that time comes, I am satisfied knowing that I am surrounded by Christian brothers and sisters who I am blessed to know. I also have family close by who will always be there when I need them. To me, it's more important that I am doing what is willed for me than to be what I would determine "socially successful."

Piece by Piece

Knowledge and wisdom are priceless treasures to me. It's not the power that comes from either, but the journey to gaining both and the potential of good that can come from them. While I do not personally claim to be wise or full of knowledge- there are things that I have learned along the way. (For instance- if you give a baby applesauce.... they have great delight in spitting it right back at you)

The purpose of this blog is just as the title states- a work in progress. This particular title "piece by piece" is significant because I do believe as I search for who I am, and what purpose do I serve, I will need to keep pieces of my life, let go of some find others, and regain pieces I lost some time ago. It would make sense to start chronologically, but I truly fear the pain I would feel in having to relive some memories to grasp the exact pieces of me that I need to find and reclaim.

Being fair to anyone who actually reads this, I will go ahead an give a minimal description of how I'd like the ending work in progress to be. I hope that it will never be a "finished" work in progress. That would go against all quest for knowledge, wisdom, and spiritual growth. I would, however, like to say one day with confidence "I am a godly wife and mother to a family that devotes their life to God first and each other second." Wow. Again, I will saw wow The power of that statement doesn't become quite so literal until you type it, and are forced to read it. The implications of that statement alone are enough to make me want to admit defeat (fortunately defeat is not in my nature).

I whole-heartedly want to be a godly individual; and so that part of the statement doesn't strike fear in my heart, only a realization that I will always be a work in progress towards that goal. The next part of the statement though does bring some mild concerns. Yes, I did use the words: I, wife, and mother in the same sentence. I'll be truthful, there are no mild concerns with that, but a resonating chord of fear throughout my conscious. Cognitively, I am aware that once I find the man that puts God first in the relationship and our love is grows..... the anxiety of wanting to be a mother will work itself out.

So here is where I find myself in conflict. I confessed earlier that starting in chronological order would most likely bring up hard memories. For any of this to make sense... it requires that I start at the beginning. The key piece of me I need to reclaim to begin my journey towards being a successful work in process is that of risk-taking. Contrary to any outward manifestations, when it comes to my personal life I'd rather just hide and be safe that take a risk and subsequently fail. I have had great love, and loss. The piece of that experience that I kept was the joy in knowing that I had more love than some people will every experience in their life. A hard lesson I learned is that when relationships aren't designed with God first, they usually aren't successful. The piece I lost of myself is the piece of me that let me even attempt to find love to begin with. Consequently, I have since lost opportunities with amazing guys, and allowed myself to live in a world of isolation- with certain limitations.

So here is my resolve before my next entry- to regain the piece of me that was willing to risk it all. I want to do it God's way, and not mine own. And finally, be open to all knowledge and wisdom that comes in learning this lesson, no matter how painful, scary, or challenging it will be. I know that deep within me I have the strength for it, I just need to reclaim that piece of me to facilitate in recovering a piece, that I fear- may be broken and in need of repair.