Earlier this week, I did something that was incredibly difficult for me. By nature it takes a lot for me to open up about the way I feel, and even more so to put it writing. So what bright idea did I get? Well, let's take my erratic thoughts, put them on paper, and send them to someone whom I have barely been talking to.
I feel like that would be enough to scare anyone off. So WHY ON EARTH WOULD I DO SUCH A THING?! I guess because the older I have become the more I realize that honesty is the best policy. I would rather tell the truth and it scare someone or make them realize that it's just not meant to be. I know that honesty is a scary scary thing. I learned that lesson tonight with some new information I received. But again, I think one of the best things about being honest, is when honesty is received openly and there is a chance to face it together.
I know that no matter what happens in the next month, my family will be close by. I don't really know much beyond that, but I do know that I am loved, and that I have a great support system with my family. My only hope is that one day I can be the same support system for someone else. I have always been loyal and found those who are disloyal to not be worthy of such a relationship with me.
But what is worst of all.... silence. Silence leaves so many unanswered questions.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Monday, March 21, 2011
What IF
Everywhere I have been, every decision I've made has a little part in making me who I am today. So, while I've wondered "what if" from time to time, it's never been in a regretful way. I have often wondered how certain things would have gone if they had played out differently.
But this "what if" is mainly about what could be. What if I had the courage to make the changes that are running through my mind. And, I guess, when does it go from being a passing moment of home-sickness that will pass to a true desire for something more? I can't say that I've ever been a real big risk-taker. So for me to consider leaving something that is already great and I'm surrounded by people that I love to the unknown...well - it's terrifying to think it could be a disaster.
So, what if I had the courage to say I wish I could do something different. Or, I wish I could prove that I'm not like everyone else and that there is something different about me. Something loyal and good - just give me a chance. This past break has been an amazing one, but it's given me the time to actually think about what I want. What used to be so clearly defined in my mind of how things were going to be has just been turned upside down.
But this "what if" is mainly about what could be. What if I had the courage to make the changes that are running through my mind. And, I guess, when does it go from being a passing moment of home-sickness that will pass to a true desire for something more? I can't say that I've ever been a real big risk-taker. So for me to consider leaving something that is already great and I'm surrounded by people that I love to the unknown...well - it's terrifying to think it could be a disaster.
So, what if I had the courage to say I wish I could do something different. Or, I wish I could prove that I'm not like everyone else and that there is something different about me. Something loyal and good - just give me a chance. This past break has been an amazing one, but it's given me the time to actually think about what I want. What used to be so clearly defined in my mind of how things were going to be has just been turned upside down.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Why's It So Hard?
What is so darn hard about saying the things that we mean to say?! I can talk you in circles until neither you nor I know what the original topic of conversation was. I can't however simply say, I had fun with you. We should do that again. Or, we haven't hung out in awhile..let's do something. I guess for people to say what they mean puts yourself out there to get rejected and that's just not a risk worth taking. I know I've missed out on things because I refuse to take the risk. This is something I'd like to do better on. Think of how much fun I could have :)
Sunday, February 20, 2011
I believe
I and believe are two words that can encompass such a world of thoughts, but place them side by side- suddenly "I believe" has turned into a powerful phrase.
Similar to black and white...most people either believe in something or they don't believe in it. Granted there are areas of thought that we might not know what to believe, simply out of ignorance, too much information, or laziness. Our beliefs are what define the very being of who we are.
Having that said, our beliefs are worth far more than naming any price. Depending on the nature of the belief, some are worth dying for. One of the lessons I remember being taught was how important it is to stand up for what you believe in. So why is something that seems like it would be so natural, so hard sometimes?! If beliefs are what make us who we are, and we are so willing to step aside sometimes, then who are we really?
I believe in love. Why, well sometimes I'm not sure of that...but deep down I wholeheartedly believe in love. I believe that somewhere someone is a match for you. What you do with that is complete free will. I believe that music really can help heal the heart. Music is one of those amazing phenomenons that can occasionally be life-changing. I could go into my beliefs on religion and politics...but the point of this blog is not what I believe.
It's about what I choose to do with what I believe. Lately, I can name a couple of times that I have chosen not to stand for what I believe. It really doesn't sit well with me. It's kind of like saying the words you were thinking, but you really shouldn't have said. Once the moment is passed you can't take it back. You can, however, resolve to do better next time.
That's what this blog is about, I guess, is doing better. Standing up for our beliefs is more than saying I believe, it's about knowing who you are as a person and standing firm in this. I guess this makes that one of those stepping stone blogs. A work in progress is about learning who I am. The next step in that logically is to stand for who that person is.
Similar to black and white...most people either believe in something or they don't believe in it. Granted there are areas of thought that we might not know what to believe, simply out of ignorance, too much information, or laziness. Our beliefs are what define the very being of who we are.
Having that said, our beliefs are worth far more than naming any price. Depending on the nature of the belief, some are worth dying for. One of the lessons I remember being taught was how important it is to stand up for what you believe in. So why is something that seems like it would be so natural, so hard sometimes?! If beliefs are what make us who we are, and we are so willing to step aside sometimes, then who are we really?
I believe in love. Why, well sometimes I'm not sure of that...but deep down I wholeheartedly believe in love. I believe that somewhere someone is a match for you. What you do with that is complete free will. I believe that music really can help heal the heart. Music is one of those amazing phenomenons that can occasionally be life-changing. I could go into my beliefs on religion and politics...but the point of this blog is not what I believe.
It's about what I choose to do with what I believe. Lately, I can name a couple of times that I have chosen not to stand for what I believe. It really doesn't sit well with me. It's kind of like saying the words you were thinking, but you really shouldn't have said. Once the moment is passed you can't take it back. You can, however, resolve to do better next time.
That's what this blog is about, I guess, is doing better. Standing up for our beliefs is more than saying I believe, it's about knowing who you are as a person and standing firm in this. I guess this makes that one of those stepping stone blogs. A work in progress is about learning who I am. The next step in that logically is to stand for who that person is.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Here's to All Our Loved Ones
"Here is to all our loved ones, wherever they may be."
Looking up at the night sky staring at the stars, there can be no doubt that God is incredible. If He can create the sun, moon, and stars among all the other wonderful miracles of life, then how can one doubt that God has a plan for each of us. That plan may not always be a road of laughter and fond memories, but I am beginning to feel confident that the road is there for us to travel. So I am watching this movie, and it's reminding me of all the loved ones that have been in my life, are in my life, and I am sure are still to come. I guess it's about having the faith and staying on the path designed for me allowing me to meet these wonderful people that can be such a challenge.
The stars can shine through fog, clouds, and whatever tries to cover these miraculous wonders. So too does love shine through the obstacles that get in the way. Like the stars, a love that shines so true, can only be most appreciated when one takes the time to look up and see through the clouds and whatever else may try and cover up what has the potential to shine so bright.
So, Here's to all our loved ones, wherever they may be.
Looking up at the night sky staring at the stars, there can be no doubt that God is incredible. If He can create the sun, moon, and stars among all the other wonderful miracles of life, then how can one doubt that God has a plan for each of us. That plan may not always be a road of laughter and fond memories, but I am beginning to feel confident that the road is there for us to travel. So I am watching this movie, and it's reminding me of all the loved ones that have been in my life, are in my life, and I am sure are still to come. I guess it's about having the faith and staying on the path designed for me allowing me to meet these wonderful people that can be such a challenge.
The stars can shine through fog, clouds, and whatever tries to cover these miraculous wonders. So too does love shine through the obstacles that get in the way. Like the stars, a love that shines so true, can only be most appreciated when one takes the time to look up and see through the clouds and whatever else may try and cover up what has the potential to shine so bright.
So, Here's to all our loved ones, wherever they may be.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Time for Sleep or Reflection
I have found myself up at 4 in the morning quite a few nights now. Believe me this is not a choice. I take enough medicine to help me sleep it would probably put a normal person out for a day. Oh well. The night is a time when the brain uses the body to repair itself. I'm not quite sure how it works....either I need a lot of help, or I am doing really good. :)
I have been very blessed to have 2 friends from another country come to school here this semester. While we have been able to keep in touch via email, skype, instant chat, etc. There is nothing like being able to give them a hug and see by the look on their face how their day has been.
In self-reflection, I know that I tend to forget the importance on personal interaction with others. I have always just been okay with texting, email, etc. But the longer I am away from Oklahoma the more I realize how wrong I am. There are certain people that God brings into your life for a reason. Sometimes this can be for a short time, or a life-time. I believe with Dani, it's for a life-time. We miss out on each other's lives so much. There really aren't words to describe how badly I miss her. She is more than a friend, she's a sister to me. She has always given me the basic down to earth advice I needed, when she knew I really needed it. She also knew when a little fun was just what I needed. So I am now patiently waiting for payday so I can go visit her. I have so much to tell her and to ask her opinion on.
The beginning of this semester has been crazy busy. I have consciously tried to hang out with people more, and that has been a lot easier since the ones I have been around are truly some of the closest friends I have. I am much more comfortable around them, and so this has been a good improvement for me. For me, right now, this is the happiest I have been in a long time. I think because I will be seeing Dani soon, I've been able to spend time with the family, and catch up with some really good friends. Oh, and Mort is back inside again as an in-door/outdoor house dog. Unfortunately, after biting me, Drill Bit ran away. I have tried doing everything I can to look for him, but nothing has worked. That is something that has been not so fun lately.
Now if I could just sleep..........
I have been very blessed to have 2 friends from another country come to school here this semester. While we have been able to keep in touch via email, skype, instant chat, etc. There is nothing like being able to give them a hug and see by the look on their face how their day has been.
In self-reflection, I know that I tend to forget the importance on personal interaction with others. I have always just been okay with texting, email, etc. But the longer I am away from Oklahoma the more I realize how wrong I am. There are certain people that God brings into your life for a reason. Sometimes this can be for a short time, or a life-time. I believe with Dani, it's for a life-time. We miss out on each other's lives so much. There really aren't words to describe how badly I miss her. She is more than a friend, she's a sister to me. She has always given me the basic down to earth advice I needed, when she knew I really needed it. She also knew when a little fun was just what I needed. So I am now patiently waiting for payday so I can go visit her. I have so much to tell her and to ask her opinion on.
The beginning of this semester has been crazy busy. I have consciously tried to hang out with people more, and that has been a lot easier since the ones I have been around are truly some of the closest friends I have. I am much more comfortable around them, and so this has been a good improvement for me. For me, right now, this is the happiest I have been in a long time. I think because I will be seeing Dani soon, I've been able to spend time with the family, and catch up with some really good friends. Oh, and Mort is back inside again as an in-door/outdoor house dog. Unfortunately, after biting me, Drill Bit ran away. I have tried doing everything I can to look for him, but nothing has worked. That is something that has been not so fun lately.
Now if I could just sleep..........
Monday, December 20, 2010
Letters and Numbers
It amazes me how two number 51, or I don't feel the same, you were wrong this time, etc. It seems that wherever we go we can be haunted by these symbols and characters that follow us around. Taunting us, reminding us of our dreams, failures, almosts, and successes.
What about the number 28. While I could give you a textbook list of accomplishes and other important achievements, I still can't answer the basic question "who am I" and "what do I want to be doing"? I love my job, but my dream job is to be a missionary out in the field doing God's work. I feel like somewhere deep down inside me it's there....waiting....my potential. I just stay so overwhelmed and struggling to stay afloat that it keeps getting pushed back. So the biggest number i see is zero- which is about my confidence level these days.
So if you see me I don't necessarily answer or response it means I'm in my own little world trying to make a peace with myself that will allow me to face the world. It is much harder for some of than for others. And lately it's been a real struggle. I am not the type to talk through things, and did quite a bit of that earlier....it didn't work out so well. So please pray that this slump will go away soon. And if you know me on a more personal level.... please be patient and forgiving if it seems like I am bailing on you. It's not that I don't enjoy speaking or being with you..right now I am just haven't to work a little harder on myself for awhile.
Yes, I need help and prayers. I am not ready to talk it through yet though, so please be patient. And I know you will try to be because I am surrounded by amazing people. I just wish I could be amazing for them back.
What about the number 28. While I could give you a textbook list of accomplishes and other important achievements, I still can't answer the basic question "who am I" and "what do I want to be doing"? I love my job, but my dream job is to be a missionary out in the field doing God's work. I feel like somewhere deep down inside me it's there....waiting....my potential. I just stay so overwhelmed and struggling to stay afloat that it keeps getting pushed back. So the biggest number i see is zero- which is about my confidence level these days.
So if you see me I don't necessarily answer or response it means I'm in my own little world trying to make a peace with myself that will allow me to face the world. It is much harder for some of than for others. And lately it's been a real struggle. I am not the type to talk through things, and did quite a bit of that earlier....it didn't work out so well. So please pray that this slump will go away soon. And if you know me on a more personal level.... please be patient and forgiving if it seems like I am bailing on you. It's not that I don't enjoy speaking or being with you..right now I am just haven't to work a little harder on myself for awhile.
Yes, I need help and prayers. I am not ready to talk it through yet though, so please be patient. And I know you will try to be because I am surrounded by amazing people. I just wish I could be amazing for them back.
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