Foreward:
I'm watching one of my favorite movies, and one of the best lines is coming up- so I'll share. "We must all fear evil men. but there is another kind of evil which we must fear most, and that is the indifference of good men." Wow. That is a powerful statement.
Boondock Saints
Blog:
The titel of the blog is "in a good place." I have learned in the past couple of months that no matter how healthy you feel physically, emotionally, or spiritually- your surroundings can have a huge impact on bringing you up or dragging you down. A wise woman stated that the only way to feel inferior is to let someone make you feel inferior. Eleanor Roosevelt said that. (Although that is not the direct quote, it's the principle of the issue).
Spending time away from home & returning has led me to create a lot of mental lists. My OCD kicks in at some point, and so I give in to the whims and create the lists just to keep myself from becoming to obsessive. These lists have been: what is it about my life down there, that I know needs to be alive in me here. Or what part of my life up here did I manage to sacrifice down there, and realize that I can truly live without. Are my priorities set in the wrong place? There are a lot of lists like this running through my mind.
Here is the biggest one: what is keeping me from being happy; or put another way, what can I do to be happy?
While this may seem to be a selfish statement, especially given the paragraphs above, for someone who truly knows me, they know a lot of my life is given with others in mind and little to myself. At the true core of myself I want to serve God, and do His will. My interpretation of that is that one day in the future I will do foreign mission work. If God has other plans for me, I will be okay with that as well. I have learned that in life we have to adjust, and so I pray that that I will have the wisdom to recognize and not fight what God's will is for me. I do well away from home. It's because I have the faith that my family is still walking in the Lord's path and they are supporting me.
To me, whether it be taking off on my own and serving God in a foreign field, or finding someone who shares the same love and passions I do to work with... it is in my future. I have felt for a long time now that there has been a weight on m chest holding me back. Something has been keeping me from acting like I am in my 20s. I realize that I am not so young, but when I think about why people my age are doing.... my mind comes up blank. I started this blog to find myself along a journey. All I have found so far is that my tolerance for a child's vomit is growing, I am strong enough to stand up and ask for what I want/need at work, but I have no idea what I want or need in my personal life.
I have had the pleasure to meet a lot of nice guys this summer, in fact an incredibly sweet guy. I wouldn't know what to do, or where to go and any thought of impossibility would make me stop cold. Friends.. I am great at that. I could be incredibly attracted to the person, and if I know I don't have to worry about crossing a line... there is no stress for me. If only I could carry that over.
My goal: the next blog will have something in it that I have accomplished as young girl my age. Not an employee, daughter, sister, etc... but as me. =)
By the way, I am open to suggestions for fun activities I should be doing. My mind is literally drawing a blank =(
Monday, June 28, 2010
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Top 3 Questions
Not that I don't mind repeating myself... which incidentally I do, I thought I'd make it simple and just post answers to the 3 most likely answers I have been asked:
1. How was Brasil? It was amazing. The country is beautiful, and the people are so nice. Yes, I am glad to be back and see my family. Do I want to go back? Of course.
2. Am I dating someone? No. Not only am I not married, engaged, or dating... I don't plan on being- any time soon. I am single, and perfectly happy that way. I have amazing friends, and right now I'm not up for the risk.
3. How is work? Work is great. We are getting ready for the incoming Fall 2010 freshman. We are expecting some great students this year. They are remodeling the cafeteria that was above me. Now, I hear construction above me all day, and there is a cafeteria right outside our office door. Upside- if I get hungry... I hear the food is remarkably better.
Hopefully, this will help with curiosities.
1. How was Brasil? It was amazing. The country is beautiful, and the people are so nice. Yes, I am glad to be back and see my family. Do I want to go back? Of course.
2. Am I dating someone? No. Not only am I not married, engaged, or dating... I don't plan on being- any time soon. I am single, and perfectly happy that way. I have amazing friends, and right now I'm not up for the risk.
3. How is work? Work is great. We are getting ready for the incoming Fall 2010 freshman. We are expecting some great students this year. They are remodeling the cafeteria that was above me. Now, I hear construction above me all day, and there is a cafeteria right outside our office door. Upside- if I get hungry... I hear the food is remarkably better.
Hopefully, this will help with curiosities.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Adventures & Shenanigans
Okay, I've been home for exactly one week- so here is my blog:
The campaign was amazing. It was unlike any campaign I have been on before. I am accustomed to medical campaigns, or working with the children's home. This was a door-knocking campaign. The group that went was made up of a random group of people, but it all worked out really well. We got to meet so many new people, take the Word to those who needed it, and build relationships in the process.
When I left for the trip I had a walking boot on my left foot. I was in week 4ish of recovery from some torn ligaments, because I fell down some stairs. I was able to ditch the boot & ankle brace about a week and half in. It might have been sooner, but I couldn't resist playing soccer with the children. It was worth it. :) There are a couple of others things that slowed down recovery, but worth it.
When it came time to fly back on Sunday with the group, I had a major decision to make. Stay or go. Looking back, it was a no brainer, but at the time I wasn't sure. In fact, I made it to the airport, bags packed, etc. to board the plane. I didn't. Not getting on that plane was the best decision I have made in months. I wasn't sure where I would stay, or what I would be doing - but I knew that it was the right thing to do.
It was an AMAZING week! I got to hang out with one of my best friends, meet new people, see new places. I met some incredible people. Coming back to the States was really hard for me. It has been hard to explain, and I haven't done well at trying to explain. I guess I'll try here and see what happens: in Brasil, I got to be me- Jeana. I wasn't someone's daughter, an employee, sister, etc. I got to be me. If I was referred to as anything it was American friend. There were no expectations from the people I was with, or met, that I was to be a certain way. I was able to be me, and make decisions based on what I wanted and not what someone else wanted for me. I haven't really been able to be like that in months and months.
Random adventure: I went with Icaro's mom to San Paulo to visit his sister. I wasn't too worried that I speak basically no Portuguese, and his mother speaks very little English. People have a way of communicating when they need to. Plus, if Icaro said I would be safe and have fun I believed him. I was and I did. I got to not only hang out with his sister, but I got to meet some interns from ACU and learn about their work down there. The trip to San Paulo was much too short, but I loved every part of it.
Random outing: some of us went to the movies. Yes, the movie was in English with Portuguese subtitles. I think some of the translation was definitely lost on Icaro and Breno. It made me appreciate the fact that these amazing movies are filmed in my language, and I don't have to worry about things like phrases being lost in translation. Anyway, we went on to go eat etc. and have an amazing night. =)
and then came Goodbye. Icaro, his mom, and Breno all came to the airport with me. I don't mind traveling alone. In fact, I almost prefer it that way. But waiting to go through security and say goodbye was so hard. So hard doesn't really explain it. It was really hard to say by to Icaro's mom. She took me in for a week and treated me like family. She is a truly amazing mother to Icaro and I can understand why he misses her when he's in the US. It's also incredibly difficult to say goodbye to such a sweet guy like Breno, when you haven't got to spend nearly enough time as you'd like with him. Then there's Icaro. He's my best guy friend. Of course it's hard to leave. Especially when they are saying to stay. I made a deal with my father that if I could stay longer, I would be home before they left for Maine. I got back Monday evening, they left Wednesday midmorning.
So now I'm back, but part of my heart is still there. I am still in contact with some of the people i met, and I fully believe I will go back soon. Until then, I will continue to try and be the best I can be at my job. It's not going to come at the expense of my life or any fun though. There has got to be a balance, and my goal is to find that balance this summer.
The campaign was amazing. It was unlike any campaign I have been on before. I am accustomed to medical campaigns, or working with the children's home. This was a door-knocking campaign. The group that went was made up of a random group of people, but it all worked out really well. We got to meet so many new people, take the Word to those who needed it, and build relationships in the process.
When I left for the trip I had a walking boot on my left foot. I was in week 4ish of recovery from some torn ligaments, because I fell down some stairs. I was able to ditch the boot & ankle brace about a week and half in. It might have been sooner, but I couldn't resist playing soccer with the children. It was worth it. :) There are a couple of others things that slowed down recovery, but worth it.
When it came time to fly back on Sunday with the group, I had a major decision to make. Stay or go. Looking back, it was a no brainer, but at the time I wasn't sure. In fact, I made it to the airport, bags packed, etc. to board the plane. I didn't. Not getting on that plane was the best decision I have made in months. I wasn't sure where I would stay, or what I would be doing - but I knew that it was the right thing to do.
It was an AMAZING week! I got to hang out with one of my best friends, meet new people, see new places. I met some incredible people. Coming back to the States was really hard for me. It has been hard to explain, and I haven't done well at trying to explain. I guess I'll try here and see what happens: in Brasil, I got to be me- Jeana. I wasn't someone's daughter, an employee, sister, etc. I got to be me. If I was referred to as anything it was American friend. There were no expectations from the people I was with, or met, that I was to be a certain way. I was able to be me, and make decisions based on what I wanted and not what someone else wanted for me. I haven't really been able to be like that in months and months.
Random adventure: I went with Icaro's mom to San Paulo to visit his sister. I wasn't too worried that I speak basically no Portuguese, and his mother speaks very little English. People have a way of communicating when they need to. Plus, if Icaro said I would be safe and have fun I believed him. I was and I did. I got to not only hang out with his sister, but I got to meet some interns from ACU and learn about their work down there. The trip to San Paulo was much too short, but I loved every part of it.
Random outing: some of us went to the movies. Yes, the movie was in English with Portuguese subtitles. I think some of the translation was definitely lost on Icaro and Breno. It made me appreciate the fact that these amazing movies are filmed in my language, and I don't have to worry about things like phrases being lost in translation. Anyway, we went on to go eat etc. and have an amazing night. =)
and then came Goodbye. Icaro, his mom, and Breno all came to the airport with me. I don't mind traveling alone. In fact, I almost prefer it that way. But waiting to go through security and say goodbye was so hard. So hard doesn't really explain it. It was really hard to say by to Icaro's mom. She took me in for a week and treated me like family. She is a truly amazing mother to Icaro and I can understand why he misses her when he's in the US. It's also incredibly difficult to say goodbye to such a sweet guy like Breno, when you haven't got to spend nearly enough time as you'd like with him. Then there's Icaro. He's my best guy friend. Of course it's hard to leave. Especially when they are saying to stay. I made a deal with my father that if I could stay longer, I would be home before they left for Maine. I got back Monday evening, they left Wednesday midmorning.
So now I'm back, but part of my heart is still there. I am still in contact with some of the people i met, and I fully believe I will go back soon. Until then, I will continue to try and be the best I can be at my job. It's not going to come at the expense of my life or any fun though. There has got to be a balance, and my goal is to find that balance this summer.
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