Less than Worthless-

Knowledge has been somewhat of a friend of mine over the years. When I was a small child the knowledge usually involved rules that my brother had broken or secrets and things like that. As I grew older, it became my own secrets and then ultimately matured into just random facts. I have always love to learn. If I am not challenged to think critically, or outside the box, then I usually put my cleverness up to things of mischief. This has resulted in me acquiring knowledge over the years that literally is less than worthless in the long run. While I can explain what the Siren's song is, or the origin of a word... none of it will help me when I breathe my last breath. What I would love to accomplish in life is not to acquire useless knowledge that, while it can be amusing at time, really is no legacy to leave behind. I come from an incredibly smart family. My father and mother both were educated and have taught me incredibly important life lessons. Daddy- well, he taught me how to think logically and critically.... and that no matter how many blonde moments I have, there's still hope. My mother taught me my favorite recipes, what is not acceptable to wear in public, how to act "ladylike" and how important it is to pray and thank God for my opportunities instead of whine about life. Then there's my big brother. Wow. There aren't words enough to explain what he has taught me over the years. Top three lessons: unconditional loyalty, important of creativity, and how to throw a mean right hook. When someone is asked to describe me one day I hope that they will be able to say that I passed along the wisdom of my family, friends, and most importantly the Bible. It doesn't matter if I know the lyrics to a song, or what's in fashion (not that I'd know either of those) but the origin of certain words, what is true in the law...but when asked to describe me they will say that I was able to pass along the Truth and what it means to be loved. There's a storm coming, and I can feel it. It comes in the form of a challenge to which I can only hope that I am up to the task. I have the complete support of friends and family, and the faith that with God it's possible. So why do I feel so unsure about it.... I guess because at the end of the day it's still a change- and that is always a little apprehensive. Now, if I can just manage to be prepared for the storm, find the courage to say hello to that guy I've thought about, inspire incredibleness in others, follow the Truth of God's Word, and make it to work on time... I'll say the beginnings of a list might actually be checked off. Actually, they will just result in a longer to do list. Good think I love lists! Some useless wisdom to leave the reader with: I love orange skittles the most! And remember this: Most men pursue pleasure with such breathless haste that they hurry past it. –Kierkegaard

Those Pearly Gates

Those Pearly Gates. A place where there are no tears of loneliness, or waiting for the big gesture. What a magnificent place where our entire existence is to magnify and worship our God. We are called to walk like Jesus on this Earth, and our aim to be worthy of honor.

Unfortunately we get side-tracked by this thing called humanity. Our flesh and bone literally can stop us from being able to worship God to our fullest desires; our minds riddled with thoughts of the outside world and sin fighting to win over the good in us. In reality, all that really needs to happen is for a little darkness or doubt to find its home in your heart and things can go downhill from there.

Humanity can also keep us so busy and so focused on our emotions that we forget our ultimate aim is to glorify God here on Earth. Loving someone with a desire to be loved back to the point that you forget what blessings you already have from God sidetracks us.

In order to try and grasp what Heaven must be like, I am trying to grapple with the idea of humanity. There is so much to humanity that one could never write enough about it in one setting. If I were to write about what is currently running through my brain it would be hunger, grief, pain, laughter, and desire. The paradoxical sense of that statement itself is one of the things that, to me, makes humanity so beautiful.

We are only give one shot at humanity, and I know that I have spent too much time being "in the human world" and not enough time thanking my wonderful God for allowing me the opportunity to be human. I would love to think that I am going to spend more time enjoying the blessing that I have, and caring less for the human desires that I may have that are not to God's will. I understand that this will take my entire life to try and master, and that I will never achieve it fully. I take heart in knowing that as I try and follow Jesus's footsteps I am not walking alone. For He will be there by my side the entire way. Worthy of Heaven, I am not...nor will I ever be. Ready for Heaven and a bigger calling... most definitely.

A Little Bit at a Time

Driving for 9 hours straight can definitely give a person time to think. What could have been, should have been, what could be... and sometimes you come to the realization that some things may just never be. So what if it's never meant to be? Is it what you really wanted in the first place, or is it just the idea of it. Somewhere deep in my heart it feels like it's saying just be patient, and it will come.

God's time. That is something I have not been doing so well with lately. I've spent a lot of time in prayer about it. I know that we are to pray for what we want and that our prayers will be answered in God's time. So maybe my heart just needs a xanax and I need to chill out. I keep having to remind myself that if what I am praying for I don't receive simply means that God has a much better plan out there for me. ;)

My prayer is for love. I have been truly heartbroken twice in my life. About 7 years apart, but the pain from the second reminded me a lot of the pain of the first. Fortunately, I had the wisdom that I knew it would eventually get better. It has left me a little gun shy though. I've decided that love just works in mysterious ways. Every time I think that I am done and I could just have been meant to live the single life someone new walks into my life, and I get the courage to try again.

Again, back to the driving... for the record- praying, ALWAYS good, however sometimes it's a good thing to keep your eyes on the road.

So I have been praying for love, a specific love actually, and praying that I remember things happen in God's time, It could be that this prayer is just waiting to blossom into one of the most wonderful loves I could ever experience and either one or the other is not ready. Or there could be an even more amazing love out there for me. It's so easy to type that and ready it objectively, it's another for the heart to feel it. So I guess what I'm getting at is pray that my lil bruised heart will find love and that it will happen in God's time.

Answered Prayer

I have prayed for this one thing constantly it seems like for the past 2 weeks. I just didn't know what to do about it, and I've been too scared to pray about it because I've been afraid of the answer. I finally decided that whatever the answer, it is for my own good and I just need to trust that. So I have prayed, and prayed, and prayed. I have loved 2 guys in my life. Neither of which have ended up feeling the same way about me. So I have been very reluctant to give it a try.

In fact, having a good committed friendship with a guy is difficult for me. I never know when I'm going to say the wrong thing, or if it will come across too flirty, etc. But I have this friend whom I love with all my heart, and want nothing but the best for them. The problem is I don't know if I fit into that equation. So I have been praying about this friendship, and how should I proceed. If I were to be completely honest with the individual it would change everything, but I don't know how much longer I can keep the silence and the smiles.

So in my prayer I have asked for wisdom of what to say, patience for the answer, and for what i feel like could be something amazing. Friendships have such a powerful influence on our life, and it's amazing how my life has been changed for the better because of this. if nothing else, I can add it to the many blessing that I have been given by the Lord.

I'm worried about my friend. They seem withdrawn and not really talking at all to me very much anymore. i'm not sure if this is the Lord helping to prepare me to not be a part of their life, or if something is going on. I have to think that something is going on. There was a time when we prayed together, went to church together, and were able to just spend time with each other without there being any stress. Unfortunately, those times seem like such a distant past. What I would give to have them back.

More than anything in the world, I want my friend to be right with God and happy. I can take the heartache of losing a friendship if I know that ultimately it could better their relationship with God. I pray that I could be uplifting to the individual, but something I wonder if even that is something that I can do. How can i uplift someone that I can't seem to figure out what's going on, and what I have done to hurt or offend them so bad.
So yes, I have taken the chicken way out and blogged about it instead of going to that person. I don't even know how well received I would be at this point. This isn't really a blog meant to be read, just more of my own thoughts being worked out so that I can understand what I am thinking.

Don't ya Wanna Be... Don't Ya Wanna Be

I have had an amazing trip home these past few days. I've been able to reconnect with old friends, and see some new ones. So I guess one would think they should be able to sleep at 5:30 in the morning. Wrong!!

I have no idea of what I want. I thought I did. I thought I had everything figured out, and that all I had to do was take a leap and go for it. Now, I am so confused I don't even know how to decide what I want.

Before I admitted that Tennessee was whereI belonged and it was my home, I found myself constantly comparing it to Oklahoma. Well in all fairness that's just wrong. I grew up in Oklahoma and so there will always be things there that will have my heart.

Now my heart is in Tennessee. I would like to say that it's locked up safe, but I'm pretty sure that it's in a pretty vulnerable place. I have every confidence that it will be fine. I just need to get back there and take care of it. I'm not used to leaving a piece of it behind there. It's usually here in Oklahoma with Dani, and I know it will get taken care of...she's my best friend.

So what on earth do I do? Just stay with the status quo, and stay in a happy little bubble. Or maybe take a couple of risks and potentially be crushed.

Sheesh! I remember when the hardest decision was determining which shoe went on the right foot..... life was easier then!

A lot of sugar, and a little bit of Spice!

It’s time for a change. It’s been too long of the same old song, and I’m over it. So to start with... not gonna just wait around for this to happen. I guess I’m just gonna have to go out there and make things happen for myself.

I guess what's going to be the biggest change.... you'll just have to wait around to find out!

And So I SaId It

Earlier this week, I did something that was incredibly difficult for me. By nature it takes a lot for me to open up about the way I feel, and even more so to put it writing. So what bright idea did I get? Well, let's take my erratic thoughts, put them on paper, and send them to someone whom I have barely been talking to.

I feel like that would be enough to scare anyone off. So WHY ON EARTH WOULD I DO SUCH A THING?! I guess because the older I have become the more I realize that honesty is the best policy. I would rather tell the truth and it scare someone or make them realize that it's just not meant to be. I know that honesty is a scary scary thing. I learned that lesson tonight with some new information I received. But again, I think one of the best things about being honest, is when honesty is received openly and there is a chance to face it together.

I know that no matter what happens in the next month, my family will be close by. I don't really know much beyond that, but I do know that I am loved, and that I have a great support system with my family. My only hope is that one day I can be the same support system for someone else. I have always been loyal and found those who are disloyal to not be worthy of such a relationship with me.

But what is worst of all.... silence. Silence leaves so many unanswered questions.