Don't ya Wanna Be... Don't Ya Wanna Be

I have had an amazing trip home these past few days. I've been able to reconnect with old friends, and see some new ones. So I guess one would think they should be able to sleep at 5:30 in the morning. Wrong!!

I have no idea of what I want. I thought I did. I thought I had everything figured out, and that all I had to do was take a leap and go for it. Now, I am so confused I don't even know how to decide what I want.

Before I admitted that Tennessee was whereI belonged and it was my home, I found myself constantly comparing it to Oklahoma. Well in all fairness that's just wrong. I grew up in Oklahoma and so there will always be things there that will have my heart.

Now my heart is in Tennessee. I would like to say that it's locked up safe, but I'm pretty sure that it's in a pretty vulnerable place. I have every confidence that it will be fine. I just need to get back there and take care of it. I'm not used to leaving a piece of it behind there. It's usually here in Oklahoma with Dani, and I know it will get taken care of...she's my best friend.

So what on earth do I do? Just stay with the status quo, and stay in a happy little bubble. Or maybe take a couple of risks and potentially be crushed.

Sheesh! I remember when the hardest decision was determining which shoe went on the right foot..... life was easier then!

A lot of sugar, and a little bit of Spice!

It’s time for a change. It’s been too long of the same old song, and I’m over it. So to start with... not gonna just wait around for this to happen. I guess I’m just gonna have to go out there and make things happen for myself.

I guess what's going to be the biggest change.... you'll just have to wait around to find out!

And So I SaId It

Earlier this week, I did something that was incredibly difficult for me. By nature it takes a lot for me to open up about the way I feel, and even more so to put it writing. So what bright idea did I get? Well, let's take my erratic thoughts, put them on paper, and send them to someone whom I have barely been talking to.

I feel like that would be enough to scare anyone off. So WHY ON EARTH WOULD I DO SUCH A THING?! I guess because the older I have become the more I realize that honesty is the best policy. I would rather tell the truth and it scare someone or make them realize that it's just not meant to be. I know that honesty is a scary scary thing. I learned that lesson tonight with some new information I received. But again, I think one of the best things about being honest, is when honesty is received openly and there is a chance to face it together.

I know that no matter what happens in the next month, my family will be close by. I don't really know much beyond that, but I do know that I am loved, and that I have a great support system with my family. My only hope is that one day I can be the same support system for someone else. I have always been loyal and found those who are disloyal to not be worthy of such a relationship with me.

But what is worst of all.... silence. Silence leaves so many unanswered questions.

What IF

Everywhere I have been, every decision I've made has a little part in making me who I am today. So, while I've wondered "what if" from time to time, it's never been in a regretful way. I have often wondered how certain things would have gone if they had played out differently.

But this "what if" is mainly about what could be. What if I had the courage to make the changes that are running through my mind. And, I guess, when does it go from being a passing moment of home-sickness that will pass to a true desire for something more? I can't say that I've ever been a real big risk-taker. So for me to consider leaving something that is already great and I'm surrounded by people that I love to the unknown...well - it's terrifying to think it could be a disaster.

So, what if I had the courage to say I wish I could do something different. Or, I wish I could prove that I'm not like everyone else and that there is something different about me. Something loyal and good - just give me a chance. This past break has been an amazing one, but it's given me the time to actually think about what I want. What used to be so clearly defined in my mind of how things were going to be has just been turned upside down.

Why's It So Hard?

What is so darn hard about saying the things that we mean to say?! I can talk you in circles until neither you nor I know what the original topic of conversation was. I can't however simply say, I had fun with you. We should do that again. Or, we haven't hung out in awhile..let's do something. I guess for people to say what they mean puts yourself out there to get rejected and that's just not a risk worth taking. I know I've missed out on things because I refuse to take the risk. This is something I'd like to do better on. Think of how much fun I could have :)

I believe

I and believe are two words that can encompass such a world of thoughts, but place them side by side- suddenly "I believe" has turned into a powerful phrase.

Similar to black and white...most people either believe in something or they don't believe in it. Granted there are areas of thought that we might not know what to believe, simply out of ignorance, too much information, or laziness. Our beliefs are what define the very being of who we are.

Having that said, our beliefs are worth far more than naming any price. Depending on the nature of the belief, some are worth dying for. One of the lessons I remember being taught was how important it is to stand up for what you believe in. So why is something that seems like it would be so natural, so hard sometimes?! If beliefs are what make us who we are, and we are so willing to step aside sometimes, then who are we really?

I believe in love. Why, well sometimes I'm not sure of that...but deep down I wholeheartedly believe in love. I believe that somewhere someone is a match for you. What you do with that is complete free will. I believe that music really can help heal the heart. Music is one of those amazing phenomenons that can occasionally be life-changing. I could go into my beliefs on religion and politics...but the point of this blog is not what I believe.

It's about what I choose to do with what I believe. Lately, I can name a couple of times that I have chosen not to stand for what I believe. It really doesn't sit well with me. It's kind of like saying the words you were thinking, but you really shouldn't have said. Once the moment is passed you can't take it back. You can, however, resolve to do better next time.

That's what this blog is about, I guess, is doing better. Standing up for our beliefs is more than saying I believe, it's about knowing who you are as a person and standing firm in this. I guess this makes that one of those stepping stone blogs. A work in progress is about learning who I am. The next step in that logically is to stand for who that person is.

Here's to All Our Loved Ones

"Here is to all our loved ones, wherever they may be."

Looking up at the night sky staring at the stars, there can be no doubt that God is incredible. If He can create the sun, moon, and stars among all the other wonderful miracles of life, then how can one doubt that God has a plan for each of us. That plan may not always be a road of laughter and fond memories, but I am beginning to feel confident that the road is there for us to travel. So I am watching this movie, and it's reminding me of all the loved ones that have been in my life, are in my life, and I am sure are still to come. I guess it's about having the faith and staying on the path designed for me allowing me to meet these wonderful people that can be such a challenge.

The stars can shine through fog, clouds, and whatever tries to cover these miraculous wonders. So too does love shine through the obstacles that get in the way. Like the stars, a love that shines so true, can only be most appreciated when one takes the time to look up and see through the clouds and whatever else may try and cover up what has the potential to shine so bright.

So, Here's to all our loved ones, wherever they may be.