And Through the Silence We Speak & Learn

A first kiss, raindrop on the nose, single tear falling, or the silent screams we hold in. I have been encouraged lately to do some reflecting and finally let go of the memories that haunt me and continue to hold me back. I am not able to say that the process has been one of reliving the good old times, but of looking back to see how I came to be where I am- through the bad and the good.

I'm frequently mistaken for being someone who is intelligent and usually has the answers. The truth is, for every answer I may have, there may be a dozen questions traveling through my mind related to that particular answer, that I do not have the answer for. I am fascinated with gaining knowledge. It's not the knowledge itself, the power some say that comes with it, or the changes in my life I can make because of the knowledge. I love the journey along the way. I come to this conclusion based on two random, yet completely related facts about me. :)

1. I dream so vividly. To say this is an understatement doesn't do justice. My brother was the first to point out to me that I don't dream "normally." Although, when I have nightmares they tend to be worse.... this may just be why I love to nap. :) It's not that I have dreams that are impossible like flying, or living in far away lands. My dreams tend to be fairly mundane activities. It's just the clarity and the feeling of reality while I dream. (This is not to say I haven't had some out there dreams... I do) I always seem to be looking for some kind of answer, or following through on some activity that I am wanting to do in the real world... only I never seem to get to the end. I always wake up without the answer. Oddly, this doesn't bother me. I guess I have faith that one day I'll get the answers to all of my questions.

Random fact 2: I rarely know the correct lyrics to a song. This has been a fairly recent revelation to me. Back home, everyone was so used to this that no one ever mentioned it to me. Here, however, it seems to be the source of great entertainment. And I'm okay with this. My conclusion is if I am able to continue to sing along with songs (whether or not I know the correct lyrics) then having to know all of the answers must not be that important to me. In fact, I rarely bother to learn the correct words to the songs. Fear not... I'm not in any kind of chorus, etc. that requires me to memorize songs. :)

Unfortunately, lately I've been dying to know the answers and skip the journey. This is foreign to me, and I'm having a difficult time adjusting. Actually, I tend to read the wrong thing into unspoken words, actions, etc. and react with poor judgment. I am writing this to try and remind myself how important the journey is, and that the answer doesn't always have to be found right away. So for tonight I break my silence and speak saying I want the answers, but more importantly I want the patience to enjoy the journey to get them.

Honesty - Progress or Painful?

We were all doing mission work in a foreign country, and we had just arrived at our hosts' home. It was a barrio that I knew very well having traveled to this area over the years. Oddly, I had never been to this particular house. As I was getting settled in, I looked out the window and saw these fields. They looked like parts were ready for harvest, and others were not. The field was clearly divided at some point in two different areas, and they extended as far as I could see, and I was mystified. Curiosity got the best of me, as it usually does, and I asked someone else what the fields were. One of my friends smiled and she told me to just wait a few minutes, dress warm as night was falling and she would show me. Across the room her guy also got up and started to find a jacket. After some confusion and debate with myself I saw a friend who had been listening to the conversation smile and nod. This small gesture was everything I needed to know that it was okay, and I had nothing to worry about, so I set about dressing warmer.

As we are getting ready to go into the field I could tell that we were purposefully entering the part not ready for harvest. I still had no idea what was going on. Out of nowhere the friend who had been listening showed up with smile on his face and said let's go. Grabbing my hand, he set out at a pace that seemed too quick, but I kept up. The others were behind us, but at a distance- wanting to see my reaction I suppose. So I'm told to close my eyes for the last part of the walk (thankfully, we slowed as I am clumsy), and I'm guided the last few yards (what seemed like forever) only by someone's hand. FINALLY, I'm able to open my eyes and see what's going on. It was a field of giant sunflowers as far as I could see. Words can't explain how amazing it was. I just couldn't stop smiling.

As we continue to walk he occasionally picks a sunflower, creating the most beautiful bouquet of flowers. After taking our time we get to the second half of the field. It was full of night blooming roses. They were various shades of blue, orange, violet, and some had these beautiful black streaks running through them or around the petal tips. The timing was perfect, as the moon was just resting over top and the roses were all finishing the process of blooming. (The reason I was told to dress warmly was not for the weather, but to protect me from the thorns and brambles) We wandered through the field talking for what seemed like hours about everything, just enjoying God's amazing creation, company with each other, and the night.

Clearly everything above is not real, but I assure you, as I dreamt it I could touch the sunflowers, feel the strength in the other's hand, and smell the sweet fragrance of the roses.

How does this relate to the title of the blog... don't worry I can manage to connect the dots. ( I was enthusiastic when it came to coloring when I was younger)

Honesty, not truth, is the subject of this blog. I am learning that there are some things in life that it is easier to make an honest statement about how you feel to someone else, and deny it to yourself while you are speaking the words. I know that my dream was a dream and so the honesty of the words spoken, feelings felt, and memories made while appearing sincere, were not real. Could there ever be a time that those are possible- maybe. Again, it falls back on making those honest statements.

So my answer to my title is both. If you are truly honest with yourself, honesty can be heart-wrenching. The beauty is during this process progress is molding you into becoming a stronger person. I am learning that aside from being completely honest with God, it may be okay to have one person you are completely honest with. (Keep in mind, this is written from a singles perspective, and so I am not including spouses or significant others in this consideration.) As painful as it may be to be completely honest with someone about how you are feeling (even if it has nothing to do with them) it allows you to let those feelings & thoughts that haunt you become a reality.

Dealing with reality is much better than trying to make sense sometimes of the thoughts swimming in someone's head. Further, speaking the words allowed (or writing them) allow an individual to give an objective analysis of the situation, comfort you if the reality is indeed painful, and most powerfully add you to their prayers.

See... dots- connected. :-)